Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Abridged
by KieranDell1409
Summary: The abridged parody of the fourth Harry Potter book is finally here.
1. The Enigma Residence

Chapter 1: The Enigma Residence

 **Author's note: Guess what's back? Go on, guess. Sorry this took so long, last month was really hectic at work, so starting a new project, especially one that I want to come out really good, didn't seem like a good idea. But, things seem to be settling down now, so it's time to enjoy the thing you guys keep wanting me to write. And the best part? This has thirty seven chapters, so it'll be a while before you're without it again, so let's get to it, shall we?**

 **Radio reporter:** Hello, and welcome to tonight's Expositional News. I'm your host, Kenny Explainitall. Tonight we're commemorating the fiftieth anniversary of the mysterious deaths at the Riddle House in Little Hangleton, which is what my wife keeps calling my dick. As you know, our story begins when the maid of the house found the occupants dead in the sitting room. The victims were found with terrified looks on their face, so it was assumed they took shrooms and watched the Pink Elephants bit from Dumbo. Then they remembered that no-one owns a television yet, since it's 1944. Anyway, the next most obvious move was to arrest the Riddle's gardener Frank Bryce, since he was a cranky enough asshole with PTSD that maybe he did it. However, when it was found that there was no sign of any kind of foul play, the police were forced to release a suspected lunatic back into society. I know it's not my place to judge people, but it seems clear to me that the man's a complete psychopa… *click*

 **Frank:** Fuck that show. It's always explaining shit rather than… *looks out the window of his cottage at the Riddle House, and sees a glowing red light inside it* Oh, those fucking teenagers. They've lit the place on fire. Guess I can justify old Betsy this time *grabs a nearby shotgun and heads into the house*

*outside the drawing room*

 **Frank:** What the hell? They've lit it in the grate. But why would they… *Frank shuts up as he hears voices in the room*

 **?:** Would you like some more milk, master?

 **?:** For God's sake Wormtail, stop treating me like a baby. I am the most powerful wizard of all time, The Dark Lord Volde… *coughing fit*

 **Wormtail:** Here you go master.

 **?:** Get that shit away from me. And where is Nagini?

 **Wormtail:** Probably enjoying her freedom. You know she was captive of that disgusting muggle zoo for quite a long time before you came back.

 **?:** I wish you wouldn't let my horcrux out of your sight.

 **Wormtail:** What a weird word for pet.

 **?:** How did she get out of the zoo, by the way?

 **Wormtail:** The boy, Harry Potter, accidentally removed the glass.

 **?:** Ah, yes, Harry Potter. The boy who left me looking like this. It will be a shame to have to murder him.

 **Wormtail:** My Lord, maybe we shouldn't be talking about murder so openly.

 **?:** Wormtail, we are in a rundown house in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere. Where the hell can we talk openly about murder if not here? Like when I murdered my prick of a muggle father and his parents in the very room fifty years ago.

 **Frank:** What the…? HE did it? I've been thought of as a murderer for fifty years for this psychopath's sake?

 **?:** But for now, we need to prepare to Munich up the Quidditch World Cup.

 **Wormtail:** But do we really need to kidnap the boy for your plan? We could use literally anyone for…

 **?:** Like who? That Bertha Jonkins I murdered? Please Wormtail, she was so broken after I was done with her that she would have been useless. Plus, she was so forgetful, she couldn't remember that she had fingernails. Though she did help us find…him, so that was good.

 **Wormtail:** Still, My Lord, don't you think…

 **?:** Hush Wormtail, I think I can hear Nagini coming.

 **Frank:** What is he talking about? There's no-one else here except that big-ass snaHOLY SHIT!

 **?:** Wormtail? What was that?

 **Wormtail:** I told you talking about murder was a bad idea. Someone's overheard us.

 **?:** Well, Wormtail? Invite our guest in.

*Wormtail opens the door*

 **Frank:** No, sir. I must be going…

 **Wormtail:** *dragging Frank into the room* No, please. Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test…

 **?:** Wormtail, I swear to God, if you tie a napkin around his neck, I'll do to you what I'm about to do to him.

 **Wormtail:** *carefully unties a napkin from Frank's neck* And what's that exactly?

 **Voldemort:** *turns his chair around to face the two of them* AVADA KEDAVRA! *Frank falls over dead*

*Meanwhile, 200 miles away*

 **Harry:** *bolts upright, wide awake* What the fuck? He wasn't even sitting in a swivel chair.


	2. The Cut

Chapter 2: The Cut

 **Harry:** Seriously, what the fuck was that? That was Wormtail, and I'm guessing the foetus looking motherfucker was Voldemort, but who was the old guy? He has no connection to me whatsoever, so why did I possess him?

 **Vernon:** BOY! Stop monologuing. It's four in the freaking morning.

 **Harry:** Sorry Uncle Vernon. I just need to write a quick letter to my serial killer godfather and I'll go back to bed.

 **Vernon:** Oh…remember to tell him how well we're taking care of you, will you? *goes back to bed*

 **Harry:** Actually, writing to Sirius might not be a bad idea. My head is killing me. When was the last time my scar hurt? Was it when I accidentally got Quirrell stoned? Or was it when I killed a minor eldritch abomination that was hiding beneath the school? Well, whatever, I need to tell him.

*Harry grabs out a quill, ink, and some parchment*

 **Harry:** "Dear Sirius, how are you doing? I'm doing fine, especially since the Dursleys still believe you're a psycho killer. I hope you don't mind that I haven't told them that you're actually innocent. I just feel like it's something a trouble maker like you would appreciate. Anyway, the main reason for my letter is to mention my scar is hurting again, which hasn't happened since I was last in contact with something Voldemort related. Do you know anything about this that might be helpful? I'd have asked someone else, but Hermione's still clinging to the belief that everything is science, Dumbledore's an idiot, and Ron's…well, Ron. Please write back soon. From, Harry."

 **Harry:** "P.S. You're gonna have to tell me how the hell you managed to get to the Bahamas when you look like a dirty hobo. And don't tell me you swam there as a dog, because I still hardly believe you got away from Azkaban like that." Yeah, that ought to do it. Now, to actually write all that.

 **Author's note: Hey guys, sorry for the EXTREMELY short chapter, but in the actual book this chapter was 90% recap of the previous books, so there wasn't much to really work with. Plus, I have a finale to write, so I wanted to do something to get my mind off it for a couple of days before I work on it. Speaking of which, because of the anticipated length of the finale to Total Drama, the next chapter of this won't be for a couple of weeks (at best). Hopefully early next month I'll be able to continue this fairly regularly. Until then guys…**


	3. The Proposition

Chapter 3: The Proposition

*in the kitchen the following morning*

 **Dudley:** MUM! I want my Frosted Coco Flakes.

 **Petunia:** Sorry Dudders, but that bitch nurse said you were getting too big.

 **Dudley:** I AM NOT TOO BIG!

 **Harry:** *just arriving* Yeah, according to Gabriel Iglesias, you're only at DAMN! You can still get to AWW HELL NO!

 **Dudley:** MUM! He's pretending I'm fat again.

 **Harry:** I've seen you eat an entire calf. I couldn't make shit like that up if I wanted to.

 **Petunia:** Harry, you know he needs his protein.

 **Harry:** There is a HUGE difference between getting protein, and eating a small cow. Speaking of huge…

 **Vernon:** *walking into the room* ARE YOU MOCKING MY BOY FOR BEING FAT AGAIN?!

 **Dudley:** He is daddy.

 **Harry:** Just pointing out that being at risk of heart failure before adulthood is not a good life goal.

 **Vernon:** Right, I only understood about six of those words…

 **Harry:** Congratulations, you're slowly learning.

 **Vernon:** …but you called my son fat. And I'm bigger than him, so that would mean I'm fat. Do you think I'm fat, boy?

 **Harry:** People are sick of you blocking Route 12.

 **Vernon:** Watch it boy, or I'll…

 **Harry:** …have to explain to my serial killer godfather why I suddenly stopped writing?

 **Vernon:** *continues glaring at Harry* Honey, what's for breakfast?

 **Petunia:** Grapefruit *puts a plate in front of each person*

 **Vernon:** Oh, I, uh…think I hear the postman coming *leaves the table*

 **Harry:** Hey Dudley, I reckon you can't eat the entire grapefruit by yourself.

 **Dudley:** Bullshit I can't *starts eating Vernon's portion*

 **Vernon:** HARRY! Get in here.

 **Harry:** And get out of this shitty breakfast? Okay.

 **Petunia:** HEY! You get back here and eat your shitty breakfast, then let your uncle beat you half to… *realises what she was saying* I mean, yes, go see what your uncle wants *turns to face her breakfast, only to see it's gone* What the…

 **Dudley:** *eating Petunia's piece of grapefruit* What was I supposed to do? Harry challenged me.

 **Petunia:** Yes, but you don't need to also eat the silverware.

 **Dudley:** Where else am I supposed to get my iron?

 **Petunia:** Just stop eating the table, Duddums.

 **Dudley:** But that's my recommended daily sodium intake *Petunia just tries to ignore how stupid this is*

*meanwhile, in the living room*

 **Vernon:** So, boy.

 **Harry:** Yeah, yeah, I know. I did something wrong. I'm not sure what, but I did it. Just blame me for it so I can threaten you with a Sirius letter so we can all move on with our day.

 **Vernon:** It wasn't you this time.

 **Harry:** Oh, so whatever it was is Dudley's fault, but I'm getting the blame for…

 **Vernon:** MY SON HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG!

 **Harry:** Tell that to the elderly man looking for his puppet son that he swallowed.

 **Vernon:** *glares at him, then pulls out a letter* You see this?

 **Harry:** Yes.

 **Vernon:** Do you know what it is?

 **Harry:** Wow, don't tell me you've reverted back to kindergarten level of intelligence.

 **Vernon:** IT'S A LETTER! From one of your freak friends.

 **Harry:** They're called wizards.

 **Vernon:** Look kid, you've already taken away my right to discipline you…

 **Harry:** Funny word for child abuse, but whatever.

 **Vernon:** …please don't take away my right the insult your people.

 **Harry:** Really? After thirteen years of neglect, I finally have a way to get my own back, and you expect me not to use it?

 **Vernon:** There's a good lad. Now, about the letter, it's from a 'Molly Weasel'.

 **Harry:** Weasley.

 **Vernon:** WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

 **Harry:** Hey, I can always go back to checking how strong your orbit is.

 **Vernon:** *glares at him again* Anyway, she says she wants to take you away from us for the rest of the summer, and take you to see something called a Quidditch World Cup...

 **Harry:** Great, seeya.

 **Vernon:** WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! While this is a tempting offer, this also makes me think you'll have fun, which goes against my basic instincts…

 **Harry:** Please do not re-enact that scene when saying that.

 **Vernon:** *placing his right leg over his left leg after having them open wide* So I'm inclined to say no to this offer, on account of…

 **Harry:** It's okay, I didn't want to go hang around with other wizards and go to a once in a lifetime sporting event.

 **Vernon:** *immediately suspicious* You're trying to do that reverse psychology bullshit, aren't you?

 **Harry:** What? On you? No, you're way too smart to fall for that.

 **Vernon:** Why thank y…wait a minute… *Vernon freezes, clearly thinking*

 **Harry:** Umm…Uncle Vernon? *waves a hand in front of his face*

 **Vernon:** I'm thinking *still frozen* If I let you go, you'll be with your own kind and have fun. But that's the very thing I want to avoid. But if I do that, you'll tell that serial rapist…

 **Harry:** Serial killer.

 **Vernon:** …godfather of yours, which will be bad for us…hmm…

 **Harry:** Can I just go already? We both know I need to in order for the plot to progress.

 **Vernon:** I'm still thinking.

 **Harry:** Whatever *heads upstairs to his room, where he's immediately confronted by a strange bird* What the hell? *sees what it is* Oh, it's Ron's owl *takes letter from it* "Dear Harry, Dad got tickets for the World Cup. Then he found out he accidentally got tickets to the Muggle World Cup that ended a month ago, so he transfigured them into Quidditch tickets. Whether those are real seats that aren't already occupied remains to be seen. Anyway, we're going to kidnap you tomorrow, so be prepared for that." Why am I not surprised? "Well, see you tomorrow. Oh, and if you write to Sirius, tell him he can either get me a new rat, or I'm keeping his bird, so stop sending me anthrax through the mail." HA! No. *starts packing his things, including a secret stash of junk food under a loose floorboard*

 **Dudley:** I JUST HEARD CAKE!

 **Harry:** Uh…the cake truck just went past. Can't you hear the music?

 **Dudley:** HERE I COME CAKE! *loud crash as he runs through a wall after it*

 **Cake Truck Driver:** OH NO, it's him again.

 **Dudley:** GIMME! *swallows truck in one gulp*

 **Harry:** I never knew his mouth could unhinge like a snake. Well, seeya.

 **Author's note: Hey guys, just wanted to let you know I appeared in an Abridged series on YouTube…as a background extra on my brother's channel. If you feel like checking it out, it's IAmPzykosiz's Accelerated MINT, Episode 4. Or not, I don't give a shit.**


	4. Return to The Rabbit Hole

Chapter 4: Return to The Rabbit Hole

 **Harry:** Alright, my trunk's packed, Hedwig knows to meet me at The Burrow, and I'm getting out of this shithole for the rest of summer. Unfortunately, it means I have to be with Ron for a few weeks, but better that than being here.

 **Dudley:** You better send me candy while you're gone.

 **Harry:** Now why the fuck would I do that?

 **Dudley:** MUM! Harry won't send me candy.

 **Petunia:** Harry, send your cousin candy while you're gone.

 **Harry:** And break the diet that we've all definitely been following?

 **Petunia:** Don't make it sound like I was contradicting myself. I'll tell your uncle.

 **Harry:** I'm not sure that will do anything *points to Vernon, still frozen in place, thinking*

 **Petunia:** And as soon as he snaps out of it, you'll be in deep sh… *loud bang from the fireplace* …Harry, what the fuck was that?

 **Harry:** If I had to guess, I'd say that the Weasleys are here using the Floo Network, but since our fireplace is blocked up…

 **Arthur:** What the hell? There should be a fireplace here *another loud bang*

 **Ron:** What if they don't have a fireplace, and now we're stuck in purgatory? *another loud bang*

 **Fred:** Not likely, Floo Powder works using the same magic Santa used to use.

 **Ron:** What do you mean "used to"?

 **Arthur:** Yeah, what he said *another loud bang*

 **George:** Fred, we agreed not to tell them yet.

 **Ron:** Tell us what?

 **Fred:** Nothing…actually, should I tell them about the pipe bomb we planted in here for the purposes of escaping a sealed off fireplace?

 **George:** We should.

 **Arthur:** When did you…

 **George:** We're us, what did you… *explosion, blowing the fireplace covering off the wall and destroying half the living room*

 **Petunia:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LIVING ROOM?!

 **Harry:** Hey guys, what's up?

 **Petunia:** Harry, don't act like this is a casual act of vandalism.

 **Harry:** The house is still standing. For Fred and George, that IS casual.

 **Fred:** Hey Harry, where's your stuff?

 **Harry:** Upstairs in my room.

 **George:** The one you were imprisoned in? I remember where that is from when we rescued…

 **Petunia:** Kidnapped.

 **George:** …you a couple of years back *leaves to get Harry's stuff*

 **Fred:** So Harry, who's the fat kid pretending he can hide behind his mother? Is that your cousin?

 **Harry:** It is. And before you ask, I don't officially condone whatever you're planning to do, but I sure as hell am not going to stop it.

 **Fred:** What makes you think I'm planning anything? *sees Harry just staring at him* …good point.

 **Petunia:** I swear to God if you hurt my little Dudders…

 **Fred:** Hmm… *sees George enter the room with Harry's stuff* Okay, I won't hurt your precious child.

 **George:** *accidentally dropping some toffees* Oops, how clumsy of me. Well, they've been on the floor now, I guess they're no good.

 **Dudley:** GIMME! *sucks up the toffees on the floor like a vacuum cleaner*

 **Arthur:** Well, we've got Harry, guess we better be going…

 **Petunia:** Wait a damn minute, my husband still hasn't said yes to this *points to Vernon, still frozen and thinking*

 **Arthur:** Sorry, but I'm afraid we must be off. You see, my wife doesn't know we're doing this…

 **Ron:** Dad, she's the one who suggested it.

 **Arthur:** She already knows? Shit, everyone, back in the fireplace, quick.

 **Ron:** Off I go *gets into fireplace, vanishes in puff of green smoke*

 **George:** See you at The Burrow, Harry *carries Harry's stuff into the fireplace*

 **Harry:** Guess I better be… *sees Dudley choking on the floor* Ah, there's what you did.

 **Petunia:** YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T HURT MY BABY!

 **Fred:** Indeed I did. George, on the other hand, made no such promise *gets into fireplace*

 **Harry:** I love their loopholes.

 **Arthur:** This looks bad. Well, gotta go *apparates out of there*

 **Harry:** Like he said, later bitches *gets into fireplace and disappears*

 **Vernon:** *suddenly waking up from his extended thinking period* Okay, I've come to the decision that… *sees destroyed room and Dudley choking* WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!


	5. The Twins' Warlock Gasps

Chapter 5: The Twins' Warlock Gasps

 **Harry:** *crashing to the floor in the Weasley's kitchen* Wait, did Kieran just kill off Dudley?

 **Ron:** Don't worry, I'm sure it will be comically handwaved by the time we get to the next one.

 **Harry:** Ron, why didn't you move off the floor before I got… *feels something* Oh, that why.

 **Arthur:** Now remember boys, we don't tell your mother about that.

 **Molly:** Tell me what, exactly?

 **Arthur:** SHE KNOWS! RUN BOYS! *dives out a nearby window*

 **Molly:** *turning to face Fred and George* What did you do this time?

 **Fred:** Why do you assume it was us? *Molly just stares at him* Okay, that's a good point.

 **George:** Look, he only ate ONE toffee…I think. For his sake I hope he did.

 **Harry:** What was the deal with those anyway? Did you, like, charm them or something?

 **Fred:** Nope, they're our own design.

 **George:** Introducing Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, coming soon to a school near you.

 **Ron:** They're hoping to make money off it.

 **Harry:** How's that going for you?

 **Fred:** Not bad, but it would help if we had a small loan of one million galleons to help fund our research.

 **Arthur:** *coming back into the kitchen* Okay, let me go get my chequebook.

 **Molly:** Arthur, you will do no such thing.

 **Arthur:** HOLY CRAP SHE'S STILL HERE! *runs to the living room and dives out the window*

 **Molly:** Boys, what have I told you about this?

 **George:** That going into business is a very dangerous risk, especially when we have no idea how it works?

 **Molly:** No, I told you not to.

 **Fred:** Come on mum, Ever since Gambol and Japes mysteriously burned down a couple of years back…

 **Harry:** You charmed the fireworks into having a battle royale.

 **George:** The joke industry has been dying. We could be the ones to bring it back.

 **Molly:** So your ambition in life is to run a joke shop?

 **Fred:** See, now she gets it.

 **Molly:** You're clearly got some talent with charms. Why not aim a little higher?

 **George:** You're right, we need to franchise this shit. First Diagon Alley, then Hogsmeade…

 **Molly:** THAT'S NOT WHAT I…

 **Fred:** Thanks for believing in us mum *leaves with George*

 **Molly:** I swear, those boys…

 **?:** *entering with another unknown person* I wouldn't worry about it mum. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

 **?:** They turn out like you, you bloody dragon molester.

 **Harry:** From the red hair, I take it you guys are Bill and Charlie?

 **Bill:** I'd like to make it very clear, I'm Bill. Don't want you to think I'm the one who fucks dragons for a living.

 **Molly:** BILL! How many times do I have to tell you? Charlie STUDIES dragons.

 **Bill:** By seeing how they react to his penis.

 **Charlie:** He's not wrong.

 **Molly:** For God's sake Charlie, I want to believe that's not true. Please let me believe it isn't. The twins have already brought enough shame on the family.

 **Charlie:** Just accept that I'm a Scalie mum. It's completely normal.

 **Molly:** Don't worry dear, it's just a phase. You'll grow out of it.

 **Harry:** Pretty sure it's actually a mental sickness.

 **Hermione:** *coming down the stairs* Hi Harry.

 **Harry:** And you're here too apparently. How many tickets did your dad get anyway?

 **Ron:** Ten. Mum's going to pick up our school stuff tomorrow instead.

 **Molly:** Well, someone's got to. Plus, I'm about 90% sure Arthur's going to get you all arrested for having fake tickets, so I figure one of us has to stay home to bail the rest of you out.

 **Arthur:** Don't worry dear, I have a plan for that.

 **Molly:** Is it even more illegal than the forged tickets?

 **Arthur:** Err… *runs upstairs and dives out one of the windows*

 **Molly:** Sooner or later he'll run out of windows.

 **Ron:** Come on Harry, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping.

 **Harry:** I already have a pretty good idea.

*on their way upstairs*

 **Ginny:** *thoughts* Harry's here. I need to act natural, so that maybe I can convince him to allow me to conceive the first of my spawn *out loud* Hey Harry, you hear about that thing in Christchurch? What I really like about that guy is…

 **Harry:** NO! Not another word out of you. I refuse to let you get this account banned.

 **Ginny:** …I was going to say that he's in jail *thoughts* Damn it, knew I should have gone with Cardinal Pell.

 **Harry:** Oh…maybe you're not as evil as I thought *leaves with Ron*

 **Ginny:** Well, it's progress.

*in Ron's room*

 **Ron:** So, have you heard from Sirius?

 **Harry:** Yeah, he wants his owl back.

 **Ron:** Yeah, still not gonna happen. Unless he gets me my rat back.

 **Hermione:** You realise your rat was a traitor and, more importantly, a human and not a rat in the first place, right? And that keeping that owl is stealing?

 **Harry:** Is it really stealing when you steal from a thief?

 **Ron:** Exactly. He probably stole it first, so I'm just stealing it back.

 **Hermione:** Shouldn't you then return it to the original owners?

 **Ron:** I thought stealing it back from a thief made me the original owner?

 **Hermione:** I…wait, what…

 **Harry:** Don't bother Hermione. It makes sense to him, and that's all that'll matter to him.

 **Ron:** Exactly, let's see how dinner's going *starts heads downstairs*

 **Percy:** *poking his head out of his room* Hey, anyone wanna hear about my report on cauldron thickness?

 **Harry:** Wow, that sounds absolutely horrible. Goodbye.

 **Percy:** Sure, they laugh now, but some day I'll show them. I'll show them all.

*outside*

 **Harry:** …what did we just walk into?

 **Ginny:** Bill and Charlie always like to duel like this.

 **Harry:** By transfiguring the furniture?

 **George:** At this point it's a Weasley family tradition.

 **Bill:** It's over Charlie, I have the highchair.

 **Charlie:** You underestimate my power.

 **Bill:** Don't try it *Charlie tries to attack with a table, which immediately gets trashed* You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Scalies, not join them. It was you who would bring balance to the kinks, not leave it in darkness.

 **Charlie:** I hate you!

 **Bill:** You were my brother, Charlie. I loved you.

 **Molly:** Would you two stop it? You're not even quoting a good Star Wars movie.

 **Harry:** At least it's the best one of the prequels.

*during dinner*

 **Percy:** So, who wants to hear how my report is…

 **The other ten people at the table:** NO!

 **Percy:** No-one ever wants to hear about my work.

 **Fred:** Oh, gee, wonder why?

 **George:** Could it have anything to do with it sucking?

 **Percy:** Hey, not all of it sucks. In fact, Mr. Crouch has entrusted me with organising a secret event for your school this year.

 **Fred:** You know you're not going to tempt us into asking about the Cauldron Exhibition, right?

 **Percy:** That's…not what I meant *aside* Note to self, come up with another thing for the school year.

 **Arthur:** By the way, have you heard what happened to Bertha Jorkins?

 **Percy:** Yeah, she's been MIA for a month. She probably just forgot she works for the British Ministry of Magic and keeps trying to find her way into the Albanian Ministry.

 **Harry:** *thoughts* Why is that name familiar, and why do I feel like not remembering where I heard it is going to bite me in the ass? *out loud* So, who's even playing in the World Cup?

 **George:** Ireland and Bulgaria. We're supporting Ireland because they're the only UK based team left in the Cup.

 **Hermione:** Ireland's not even in the UK.

 **Fred:** Quiet you.

 **Harry:** So, what happened to the others?

 **George:** England got annihilated by Transylvania, Scotland was taken down by Luxembourg, and Wales was beaten by Uganda.

 **Harry:** Wow, I don't remember seeing most of those in the Quidditch World Cup game. And I'm pretty sure one of those isn't even a country.

 **Hermione:** Well, if you want to get technical…

 **Harry:** Quiet you.


	6. The Harbouropener

Chapter 6: The Harbouropener

 **Harry:** *suddenly shooting awake* Ron, don't touch that.

 **Ron:** *lowering his hand* How did you know?

 **Harry:** After four years, I've gained a sixth sense for this *sees it's still dark outside* What time is it?

 **Fred:** Four a.m.

 **George:** Now go back to sleep. We're trying to make contraband here.

 **Harry:** You have two government employees living in this house. How the hell do you keep getting away with this shit?

 **Fred:** How competent are they?

 **Harry:** …a reasonable point…

 **George:** Exactly. Now, go to sleep while we…

 **Molly:** *bursting into the room* WAKE THE FUCK UP *sees they're all awake* Oh, good, you already are. Guess you're really excited for the World Cu… *sees what Fred and George are doing* Fred, George, what are you doing there?

 **Fred:** Investing in our future.

 **Molly:** What did I tell you about that?

 **George:** What an awful mother you are, telling her children not to follow their dreams.

 **Molly:** If you're good enough to do this, why didn't you do better in your O.W.L.s?

 **Fred:** Hey, we got three each.

 **George:** We even got one in Herbology. Do you know how few people give a shit about that subject?

 **Ron:** Neville likes it.

 **Harry:** Exactly, no-one important likes it.

 **Molly:** Whatever, just get ready.

 **Fred and George:** Yes mum.

 **Molly:** But first, ACCIO CONTRABAND! *piles of candies, as well as things that appear to be toys and other fake items, fly at Molly, knocking her backwards and down the stairs*

 **Harry:** *as more and more stuff flew out of the room* Jesus, how much stuff did you make?

 **Fred:** If our stash were bots, they'd be T-Series's entire subscriber list.

*later*

 **Arthur:** Well, we're off.

 **Harry:** Wait, where are Bill, Charlie, and Percy? I mean, I don't care if those last two join us, I just thought they'd be here with us.

 **Molly:** Oh, they can Apparate, so they'll be coming down at a more reasonable hour.

 **Harry:** WHAT?! Can't Arthur just Apparate us to…

 **Molly:** Harry dear, do you really trust him to do that with six other people successfully?

 **Harry:** …then why don't you do it?

 **Molly:** Because I want to punish Fred and George for disobeying me.

 **Hermione:** So why are the rest of us up?

 **Molly:** To get angry with them for making me get you up at four in the morning for no real reason.

 **Ginny:** That's evil. I love it.

 **Harry:** Of course you do. So, I guess we're getting there by…walking?

 **Arthur:** You can if you want. The rest of us are going to grab a boot.

 **Harry:** …what?

*an hour and a half later, at the top of a hill*

 **Harry:** Again I ask…what?

 **Fred:** It's a portkey, Harry.

 **Harry:** I don't come from a magical family, Fred.

 **George:** Magic teleporting item. It'll take us to the World Cup at a set time.

 **Harry:** So, instead of teleporting with Apparation, we're teleporting with a boot?

 **Ron:** It's cool, right?

 **Harry:** It's stupid, but plot's gotta plot, right? Actually, that raises a good question: why is it here, instead of at your house?

 **Ron:** For the other people living in this area, duh.

 **Harry:** Who the hell else would want to get up at this ungodly hour of the morning to grab a smelly old boot when they can apparate?

 **Amos Diggory:** Hey Arthur, have you seen a smelly old boot around here? We need to grab it to get to the World Cup.

 **Harry:** …you're fucking kidding me.

 **Cedric:** Hey Bella, what's up?

 **Harry:** Hey, don't call me Bella. What is this, a hollyheadharper fanfic?

 **Ron:** I thought their name was ActualWeeb?

 **Harry:** Things change Ron, keep up.

 **Cedric:** Sorry, I just really like the name Bella…

 **Fred:** Really? That's the reference we're going with?

 **George:** Now we hate you even more.

 **Harry:** Why do you hate him in the first place?

 **Amos:** Oh, they're just jealous that my boy Cedric beat the great Harry Potter in Quidditch.

 **Harry:** You realise he only won because I fell off my broom while being attacked by dementors, right?

 **Amos:** Pfft, details.

 **Fred:** Well, you're kind of a dick.

 **George:** We should hate him even more, right Harry?

 **Harry:** I don't hate him.

 **Fred and George:** But you just said…

 **Harry:** I fell off my broom, and it was raining very heavily. Frankly, I'd have done the exact same thing, if only to get out of the rain.

 **Cedric:** Thanks Harry. I look forward to playing you in Quidditch this year, so we can settle this once and for all in a fair contest.

 **Arthur:** You're assuming you'll be playing Quidditch this year.

 **Harry:** What's that supposed to mean?

 **Arthur:** So, was there anyone else coming Amos?

 **Amos:** Nah, the Lovegoods are there, and the Fawcetts aren't going.

 **Hermione:** Who are the Fawcetts?

 **Harry:** Who cares?

 **Ron:** Not gonna ask who the Lovegoods are?

 **Harry:** I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

 **Arthur:** Guys, it's about to go *everyone grabs hold of the boot* Any second now *nothing for about fifteen seconds* Just give it another moment…

 **Harry:** I can't believe we listened to *suddenly gets whisked away* HOLY FUUUUUUUUUU…


	7. Travelling Salesman and Squat

Chapter 7: Travelling Salesman and Squat

 **Harry:** …CK! *lands very roughly with Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George*

 **Arthur:** What are you guys complaining about? *casually floats to the ground with Amos and Cedric*

 **Fred:** Could you warn us next time it's going to be that rough?

 **Arthur:** I thought you knew.

 **George:** You know we've never travelled by portkey before.

 **Arthur:** Why would I know that?

 **Ron:** You're our father.

 **Arthur:** I have kids?

 **Hermione:** Sir, more than half of them are here right now.

 **Arthur:** Oh, right… *turns to Cedric* Are you one of them?

 **Harry:** Okay, that's enough stupidity for one day *sees his arm had landed across Ginny's chest and quickly removes it* Oops, sorry.

 **Ginny:** Oh, I don't mind.

 **Harry:** I know. That's the problem *starts leaving with the others*

 **Ginny:** Damn, he still thinks…knows I'm evil *follows them to a wizard wearing a poncho and a kilt*

 **Basil:** Alright, you're the guys from Stoatshead Hill? Weasley and Diggory? Alright, here's where your campsites are.

 **Arthur:** Thanks Basil.

 **?:** What about me?

 **Amos:** Who cares? You don't even get a name.

 **Cedric:** Then why does Basil get a name?

 **Amos:** Boy, do not acknowledge the background characters. You'll never become a main character that way.

 **Harry:** Don't worry, I'm sure there was a good reason you guys came up just now. Guess we'll just have to see what happens.

 **Basil:** You don't need to keep the portkey Arthur. We can dispose of it.

 **Arthur:** I was gonna keep it as a souvenir.

 **Basil:** Whatever. Fucking weirdo.

 **Cedric:** Guess I'll see you guys at Hogwarts.

 **Fred:** Hope not.

 **George:** That way Harry can crush Hufflepuff this year.

 **Harry:** Guys, chill. It's not his fault that dementors are assholes.

 **Fred:** But it IS his fault for winning.

 **Harry:** Which is what he's supposed to do.

 **George:** SHUT UP AND LET US BE ANGRY AT HIM!

*later, approaching the campsite*

 **Roberts:** You another one of those weirdos that booked a spot in advance?

 **Arthur:** Indeed I am.

 **Roberts:** Even though most folks just turn up and set up camp?

 **Arthur:** …yes.

 **Roberts:** Whatever, you cultists just do what makes you happy, as long as I get paid I don't care.

 **Ginny:** We're not cultists, we're Satanists.

 **Roberts:** Money's money. Besides, what's the difference?

 **Ginny:** This *glares at Roberts house, which catches fire*

 **Roberts:** HOLY CRAP, my wife and kids are in there *runs back towards his house*

 **Harry:** Do you ever feel any guilt for this kind of thing?

 **Ginny:** Should I?

 **Harry:** That's what I thought.

 **Ginny:** Huh? Oh, you were asking me something? I was questioning whether I should Obliviate that guy's memory once he's in his burning house, making him forget why he went in there in the first place.

 **Harry:** Please don't.

 **Ginny:** *as the guy entered his house* OBLIVIATE!

 **Roberts:** Huh, why was I in here again? Guess I better stay here until I remember.

 **Ginny:** Sorry, were you asking something?

 **Harry:** Never mind.

*at the campsite*

 **Arthur:** Here we are.

 **Harry:** Why did that muggle make our spot so small when we have such a large group?

 **Ron:** Because Muggles aren't as smart as us?

 **Harry:** …I mean, I can't object to that. Hermione on the other hand…

 **Hermione:** My parents are in the medical industry.

 **Ron:** Yeah, but they're dentists in England, so they can't be that smart.

 **Ginny:** Hey dad, I'll start the fire for us.

 **Arthur:** No, no, we need to do it like muggles do.

 **Harry:** Why? The only muggles around for miles just came down with a nasty case of 'killed by your daughter'.

 **Arthur:** That's so sad. Is there a cure?

 **Harry:** Not unless true necromancy becomes a thing in this universe.

 **Ginny:** Seriously, I got this. All I gotta do is *Ginny blinks, and suddenly half the nearby woods are ablaze* Oops, overdid it a little. Oh well.

 **Hermione:** There weren't people in there, were there?

 **Ginny:** I'm sure they'll forgive me. You can even hear them.

 **Harry:** That's the sound of people screaming.

 **Ginny:** That's the sound of forgiveness. Screams, then silence.

 **Arthur:** Well, we're still gonna need to put out that fire. Harry, Ron, Hermione, take this bucket and get some water from that tap at the far side of the campground.

 **Harry:** This is a shot glass.

 **Arthur:** Same difference.

 **Hermione:** You know, the Aguamenti charm should be sufficient to…

 **Arthur:** No, no, we need to do this like muggles.

 **Harry:** WHY?! There are no muggles anywhere. The ministry have charmed this place to get rid of them. Hell, us putting out a fire with wands would be the LEAST weird thing they'd see even if they were here *points at a tent with a chimney, a tent that looked like a two-storey Victorian-era house, and a tent with solar panels on the roof*

 **Hermione:** He's right, that last one's especially ineffective in England, even in our summer.

 **Arthur:** Just because they're showing off doesn't mean we have to. Now, off you go.

 **Harry:** Fred, George, back us up.

 **Fred:** Sorry, but we have contraband to sell.

 **Ron:** I thought mum confiscated it all.

 **George:** That's why we smuggled some away in our…

 **Harry:** I don't even want to know.

 **Fred:** By the way Ron, we're gonna need the stuff we smuggled out in you too.

 **Ron:** You told me that was Harry in there.

 **George:** We said a lot of things. Now, give it back.

*later*

 **Ron:** Look Harry, all I'm saying is…

 **Harry:** Still not gonna happen.

 **Seamus:** Hey guys, guess what?

 **Harry:** You already broke your dick?

 **Seamus:** No. Well, I mean I did, but also…

 **Harry:** Don't care, you were only mentioned for the sake of a pointless cameo.

 **Oliver:** Then what about…

 **Harry:** You too.

*at the water tap*

 **Hermione:** Does that guy know he's wearing women's clothes?

 **Harry:** Probably not.

 **Guy in women's clothes:** What's wrong with it? They told me to dress like a muggle to avoid drawing their suspicions…

 **Harry:** Not that anyone's doing that.

 **Guy in women's clothes:** …and when I found out that muggles actually have something called a dress, I grabbed one immediately.

 **Hermione:** Except…that's a dominatrix's outfit. Complete with cat o' nine tails.

 **Guy in women's clothes:** *cracks whip* Same difference *collects water and leaves*

 **Harry:** Seriously though, do wizards not know how to act in front of muggles?

 **Hermione:** Well, Ron certainly doesn't.

 **Harry:** Him grabbing my butt is not a weird occurrence, regardless of the audience.

 **Ron:** Of course not, because we're in lo…

 **Harry:** Finish that word, and I'll force feed you Polyjuice Potion so that you look like me and send you to the Dursleys.

 **Ron:** Are you saying you want your DNA inside me?

 **Harry:** …crap, I need a new punishment.

 **Hermione:** Hey, what's that?

 **Ron:** Probably the Irish tents. That's why they're covered in shamrock.

 **Harry:** But why go to the effort of growing shamrock, even magically? What's wrong with an Irish flag or something?

 **Ron:** Pfft, boring.

 **Harry:** Whatever. I'm guessing the Bulgarians are doing the same thing with roses?

 **Ron:** Why would they do that? *points at Bulgarian tents, which have a moving picture of someone*

 **Harry:** Who the fuck is that?

 **Ron:** Why, that's Viktor Krum, the Bulgarian Seeker. How could you not know that?

 **Harry:** By being out of contact with the wizarding world for the last two months.

 **Ron:** The man's a genius. I so hope we get to meet him.

 **Harry:** So do I. Maybe you'll start stalking him instead of me.

 **Ron:** Oh Harry, you know you'll always be my number one.

 **Harry:** Guess it was a little much to hope for.

 **Cho:** Hi Harry.

 **Harry:** Uh, hi? *despite standing still, the bucket suddenly bumps forward* I'm still into Asians, apparently.

 **Ron:** What about redheads?

 **Harry:** Oh yeah, like that'll ever happen.

*later, at the tent*

 **Charlie:** *appearing with Bill and Percy* What's going on? It looks like when that dragon got loose in Paris the other day.

 **Bill:** Should have known you had something to do with that.

 **Charlie:** How were we supposed to know it wouldn't like bondage gear?

 **Percy:** It? As in you don't even care if it's male or female?

 **Charlie:** Dragons have genders?

 **Harry:** Can we move this along? We've only covered like five minutes of the movie. Hell, there's still three chapters before we even reach Hogwarts.

 **Hermione:** Wait a minute Harry, we still have to meet the people the chapter's named after.

 **Harry:** Alright, where are…

 **Ludo Bagman:** Well, if it isn't Harry Potter.

 **Harry:** Should I find it disturbing how many people are obsessed with a fourteen year old?

 **Bagman:** How are you going, Mr. Potter?

 **Harry:** Better if random people would just ignore me.

 **Bagman:** I'd like you to meet Mr. Bartemius Crouch Sr.

 **Harry:** I wouldn't.

 **Crouch Sr.:** Can we hurry along Ludo? I just want to get to the box so I can watch the game.

 **Bagman:** Oh, what's the rush Barty? It's not like there's anything you need to keep an eye on in there.

 **Crouch Sr.:** *eye twitch* Yes, of course not.

 **Percy:** Mr. Crouch, I've nearly finished the report on cauldron thickness.

 **Crouch Sr.:** Who the fuck are you?

 **Percy:** Sir, I work for you.

 **Crouch Sr.:** So do a lot of people. Now, I'm going to my seat. You just stay here and pretend I complimented your work or whatever it is you peasants do.

 **Percy:** Yes sir *starts grinning stupidly*

 **Crouch Sr.:** Ugh, idiots *leaves*

 **Fred:** Percy, he's gone. You can stop pretending now.

 **Percy:** Pretending what? Mr. Crouch just complimented me.

 **Bagman:** So, who wants to do some gambling?

 **Hermione:** Sir, most of us are under age, and would not wish to partake in…

 **George:** Thirty seven galleons, fifteen sickles, and three knuts on Ireland to win, but Krum catches the Snitch.

 **Hermione:** Seriously, do you have any idea how illegal this is?

 **George:** Hermione, when have I ever lost? If Fred had been the one making the bet, this would never have worked. But because it's me, it's more of an investment.

 **Fred:** I'll win it back this year, you'll see.

 **Bagman:** Excellent. A guaranteed win for me. Well, see you all at the match *leaves*

 **Percy:** Probably should have asked him if he'd heard anything about Bertha Jorkins yet.

 **Harry:** Seriously, who is that? Also, when's the match starting? *torches light up, making a path through the burning woods* Well, that answers one question. Now, can we make it through those flames? Find out next time.


	8. The Wizard Soccer Earth Championship

Chapter 8: The Wizard Soccer Earth Championship

 **Harry:** I can't believe we made it through those flames.

 **Ginny:** They knew better than to burn me or anyone I care for.

 **Harry:** Okay…so I get me and you, but why's Hermione unharmed?

 **Ginny:** She's smart. I might have a use for that.

 **Harry:** Right…and the twins?

 **Ginny:** Fellow agents of chaos. I can't disrespect fellow practitioners of the art.

 **Ron:** Hey Harry, I'm a little on fire. Can you pee on me please?

 **Hermione:** Aguamenti *puts Ron, Percy, Bill, Charlie, and Arthur out*

 **Ron:** HEY! I already asked Harry to do that.

 **Harry:** You know that wasn't going to happen.

 **Ron:** You don't know that.

 **Arthur:** On to our seats then.

 **Hermione:** Sir, you're still smouldering a bit. Maybe we should…

 **Arthur:** I paid a scalper good money for these tickets…

 **Harry:** That you magicked into fake tickets.

 **Arthur:** …and I'm not having them wasted now.

 **Hermione:** This will only take a…

 **Arthur:** Let's go kids *enters the arena. Everyone else follows*

*at their seats*

 **Harry:** You really went all out when you forged these, didn't you?

 **Arthur:** What would be the point otherwise?

 **Man:** Excuse me sir, you appear to be in our seat.

 **Harry:** Wow, like we didn't see this happening.

 **Arthur:** Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my tickets said these were our seats. Let me just double check *holds out portkey for the man* Could you hold this for a moment for me?

 **Man:** Uh…sure *takes portkey, and immediately disappears, while screaming*

 **Harry:** Wow…did you plan that in case someone tried to claim their seats?

 **Arthur:** You mean did I plan for someone to steal my souvenir? Hell no.

 **Fred:** Did you really expect any different?

 **Harry:** No, not really. So, any idea who else will be in here with us?

 **George:** Probably someone important, but so far there's only that freak over there.

 **Harry:** What freak over… *sees who it is* Dobby?

 **Winky:** You know Dobby?

 **Harry:** Oh, sorry. You just look like him.

 **Winky:** I'm a woman.

 **Harry:** I'm just saying you house elves all look very similar.

 **Winky:** YOU RACIST ASSHOLE!

 **Harry:** I didn't mean it like…err…how is Dobby, by the way? I haven't heard from him since I freed him.

 **Winky:** You did that?

 **Harry:** Well, I don't mean to brag, but…

 **Winky:** Because since then, he's been homeless. Finding work by selling himself on the street.

 **Harry:** Oh God, I'm sorry. And disgusted that there are people who are into house elves, though considering I'm sitting next to Charlie, not entirely surprised.

 **Charlie:** Hey, scalies are perfectly normal. Elvies are not.

 **Harry:** Why do you know what they're called?

 **Winky:** Dobby's not to upset about strange men slamming him though. He enjoys the pain too much to care.

 **Harry:** Oh God, I don't need to hear this.

 **Winky:** In fact, sometimes he lets the centaurs run a train on him…

 **Harry:** THAT'S IT, shut up and bring someone else here to shut this up.

 **Fudge:** What's up, peasants?

 **Harry:** Not much of an improvement, but I'll take it.

 **Fudge:** Arthur, what are you doing here?

 **Arthur:** Err…you invited us?

 **Fudge:** What? No I didn't, I invited Steve…

 **Arthur:** Oh, right. Steve couldn't make it, so he gave me his tickets.

 **Fudge:** Oh, well that was nice of him.

 **Arthur:** Yeah, it was *to himself* Note to self: Obliviate Steve. Also, find out who Steve is. Or just Obliviate everyone named Steve. Yeah, that'll do.

 **Fudge:** Ah, I see that Crouch has sent his house elf to reserve his seat for him.

 **Harry:** Wait, he left before us. How is he not here yet?

 **Fudge:** Probably because of that freak forest fire that started randomly. I guess we'll never know how it began.

 **Ginny:** Never know? I posed for photos and had an interview with some trash bag reporter about it.

 **George:** Was it anyone we've heard of?

 **Ginny:** Just some blonde tabloid slut.

 **George:** Ah, Rita Skeeter then.

 **Lucius:** Excuse me, coming through, I need to get to my… *sees Arthur* Oh, I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong section. I specifically asked for a seat with no poor people nearby. I don't want to get infected with it like I did a couple of years ago.

 **Arthur:** *glaring* Lucius.

 **Lucius:** Yes, that would be my name Arthur. How are you today?

 **Arthur:** Who did you bribe to get into this box?

 **Lucius:** Bribe? Are you kidding? These tickets were cheaper to buy outright than to bribe for. If anything, people should be suspicious of YOU bribing someone to get those seats.

 **Draco:** But father, they're poor.

 **Lucius:** That just raises more questions. So, whose body did you sell on the streets, your wife's or your daughter's?

 **Ginny:** Are you sure you want to make a joke like that about me in front of me?

 **Lucius:** Oh, what's the worst that could happen? You're just a little… *sees his robes are suddenly made of leeches* Huh, well played.

 **Ginny:** Now, get the fuck out of here, Lucy.

 **Lucius:** My name's not… *sees Ginny's face* Yes ma'am *leaves with Draco*

 **Percy:** Hey look, they're having a display of the country's mascots.

 **Harry:** Cool. So, Ireland will have leprechauns…

 **Bill:** HARRY! That's racist stereotyping.

 **Harry:** Well what the fuck else are they gonna have?

 **Bill:** …potatoes?

 **Harry:** So, what do Bulgaria have?

 **Ron:** Those *points at Veela*

 **Harry:** What are…

 **Veela:** Do you love us?

 **Every man in the arena:** Yes.

 **Veela:** What will you do for us?

 **Every man in the arena:** Anything and everything.

 **Ginny:** *sees Harry is hypnotised by the Veela too* Oh no you don't *slaps him really hard*

 **Harry:** *shakes his head to clear it* Oh, thanks, I guess.

 **Ginny:** I don't want you leering at other species. Your leering should be reserved for me.

 **Harry:** Uh…no thanks.

 **Ron:** Yeah, he only leers at me.

 **Harry:** Why weren't you hypnotised?

 **Hermione:** He's too infatuated with you for that.

 **Harry:** So, do you finally believe that magical creatures exist?

 **Hermione:** Hell no. Do you still believe in magic? Obviously they just released a mixture of testosterone, dopamine, and serotonin into the air so that all the men had a reaction like this.

 **Harry:** What reaction *sniffs air* And what's that smell? *sees what every man in the arena is doing* …HOLY CRAP! There are children present…who seem to be…you know what? We need to skip this vulgarity before we get kicked off the internet.

 **Ron:** No Harry, they're called Bulgarian, not vulgarian.

 **Harry:** *glares at him, before punching him in the face* Well, I feel better now.

 **Charlie:** *snapping out of Veela spell* Why do I feel like I just masturbated to something that wasn't a dragon?

 **Harry:** Because you did. Everyone did. Honestly, I'd be surprised if some of the women don't get pregnant off just the smell.

 **Ginny:** I won't be. I won't allow it. Unless it's you. Get in me.

 **Harry:** Please stop that.

 **Ron:** Yeah, he's mine.

 **Harry:** I was talking to both of you.

 **McFondles:** What about me?

 **Harry:** Where the fuck did you even come from?

 **McFondles:** Where children are present, so shall I be.

 **Harry:** *pushes him out of the box* Get the fuck out of here.

 **Bill:** Hey guys, they're about to bring out the Irish mascots. I wonder what they could…

 **Harry:** They're leprechauns.

 **Bill:** You don't know that.

 **Percy:** They're totally leprechauns.

 **Bill:** You can't prove…

 **George:** What the fuck are you trying to convince us they are?

 **Bill:** Just saying, you can't officially say it until…

 **Bagman:** And now, the Irish mascots, leprechauns.

 **Bill:** Oh my God, who could have seen this coming?

 **Fred:** Everyone. Everyone saw this coming.

 **Arthur:** I didn't.

 **Fred:** You don't count.

 **Bagman:** And now, to introduce the Bulgarian players: Meaningless player 1, Meaningless player 2, Meaningless player 3, Meaningless player 4, Meaningless player 5, Meaningless player 6, and VICTOR KRUM!

 **Ron:** WOO! Only worthwhile player on the field.

 **Bagman:** And now, the Irish team, except who cares because the only player to do anything in this series has already been introduced.

 **Harry:** Wait, we're actually gonna get to see the game? We're not gonna jump past it like in the movie?

 **Hermione:** Don't be silly Harry, no-one can see anything. This is a fanfic.

 **Ron:** Yeah, just like the readers didn't see those five goals the Irish just got.

 **Harry:** Wait, WHAT?!

 **Charlie:** Yeah Ron, it's actually seven.

 **Harry:** Wow, we are seriously abridging this game, aren't we?

 **Percy:** Kieran can't be bothered memorising the names of the thirteen irrelevant characters, so Ireland are now thirteen goals up and Bulgaria have their only goal.

 **Harry:** He just wants to finish this chapter, doesn't he?

 **Bill:** Well, the score's now a hundred and seventy to ten, and Krum's about to catch the snitch, so…

 **Bagman:** And Victor Krum catches the snitch, ending the game. Even though one of his teammates was about to score a goal, which would have brought the game to a tie and at least reset the scoreboard for them…I think. Rowling's never mentioned that. Once she stops deciding every character's sexuality, maybe she'll get to it.

 **Fred and George:** Money please.

 **Bagman:** What are you talking abou…oh, the bet. Right…

 **Ginny:** You know, I have a good feeling about this year.

 **Harry:** Why did you, SPECIFICALLY you, have to say that?


	9. The Black Streak

Chapter 9: The Black Streak

 **Arthur:** Don't look so worried Harry. Molly will only be angry at me if she finds out that Fred and George were gambling.

 **Harry:** Are you in no way concerned that your Satanic daughter thinks this year will be a good one?

 **Arthur:** Ginny wasn't born in Mexico.

 **Harry:** I don't know why I talk to you about this stuff. Maybe one of the responsible adults in this group will understand my concerns. Like Bill or Percy.

 **Charlie:** What about me?

 **Harry:** Since when is fucking a dragon responsible?

 **Ginny:** Don't count on them helping you. They know what's good for them, and know not to talk about anything I do.

 **Harry:** God damn it.

 **George:** Don't look so down Harry. Ireland just won the World Cup.

 **Fred:** And I just won my first bet ever.

 **Hermione:** You know that's all leprechaun gold, right?

 **Fred:** What makes you say that?

 **Hermione:** *pointing at the writing on the bag* Property of Patrick O'Sullivan.

 **George:** Probably just something a buddy of his gave him.

 **Hermione:** Fine, don't believe me, but I'm telling you it's fake.

 **Fred:** Oh yeah? I bet you that it's real.

 **Hermione:** …okay.

 **George:** WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!

 **Fred:** Don't worry, I've got a good feeling about this.

 **George:** That's what I'm afraid of.

 **Arthur:** Alright, everyone off to bed.

 **Ron:** But we're not tired.

 **Arthur:** You're right, we need to stay up and party until we are tired *hears an explosion outside* See, everyone else is.

 **Percy:** Why are people screaming?

 **Arthur:** They're excited about the game *another explosion* Maybe it's fireworks?

 **Bill:** Why does it look like a hellscape outside?

 **Arthur:** …overly excited Irish fans?

 **Ginny:** Those are terror screams. Trust me on this.

 **Arthur:** Look, things aren't as bad as they seem…

 **Harry:** Why are they wearing masks?

 **Arthur:** …we might be in a little more trouble than I thought.

 **Percy:** Dad, those are Death Eaters.

 **Arthur:** Don't be silly Percy. Cannibalism is illegal.

 **Harry:** Alright, enough of this stupidity. Who's in favour of running away?

 **Hermione:** Oh, what's the worst that could happen?

 **Percy:** Those guys are magical Nazis who hate people with non-magical parents.

 **Hermione:** …I second Harry's running away idea.

 **Ginny:** I vote to stay and see how this plays out.

 **Arthur:** Fred, George, protect your little sister. Get her as far away from here as possible.

 **Ginny:** What? *gets picked up by Fred* NO! Please, no, I don't want to go. Put me down. PUT ME DOWN! If you don't put me down right now, I'll start revealing Endgame spoilers.

 **Fred:** Yeah, I'm sure our readers will be real thrilled with that.

 **George:** To be fair, everyone knew he was gonna die. Not necessarily the how, but they knew it was coming.

 **Ron:** Come on Harry, let's go into some dark corner of the forest where no-one can find us.

 **Harry:** To hide from the Death Eaters, right?

 **Ron:** We can do that too. Come on *drags Harry into the forest*

 **Hermione:** HEY! Wait up.

 **Ron:** Fine, I guess you can watch.

 **Draco:** Aww, are you three running from the little bit of fun happening in the campground?

 **Harry:** Shut up Malfoy. We all know your dad's probably one of the ones doing it. Besides, you're hiding in the trees too.

 **Draco:** I'm only here so I can find mudbloods to tell the Death Eaters about.

 **Hermione:** Hey Malfoy, how's your nose?

 **Draco:** …okay?

 **Hermione:** I can fix that for you.

 **Draco:** …move along.

 **Harry:** Damn right we can *flips Draco off as he leaves* Wow, it's dark here. Luckily we have wands to… *checks himself* Um, guys? I've lost my wand.

 **Ron:** I've found it.

 **Harry:** My MAGIC wand, Ron.

 **Ron:** This wand is magical to me, Harry.

 **Harry:** And sexual assault for me.

 **Hermione:** LUMOS! *the area around them lights up*

 **Ron:** Hey, you're using magic outside Hogwarts.

 **Hermione:** So?

 **Ron:** That's against the rules, isn't it?

 **Hermione:** Screw the rules, there are homicidal maniacs nearby.

 **Harry:** Hey, what's that?

 **Winky:** *coming out of a bush, seemingly being dragged by something or someone* Winky wants to be away from the ones attacking the muggles. Please, come with Winky to safety *Winky disappears out of the clearing without even looking at the three of them*

 **Harry:** Umm…was she talking to us, or…

 **Hermione:** She said she was getting away from the Death Eaters. That should be good enough for us.

 **Ron:** I don't know, can you really trust Crouch? I mean, everyone knows about his son.

 **Harry:** We don't, nor do we care. If things go sideways, start punching.

 **Hermione:** What makes you think that will work?

 **Harry:** Because Voldemort tried to kill me with magic when he could have just as easily thrown me out the window. Honestly, I think the Death Eaters can't fathom doing anything without magic, so physical violence will confuse them.

 **Hermione:** Anyway, what was with the way she was moving?

 **Ron:** Didn't ask permission to hide?

 **Hermione:** When they're in danger?

 **Ron:** Them's the rules.

 **Hermione:** What kind of stupid rule is "you're not allowed to protect yourself when in danger?"

 **Harry:** One that I suspect will lead to a plotline they skipped in the movies.

 **Ron:** So, are we following the house-elf, or…

 **Harry:** Yeah, sure, see if that advances the plot or not *heading through the trees* Winky? Where are you Winky? *sees a figure through the trees* Is that you *approaches, sees they're too big to be Winky* Oops, my mista…

 **?:** MORSMORDRE! *green flash erupts from the wand*

 **Harry:** Wha… *falls over*

 **Ron:** Well, that was a thing.

 **Hermione:** Guys…*points at the sky* What the fuck is that?

 **Harry:** That would be a skull with a snake coming out of it. Not sure why someone would bother making tha… *suddenly, the clearing is full of ministry* …well, hello there…

 **All the ministry people:** STUPIFY!

 **Hermione:** GET DOWN! *drags the other two down as the spell is fired, causing most of the Ministry guys to hit each other* What the hell?

 **Arthur:** Oh, ah, please don't fire, it's just my son and his friends *sees his wand is still smoking after firing the spell, and quickly hides it*

 **Harry:** Seriously though, what the hell was that about?

 **Crouch:** Which of you cast it?

 **Harry:** I…

 **Crouch:** HE ADMITTED IT! ARREST HIM!

 **Harry:** …don't have my wand right now.

 **Crouch:** …ARREST HIM FOR TRYING TO COVER FOR THE REAL CULPRIT!

 **Hermione:** Sir, we…

 **Crouch:** SHE ADMITTED IT WAS ALL THREE OF THEM!

 **Harry:** You seem very arrest happy. Like you want to push the blame to someone else, no matter what.

 **Crouch:** WHAT?! How dare you accuse me of that. I can accuse other people if I want. Maybe it was that guy *points at Arthur*

 **Arthur:** Shit, he's onto me *dives into a nearby bush*

 **Harry:** To be fair, he'll believe anything you say about him, no matter how ludicrous.

 **Arthur:** No I don't.

 **Harry:** You're Michael Jackson.

 **Arthur:** But Billie Jean is not my lover. Beat It, since you'll be defeated when you get hit by, you get struck by a Smooth Criminal.

 **Crouch:** Well, if you three didn't do it, who did?

 **Harry:** There was a guy over there who did it.

 **Arthur:** Hey, maybe one of our spells hit them *goes over to check for a body*

 **Hermione:** I seriously doubt…

 **Arthur:** I found someone.

 **Hermione:** Are you fucking kidding me? Surely they could have just Apparate out of here?

 **Harry:** By the way, how do you explain that? And portkeys?

 **Hermione:** Harry, I think we have more important things to worry about right now.

 **Arthur:** Here they are sir *dumps Winky in front of them*

 **Ron:** Good work dad.

 **Harry:** That's not who it was. The one who did it was definitely human, and had a much deeper voice.

 **Ron:** Look, she's holding a wand.

 **Harry:** Oh, for fuck's sake…hey, that's my wand.

 **Ron:** ARREST THIS BITCH!

 **Harry:** Ron, you saw who cast the spell. You know it couldn't have been Winky.

 **Ron:** I know. But she's touching your wand. That's MY property.

 **Harry:** Just…no.

 **Bagman:** *appearing on the scene* The fuck's going on here? *sees the Dark Mark* Oh…that's not good…

 **Harry:** What the fuck even is that?

 **Amos:** *waking up from being Stupified* Honestly child, you of all people should know that.

 **Harry:** I take it it's Voldemort related? *a distance crack of lightning is heard* Huh…weird.

 **Amos:** Child, that is the Dark Mark, You-Know-Who's symbol.

 **Harry:** Huh…and someone designed a spell for the sole purpose of putting that in the sky? Does it…does it do anything? Like, at all?

 **Arthur:** It looks scary.

 **Harry:** So…it does nothing then?

 **Ron:** You know this means You-Know-Who's coming back, right? And he'll want revenge on the one who nearly killed him.

 **Harry:** It's not my fault he doesn't know how to dash a baby's brains against the sidewalk.

 **Ron:** Don't worry, I'll protect you.

 **Harry:** Excellent. You can be my meat shield while I run away.

 **Crouch:** Are we all forgetting that my house elf summoned the Dark Mark?

 **Harry:** She didn't, but go on.

 **Crouch:** WINKY! Wake the fuck up.

 **Winky:** *waking up* Winky didn't do it.

 **Arthur:** Oh, well, if that's the case, sorry for bothering you sir.

 **Winky:** Did you just assume my gender?

 **Crouch:** Winky, we know you cast the Dark Mark. You were found at the scene of the crime, holding a wand, and we have witnesses.

 **Harry:** To someone ELSE doing it.

 **Amos:** For God's sake, put that child's wand in my hand…

 **Harry:** PHRASING!

 **Ron:** Plus, that wand is only allowed to be in MY hand.

 **Amos:** Listen, I can find out what the last thing to come out of that wand was…

 **Harry:** Oh my God.

 **Amos:** Just let me play with that child's thing.

 **Harry:** Are you related to McFondles? I swear, you're doing this on purpose.

 **Amos:** *receiving Harry's wand* Hmm, his wood is thicker than I thought.

 **Harry:** Oh, come on. What would your son think if he heard you saying these things?

 **Amos:** Who cares? He missed the game because he was auditioning to be in some superhero movie.

 **Harry:** Wow, he's gonna be in the MCU?

 **Amos:** Nope, he's going to be in the train wreck one. But enough banter, time to make our wands touch.

 **Harry:** Just…whatever.

 **Amos:** PRIOR INCANTATO! *a serpent comes out of the wand* Deletrius *The serpent disappears*

 **Crouch:** Winky *rips off his pants* YOU'RE FIRED!

 **Harry:** And on that note, let's leave.


	10. Chaos in the Cabinet

Chapter 10: Chaos in the Cabinet

 **Bill:** So…does this mean he's back?

 **Arthur:** Nah, probably just some punk teenagers have a laugh.

 **Percy:** By summoning the symbol of the Dark Lord?

 **Arthur:** Oh, all kids have their silly phases. Why, my boy Charlie had one where he would jerk off to Godzilla movies.

 **Charlie:** It's not a phase dad, it's who I really am.

 **Arthur:** Besides, they even found several kids at the scene of the crime, and one of their wands had been used to cast the spell. Case solved.

 **Harry:** HEY! That was MY wand that someone ELSE used.

 **Percy:** HARRY! How could you? After what He did to your parents.

 **Harry:** Exactly. How could I? Until today, I didn't even know there WAS a spell for the sheer purpose of looking creepy. Seriously, who the fuck decided we needed a spell like that?

 **Ginny:** Voldemort, obviously *a thunder strike is heard nearby*

 **Hermione:** Huh, not a cloud in the sky.

 **Arthur:** Well, we better all get some sleep before we head home.

 **Ron:** But we're not tir…

 **Harry:** NO! Don't say that. Remember what happened last time?

 **George:** Speaking of which, Fred, do you want to go check on our gold?

 **Fred:** Like I said, I have a good feeling about this…

 **Arthur:** *pulling out his wand* Alright, to sleep everyone. _Adsomnum materfututorum_ *everyone falls to the ground where they were standing*

*later, when they woke up*

 **Harry:** *waking up and seeing Ron and Ginny, still asleep, arm wrestling over his dick* Yeah, that seems about right.

 **Arthur:** Alright, everyone wake up. We're going home now.

 **Harry:** Um, sir? You magically forced everyone to go to sleep. I don't know when any of them are going to wake up.

 **Arthur:** You leave that to me *pulling out his wand* _Wingardium Leviosa_ *everyone else in the tent is suddenly floating*

 **Harry:** HEY! Put me down. I'm not asleep.

 **Arthur:** But you're easier to carry this way.

 **Harry:** I can walk.

 **Arthur:** Shh, it'll be cheaper to get everyone back if I pretend it's just me.

 **Harry:** What do you… *suddenly flying thousands feet in the air with the others* WHAT THE FUCK?!

*back on the ground*

 **Arthur:** One to go back Basil.

 **Basil:** Weren't there ten of you last time? Also, the Diggorys are going back the same way. Also, why is your wand pointing straight up?

 **Arthur:** Why are you looking at my boner?

 **Basil:** …You know what? I don't care anymore. Just go *hands Arthur a portkey*

 **Arthur:** Excellent *takes portkey, and immediately drops all the others from the sky*

 **Basil:** What the fu… *Arthur vanishes with the kids* …I don't get paid enough for this shit.

*at The Burrow*

 **Arthur:** Now, remember everyone, don't wake your mother. She doesn't know we were gone.

 **Bill:** When the fuck did we get home?

 **Arthur:** That's the spirit *opens door*

 **Molly:** Oh thank God.

 **Arthur:** SHIT, SHE SPOTTED US! RUN! *dives out of a nearby window*

 **Harry:** You're just gonna let him do that?

 **Molly:** He'll forget why he was doing it soon. I'm just grateful all of you are okay, after what I saw in the Daily Prophet *holds up article*

 **Percy:** Mum, this article was written by Rita Skeeter. The Karkrashians have a better grip on world news than she does.

 **Molly:** Fake reporter or not, that's the fucking Dark Mark.

 **Harry:** Oh, wow, the super scary thing in the sky that does NOTHING!

 **Molly:** See? Poor Harry's terrified of it.

 **Harry:** Oh, come on Mrs. Weasley, I have more respect for you than this. Don't become your husband.

 **Arthur:** Well, I better get to work.

 **Hermione:** It's four thirty in the morning.

 **Arthur:** But if I leave now, I'll beat the traffic.

 **Molly:** What traffic? You can apparate.

 **Arthur:** OH NO, SHEs STILL HERE! *apparates away*

 **Molly:** So, what happened out there?

 **Ron:** Why are you looking specifically at us?

 **Hermione:** Because it's always us. Name one time when it isn't us.

 **Harry:** Look, the short answer is, someone stole my wand, cast the apparently evil Dark Mark, and left Winky to take the fall.

 **Molly:** Oh no, that's awful…wait, who's Winky?

 **Fred:** Crouch's house elf.

 **Percy:** FORMER house elf.

 **George:** Actually, the events Harry was describing were while Winky was still employed, therefore what Fred said was correct.

 **Percy:** I… *thinks about it* You know, if you put that much thought into your OWLs you might have earned a few more.

 **Fred:** We're businessmen. We don't need to be smart for that.

 **Molly:** Name one businessman who isn't smart.

 **George:** Donald Drumpf? Let's face it, he went bankrupt several times in the 90s, he's probably bankrupt right now.

 **Charlie:** They're not wrong.

 **Molly:** BUT THEY SHOULD BE!

 **Harry:** Hey, uh, has Hedwig arrived with a letter for me?

 **Molly:** Why no, she hasn't. Why, are you expecting one? And from who? *everyone stares at him expectantly*

 **Ginny:** Twenty Galleons says it's from Sirius Black.

 **Fred:** You're on.

 **George:** Why would Harry write to him? He's a serial killer.

 **Ginny:** Because he seems like such a nice guy, especially since he didn't kill Harry despite having the opportunity to.

 **Harry:** Well, I'm gonna go lie down.

 **Ron:** I'm coming too.

 **Harry:** Why do I get the feeling you just announced your intentions?

 **Hermione:** I'll go with you too.

 **Harry:** Well, that'll offset part of the problem.

*in Ron's room*

 **Hermione:** So, did you write to Sirius?

 **Harry:** Yeah, I just wanted to let him know I would be here instead of the Dursley's.

 **Hermione:** Oh, that's fair enough.

 **Harry:** And that my scar was hurting the other day.

 **Hermione:** Oh…that's less good.

 **Ron:** What's the problem? It's a scar. It's meant to hurt.

 **Harry:** Considering that the last time it did I was in the presence of Voldemort *distant thunder crack* Okay, that's just getting ominous.

 **Hermione:** Harry, you need to talk to someone like Dumbledore about this.

 **Harry:** I don't…

 **Hermione:** As Headmaster of a school for advanced science, he probably has some experience with injuries caused from such rare weaponry and might know how to treat it.

 **Harry:** Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're not thinking of the same person.

 **Hermione:** What actually happened?

 **Harry:** Well, I was having a dream…

 **Hermione:** Oh, well then it's probably nothing.

 **Ron:** Don't worry Harry, if your scars hurting, I'll be right here to kiss it better.

 **Harry:** NO! I want it to feel BETTER, not worse. Anyway, Voldemort *distant thunder crack* and Pettigrew were planning to kill someone, probably me. And let's not forget what Trelawney said last year.

 **Hermione:** Yeah, this threat's definitely just in your head.

*a few days later*

 **Arthur:** Honey, I'm home.

 **Molly:** You're not scared of me right now?

 **Arthur:** Should I be?

 **Molly:** Well, you've been at work for the last three and a half days.

 **Arthur:** Oh, just sorting out some insurance claims from the World Cup.

 **Molly:** Isn't that the insurance company's job, not the Ministry's?

 **Arthur:** …okay, nobody tell Fudge that I paid out Mundungus Fletcher's twelve story tent with a jacuzzi.

 **Percy:** Dad, his "tent" was a cloak on a couple of sticks.

 **Arthur:** …DEFINITELY nobody tell Fudge about that then.

 **Harry:** How well are you guys going in smoothing this whole thing over?

 **Arthur:** I think it's going pretty well.

 **Percy:** And by that he means Rita Skeeter is having a field day.

 **Harry:** Seriously, who is she? And why do I get the feeling I'm going to hate her once I hear the answer?

 **Fred:** She writes gossip pieces.

 **George:** And pretends that reporting anything involving celebrities is journalism.

 **Harry:** Yep, knew I'd hate her.

 **Percy:** At least she doesn't know about Crouch's house elf.

 **Hermione:** You mean the one that was unfairly fired after Crouch exposed himself in front of us?

 **Harry:** Hermione, please don't make this a plot point. There's a reason it was cut from the movies.

 **Ron:** *coming downstairs* MUM! You gave me one of Ginny's dresses.

 **Molly:** Ron, those are your dress robes. You need them this year for…something I've been told not to tell you about.

 **Percy:** And it better stay that way.

 **Harry:** They look like the ragged old clothes you put on a scarecrow.

 **Molly:** Well, I suppose they are a little old.

 **Harry:** How old?

 **Molly:** …thirty-ish.

 **Hermione:** They're only thirty years old?

 **Molly:** Goodness no, I meant they were made in the thirties.

 **Harry:** Good, he can be mocked in front of the entire school when he wears them.

 **Molly:** You have some too.

 **Harry:** How could you do this to me? You're one of the good adults.

 **Molly:** *holding them up for him* I got them new and in a more modern style.

 **Harry:** Oh *turns to Ron, doing a Nelson Muntz impression* HA-HA!


	11. Riding the School Train

Chapter 11: Riding the School Train

 **Harry:** Well, it's the end of the holidays. Guess we'll be going back to Hogwarts now so that the plot can actually start… *sees Amos Diggory's head in the fireplace* …if it wasn't for all the other magical shit I've seen over the last four years, I'd actually be confused by this.

 **Ron:** It's just a lazy version of Floo Powder.

 **Harry:** Probably not, but whatever.

 **Hermione:** It's kind of dangerous using teleportation like this, seeing as how it requires you to destroy every atom of your body and rebuild it perfectly on the other side.

 **Harry:** Somehow, that explanation isn't the stupidest thing on the planet.

 **Amos:** Look, can one of you just tell Arthur I'm here? There's been a ruckus at Mad-Eye Moody's place. And right before he got to start his new job too.

 **Harry:** So he's our Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, then?

 **Amos:** How the hell did you figure that out?

 **Harry:** Because we change Defence teachers annually, and he's starting a new job when term goes back. Not hard to figure out.

 **Molly:** Hold on, I'll go get Arthur for you *yelling* ARTHUR! Amos is in the fireplace.

 **Arthur:** Tell him I'm not home.

 **Amos:** I just heard you Arthur.

 **Arthur:** Oh…Amos, I'm not home.

 **Amos:** Look, just meet me at Mad-Eye Moody's place. Shit went down last night.

 **Arthur:** Well, duh. That's what happens when you have an evening poop.

 **Amos:** Ugh, whatever *disappears*

 **Arthur:** Phew, I was worried he'd make me actually do some work.

 **Molly:** You know you could get fired if you don't go, right?

 **Arthur:** Oh, what are they going to do? Fire me?

*ten seconds of silence*

 **Harry:** Umm…

 **Molly:** Give him a moment.

 **Arthur:** …OH SHIT, I could get fired *quickly Apparates out of there*

 **Harry:** Wow, you have more faith in him than I do.

 **Molly:** I've been married to him for over twenty five years…

 **Harry:** You poor thing.

 **Molly:** …and I've figured out when he's stupid, when he's a moron, and when he's an imbecile.

 **Harry:** There's a difference?

 **Bill:** So, someone attacked Mad-Eye? How much is left of them?

 **Percy:** They're probably scraping it off the pavement as we speak.

 **Harry:** And this guy's going to be working at a school?

 **Charlie:** What, you haven't had a homicidal maniac as a teacher before?

 **Harry:** Does the back of one of their heads count? If not, then only on a full moon.

 **Hermione:** So, who is he?

 **Fred:** Only one of the most successful dark wizard hunters of all time.

 **George:** But because doing that tends to get you a few enemies, he's gone a bit paranoid in his retirement.

 **Ron:** By setting up security spells around his house that explode anything that crosses them. Mailmen dread getting his route.

 **Ginny:** Sounds delightful.

 **Molly:** Well, we've gotta get you kids to Hogwarts. The taxis should be getting here soon.

 **Harry:** You can't just apparate us onto the platform? I mean, there's four adults here, and six kids to go to Hogwarts. It would only take two trips to do it. And it's not like either end will require you to worry about being seen by muggles.

 **Percy:** Harry, you know perfectly well logic doesn't thrive here.

*at King's Cross*

 **Harry:** You know, those drivers are going to talk about how they had to transport ten people, six of them lugging heavy trunks, two of them with pet owls, and make people suspicious because of how weird that is.

 **Molly:** And I keep telling you that they're not going to say anything. See, watch *turns to cab drivers* _Obliviate_.

 **Bill:** Did you remember to pay them?

 **Percy:** And how much did you erase? *sees one of the drivers get back into his cab, immediately reverses into one of the other cabs, drives forward into the other, then screeches over the curb and lands on the train tracks, right as a train comes through* Oh, that much.

 **Harry:** Nah, that's pretty standard for cab drivers the world over.

 **Molly:** Alright everyone through the portal, train will be leaving soon.

*on the platform*

 **Hermione:** See you later, guys. It was a pleasure meeting you.

 **Charlie:** Don't worry, I have a feeling I'll be seeing you guys again real soon.

 **Harry:** Is Hagrid hoarding dragons again?

 **Charlie:** As much as I'd like that, I don't think he is. You see…

 **Percy:** No Charlie, you can't tell them yet. I haven't even finalised all the details yet.

 **Ron:** All the details of what?

 **Percy:** Well…I shouldn't be telling you about this, but the International Cauldron Exhibition is getting held at Hogwarts this year…

 **Fred:** Nobody cares about that event.

 **George:** What's the real thing you're hiding?

 **Percy:** Hey, cauldrons are important.

 **Harry:** Look, we're gonna find out tonight at the feast anyway. Or at least we should, since we're nearly a third of the way through the book and haven't even gotten to Hogwarts yet.

 **Molly:** Alright, everyone on the train.

 **Harry:** Why? How long have we got? *sees the train moving* Oh *starts running after it with the others*

 **Ron:** *jumping onto the train* Harry, grab my hand *Hermione grabs it instead* HEY! I said HARRY! *tries to throw her off the train*

 **Hermione:** You know, I could have Crookshanks attack another one of your pets.

 **Ron:** *glares at her* Harry, grab my hand.

 **Harry:** That's okay, I'll get in the next carriage.

 **Ginny:** He said "get in" *suddenly they were in a compartment with Ron and Hermione*

 **Harry:** When did we…

 **Ginny:** I decided it, so it became so.

 **Draco:** Hey Potter, enjoy the World Cup?

 **Harry:** Sure did. Did you enjoy marching out of the stadium because she forced you too? *Ginny waves innocently at him*

 **Draco:** Yeah, well…I know what's happening at school this year and you don't.

 **Harry:** Yeah, well, we'll find out about it…NEXT CHAPTER?! Are you kidding? We're waiting TWELVE chapters in a thirty seven chapter book to get to the plot?!

 **Neville:** Hey guys, I'm here too.

 **Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Draco:** NOBODY CARES, NEVILLE!


	12. The Three Mage Contest

Chapter 12: The Three Mage Contest

*on the Hogsmeade station platform, rain coming down heavily*

 **Hagrid:** A'righ', first years this way.

 **Hermione:** Hey Hagrid, are you still taking the first years across the lake?

 **Hagrid:** Well, yea'. It's tradition.

 **Harry:** Even when common sense would dictate NOT doing that? Hell, you've got a bunch of the best witches and wizards teaching at this school, surely one of them could magic up a…

 **Ron:** Harry, when has common sense been a thing in this series?

 **Harry:** Fair enough.

*in the Entrance Hall*

 **Ron:** Ah, so good to be out of the rain *gets pelted in the face with a water balloon* What the hell?

 **Harry:** Peeves.

 **Ron:** How the hell do you know?

 **Harry:** He's literally filling another one up two feet in front of us *sees he's finished* Speaking of which *steps to the side as Peeves throws it, letting Neville take it instead*

 **Neville:** I swear, one day I'll be cool.

 **Harry:** Yeah, good luck with that.

 **McGonagall:** PEEVES! Stop that at once.

 **Peeves:** Why? I'm having fun.

 **McGonagall:** Because the children are already drenched. What you're doing is the equivalent of pissing into a sea of piss.

 **Peeves:** Piss? An excellent idea professor *flies off with his water balloons*

 **Harry:** Good God woman, what have you done?

 **McGonagall:** Don't worry, he can't urinate, so you should be fine.

 **Peeves:** *off in the distance* Come on Mrs. Norris, just a few squirts will be fine.

 **McGonagall:** …that, on the other hand, might be a problem. For Mr. Filch, of course.

 **Hermione:** I don't get why you just let that rogue A. I. roam the castle so freely.

 **McGonagall:** …what?

 **Harry:** Your top student still doesn't believe in magic.

 **McGonagall:** She doesn't believe in magic?

 **Harry:** You didn't know that?

 **McGonagall:** Then how does she…

 **Harry:** She's thinks it's really advanced science.

 **McGonagall:** Bah, science. Who believes in that shit?

 **Harry:** Oh, come on, can't there be ONE fantasy series where science and magic are equally accepted?

*in the Great Hall*

 **Ron:** Can we have food now? I'm starving.

 **Hermione:** Ron, you know we have to wait for the sorting ceremony first.

 **Harry:** Oh yeah, I forgot about that. How do they do that these days, seeing as the Sorting Hat's M. I. A.?

 **McGonagall:** *walking past wearing what appears to be heavy military gear* You'll see soon enough, Potter.

 **Harry:** …should I be concerned?

 **Colin:** Hey Harry.

 **Harry:** Oh good, my other stalker.

 **Ron:** You had a stalker before him?

 **Harry:** You ARE the stalker before him.

 **Ron:** Silly Harry, there's a difference between stalkers and best friends.

 **Colin:** I really hope my brother ends up in Gryffindor too.

 **Harry:** Wait, aren't your parents muggles?

 **Colin:** Yeah, why?

 **Harry:** What are the odds that both you AND your brother would both be wizards when neither of your parents are?

 **Ron:** Oh Harry, it happens all the time. If one child of non-magical parents is magical, all of them are.

 **Harry:** No, they're not. I have an aunt that proves this.

 **Hermione:** Shh, the sorting ceremony's about to begin *points to Hagrid leading the first years into the Great Hall*

 **Dumbledore:** Let the Hunger Games begin.

 **Harry:** *as McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick, and Sprout pull out automatic weapons* WHAT?! *the four teachers start firing paintballs at the first years* Oh, that's what they're doing.

 **Flitwick:** This is much more fun than sitting through that mouldy old hat read people's minds.

 **Sprout:** Why didn't we think of this sooner?

 **Snape:** Probably because these are muggle technology.

 **Flitwick:** We need to stop dismissing this shit. Who wants to go to the muggle store tomorrow?

 **Snape:** Don't you have classes tomorrow?

 **Flitwick:** Oh, right. Minerva, can you get your students to transfigure some lightsabres tomorrow?

 **McGonagall:** Filius, you know that's a seventh year spell, and I don't have anything above fourth tomorrow.

 **Flitwick:** Damn it.

*once the Sorting Ceremony was over*

 **Dumbledore:** Alright, everyone start stuffing your faces.

 **Ron:** About bloody time.

 **Nearly Headless Nick:** You know Ron, the Sorting Ceremony is important.

 **Ron:** *through a mouthful of food* Mmfmfmmfmf mmf.

 **Nick:** What?

 **Harry:** I think he told you to shut up.

 **Nick:** Well, fine. I guess the house elves who cooked this outdid themselves this year.

 **Harry:** *seeing Hermione heard this and putting her fork down* Uh oh…

 **Hermione:** House elves made this?

 **Nick:** Well, of course. Where did you think the food came from? Magic?

 **Hermione:** Of course not, that would be ridiculous.

 **Harry:** Hermione, I'm begging you, please don't make this a plot point.

 **Hermione:** It's just that I've never even seen a house elf here.

 **Nick:** Well, obviously. Good help is neither seen nor heard.

 **Harry:** *sees Hermione push her unfinished food away* God damn it Nick.

 **Hermione:** From this day forth, I will not eat anything made from slave labour.

 **Nick:** They're hardly slaves if they don't ask for payment.

 **Hermione:** Do they know they should be paid?

 **Nick:** Well…no, but…

 **Hermione:** EXACTLY! It's slave labour. In the twentieth century. How can such an advanced school allow such outdated practices?

 **Harry:** You realise that Hogwarts probably provides them with all the food and shelter they need, as well as holidays when school's out, and therefore have no need for money?

 **Hermione:** Harry, are you saying you approve of slave labour?

 **Harry:** I didn't say either of those words.

 **Hermione:** Exactly. I'm not going to eat anything served here until those house elves get the recognition they deserve.

 **Harry:** Uh huh. And what will you eat instead?

 **Hermione:** I…think I have some Tic-Tacs in my pocket.

 **Harry:** Well at least your breath will smell good while you starve to death.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh yeah, I had more shit to say.

 **McGonagall:** Albus, the children are still eating.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh, right *magics the remaining food away, causing many complaints* Now that I have your murderous glares, I have some more announcements.

 **Fred:** How about more food?

 **Hermione:** You know it comes from slave labour, right?

 **George:** So do Disney movies, but you still starred in one of those.

 **Dumbledore:** First of all, there will be no Quidditch this year.

 **Every student:** …what?

 **Dumbledore:** Instead, we will be hosting a very special event: the annual Cauldron Exhibition.

 **Fred:** PERCY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

 **George:** You know the bitch in question is our own mother, right?

 **Fred:** And your point?

*back at The Burrow*

 **Molly:** *suddenly looks up from what she's doing* I think someone's talking negatively about me.

*back at Hogwarts*

 **Dumbledore:** Oh, and also… *the door to the Great Hall opens, revealing a mysterious and freaky looking man, who marches straight up to the teacher's table and sits down* Doctor Who is that?

 **McGonagall:** Albus, that joke doesn't work yet.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh…introducing your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher…I assume. I honestly don't remember hiring anyone.

 **Snape:** Then what were you going to do for that class?

 **Dumbledore:** Honestly, I was just gonna let the kids form a club and practice in secret.

 **Snape:** That sounds like a horrible idea that would never work.

 **Dumbledore:** You don't know that yet. Anyway, bedtime.

 **McGonagall:** Albus, remember the OTHER thing that was going to happen this year? The one I daresay the kids will be more interested in.

 **Dumbledore:** I dunno, the Cauldron Exhibition sounds pretty cool.

 **Snape:** Sir, my class revolves around cauldron use, and I hate everything about that event.

 **Dumbledore:** *sighs* Fine, we'll also be hosting two other schools for an event called the Triwizard Tournament, which brings the winner honour, glory, and a one million galleon cash prize, but I doubt any of you will be interested in…

 **Fred and George:** We're totally signing up.

 **Dumbledore:** No you're not, it's for seventeen year old's only.

 **Fred and George:** WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! *other students start yelling objections*

 **McGonagall:** I told you that there'd be more students interested in this than the Cauldron Exhibition.

 **Dumbledore:** But the way Percy described it made it seem so much cooler.

 **Snape:** Yes, you should totally listen to the eighteen year old who was unpopular even within his own family and has only just started working for the Ministry. THAT was never gonna work out badly.

 **McGonagall:** Maybe you should explain the Tournament before we have an all out riot on our hands.

 **Moody:** Or you could use this as a way to find your champion.

 **McGonagall:** You keep out of this, Alastor.

 **Moody:** …oh, right, that's my name, isn't it?

 **McGonagall:** Hmm…

 **Dumbledore:** Well, how this works is, a representative from each of the three schools enters, and one leaves. They might even leave alive if they're lucky. Unfortunately, those spoilsports at the Ministry demanded that we make it at least survivable this time, and that only students who know what they're doing can enter.

 **Ron:** So wait, if this doesn't affect us, why is it even mentioned?

 **Harry:** I suddenly have a very bad feeling about this.

 **Dumbledore:** An impartial judge will be choosing candidates, so don't bother entering if you're too young.

 **Fred:** Want to find a way to corrupt the judge?

 **George:** You read my fucking mind.

 **Dumbledore:** Now, go to bed.

*on their way upstairs*

 **Neville:** Guess it's for the best that the Tournament's only for older students. I'm not sure if I'd be able to…AHHHH! *falls through a fake step in the staircase*

 **Dean:** He forgot it was there again, didn't he?

 **Colin:** Hey Dennis, look! You know who that is, right?

 **Harry:** Are either of you two important to the plot? *they shake their heads. Harry pushes them through the fake step* Ahh, so satisfying.


	13. Insane Pupil Gloomy

Chapter 13: Insane Pupil Gloomy

 **Fred:** I say we develop an aging potion. No-one will know that we're too young if we do that.

 **George:** Especially if they're an unbiased third party with no knowledge of us.

 **Lee:** There's no way this plan could fail.

 **Harry:** And here I was thinking a simple fake ID would work fine.

 **Hermione:** Silly Harry, as if they'd think of something that simple.

 **Fred:** Hey, didn't you have a time turner?

 **George:** Any chance we could borrow it to go into the future and send our future selves back to compete in the competition?

 **Hermione:** First of all, I don't have it anymore. Second of all, how'd you find out I have one? And third of all, me and Harry are still paranoid that we've broken the timeline beyond all repair after everything that happened last year.

 **Harry:** At least our time travel stuff made more sense than Endgame's.

 **Ron:** Hey Hermione, why are you loading your plate with stuff? I thought you weren't eating food prepared by lesser beings?

 **Hermione:** *glares at him* How can any of you let him get away with this racist crap?

 **Lee:** Meh, I'm just glad it's not directed at my people this time.

 **Dean:** You mean our people, right?

 **Lee:** Yes I do *high fives him* Why don't we have more scenes together?

 **Dean:** Maybe because…

 **Hermione:** Anyway, the reason I'm eating it is because I think there are better ways for me to campaign for house elf rights.

 **Harry:** You ran out of Tic Tacs, didn't you?

 **Hermione:** Irrelevant *practically inhales her food, causing stunned silence from the others*

 **Harry:** Okay…that happened…the only way that could have been more horrifying is if your jaw unhinged like a snake.

 **Ginny:** What's wrong with snakes?

 **Harry:** I nearly died from one a year ago, remember? You were there and mostly the cause of it.

 **Ginny:** Oh yeah. Good times.

 **Ron:** Mail's here *watches all the owls flying in with stuff*

 **Fred:** You wanna take bets on what Neville forgot this year?

 **George:** That seems a bit mean, so of course I do.

 **Neville:** Why do you assume I forg… *a package lands in his lap* …shut up.

 **Fred:** I bet he forgot his robes.

 **Neville:** It's Trevor.

 **Fred:** FUCK!

 **George:** Next time, check and see if he's wearing his robes first.

 **Harry:** Huh, still no sign of Hedwig.

 **Ron:** Who cares? We just got our timetables, and it looks like we'll be having Herbology first thing on a Monday.

 **Harry:** Today's Friday.

 **Ron:** Off we go.

*in the Greenhouses*

 **Sprout:** What the fuck are you kids doing here?

 **Harry:** Apparently the week resets when we come to Hogwarts.

 **Sprout:** Oh, that's right. Now, before we begin, Mr. Finnigan, you may excuse yourself as soon as you hurt yourself.

 **Seamus:** Why? What are we doing?

 **Sprout:** We're collecting pus.

 **Harry:** Your entire class is fourteen years old. Pimple pus is ninety percent of our faces.

 **Parvati:** PIMPLES?! EEK! Lavender, get them off me. GET THEM OFF ME!

 **Lavender:** Hold on, I got it *pulls out wand* _Furnunculus_ *there was a flash of light*

 **Parvati:** Are they gone?

 **Lavender:** I don't know, you didn't have any to begin with. Quick, do me now.

 **Seamus:** Do as in…

 **Lavender:** Get the pimples off my face.

 **Seamus:** Damn it. One day…

 **Parvati:** _Furnunculus_ *a flash of light in front of Lavender's face* Luckily, I don't think you had any pimples either.

 **Sprout:** Three.

 **Lavender:** What?

 **Sprout:** Two.

 **Parvati:** Huh?

 **Sprout:** One *Parvati and Lavender suddenly gain hundreds and hundreds of pimples*

 **Parvati:** WHAT THE FUCK?!

 **Lavender:** GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! *runs out of classroom with Parvati*

 **Sprout:** Maybe if they'd looked past the word pimple, they'd have realised what the spell actually did. Ironically, the pus we're collecting is used for curing acne.

 **Harry:** So, we're curing pus, with pus?

 **Hermione:** Yeah. Everyone knows the best way to fight fire is with fire.

 **Harry:** Pretty sure Pokémon taught us otherwise.

 **Hermione:** No it didn't, it hasn't even come out yet.

*later, in Care of Magical Creatures*

 **Harry:** Hey Malfoy, planning on mutilating yourself through your own idiocy with whatever we're handling today?

 **Draco:** Silly Potter. Everyone knows that the judge ruled in my favour after he coincidentally got a large donation from my father.

 **Hermione:** Wow, your father was so unconfident with his case, he had to bribe a judge against an unconscious drunk man.

 **Draco:** How dare you mudblood. Goyle, say something scathing to her.

 **Goyle:** Duh.

 **Draco:** Ooh, that's nasty. Crabbe, follow it up.

 **Crabbe:** Gah.

 **Draco:** Man, when did you become such a savage?

 **Ron:** Should…should we be offended?

 **Harry:** Just let him pretend for now.

 **Hagrid:** Awright kids, 'oo wan's tah play with dangros anmals? *drops a box in front of them, which starts letting off several explosions*

 **Seamus:** Well, better stick my dick in it.

 **Dean:** How do you have anything left at this point?

 **Hagrid:** These here are Blas'-Ended Skrewts. I don' know shit abou' 'em, so we'll be makin' this up as weh go, okay?

 **Harry:** Still more prepared than Lockhart.

 **Hermione:** Wait, I've never even heard of these *stunned silence from the rest of the class*

 **Hagrid:** 'course not. I bred a manticore and a fire crab over the summer to make 'em.

 **Harry:** I'm not even going to question how a mammal and a crustacean managed to breed.

*later*

 **Hermione:** I've got Arithmancy next, how about you guys?

 **Ron:** Divination.

 **Hermione:** You're continuing with that farce of a subject?

 **Harry:** Need I remind you that she actually predicted that we'd meet Pettigrew a few months back? There's no way anyone could have seen that coming. Except Sirius. And Lupin at the end there.

 **Hermione:** Lucky guess *starts shovelling food into her mouth*

 **Harry:** You know eating like that will make you spew, right?

 **Hermione:** Spew, huh? That's gives me an idea *gets up* I'm going to the library.

 **Ron:** I know how you feel. Libraries make me sick too.

 **Hermione:** That's not it. I've got an idea *leaves*

 **Harry:** So, we're just going to ignore how stupid Arithmancy is as a concept?

 **Ron:** What could be stupid about a magical class based around mathematics? You need to be some kind of wizard to understand that shit.

*in Divination*

 **Harry:** I wonder how long it will be before Trelawney predicts my death?

 **Trelawney:** *enters the room* You're still alive?

 **Harry:** A second and a half apparently.

 **Trelawney:** Don't worry child, it won't be the last time I see your death this school year. I can see at least three dangerous situations for you in the next year.

 **Harry:** So I was right to be anxious when Dumbledore mentioned the Triwizard Tournament?

 **Trelawney:** Ah, the Triwizard Tournament. Someone's gonna die during it. Probably you.

 **Harry:** HA! I'm too young for it. I win.

 **Hermione:** *from Arithmancy* Told you she was a fraud.

 **Trelawney:** Now, today we'll be learning about Astrology…

 **Ron:** I believe Hermione now.

 **Trelawney:** You, boy. The doomed one. Born mid-winter, right?

 **Harry:** Nope. July.

 **Trelawney:** Australian winter, I knew it. I also know that you were born under the rays of Saturn, a rare occurrence.

 **Harry:** Every twenty nine years.

 **Trelawney:** Why do you sound sceptical?

 **Harry:** Because science contradicts everything Astrology stands for. Now, either teach us something useful, or…

 **Trelawney:** Or what? You'll leave? Good luck with that. Rowling has you stuck here for another book after this one kiddo.

 **Harry:** …fuck.

*at dinner*

 **Ron:** So, why is this chapter named after Moody? He hasn't even appeared yet.

 **Draco:** Hey Weasley, your father screwed up at the Ministry again.

 **Harry:** Oh, come on Malfoy. There's literally no-one here that's surprised by that *turns back to face the others*

 **Draco:** How DARE you ignore me *pulls out his wand, only to get thrown back* What the hell? *sees Moody pointing his wand at him* You…you can't do that.

 **Moody:** What, you mean cast a spell on someone while their back is turned? Like you were about to do?

 **Draco:** You're…you're a teacher.

 **Moody:** And you're a student that needs disciplining.

 **Draco:** That…I'm gonna tell my fa… *there's a flash of light, and suddenly Draco's a ferret*

 **Moody:** Tell him what, exactly? *ferret squeaks at him* Aww, isn't that adorable, you still think you're a threat. _Wingardium Leviosa_ *ferret starts floating in the air*

 **McGonagall:** Moody, what the fuck is that?

 **Moody:** I believe you know him as Draco Malfoy.

 **McGonagall:** Oh. Well, as deputy headmistress, I am supposed to tell you that transfiguration is not an approved method of punishment for a student.

 **Moody:** That doesn't sound like a command to change him back.

 **McGonagall:** That's because the snobbish little prick has had this coming for years. Carry on for five minutes, or until you get bored, whichever comes first.

 **Moody:** Excellent. Who's up for a game of ferret tennis *entire Gryffindor table raises their hands*

 **Harry:** Well, I like him. Let's hope he's not hiding some horrible secret.


	14. The Deplorable Jinxes

Chapter 14: The Deplorable Jinxes

 **Ron:** Finally, after two days of waiting…

 **Harry:** Six days.

 **Ron:** …it's Thursday, so we get to have Defence Against the Dark Arts and see what Moody's like.

 **Fred:** He's a great teacher.

 **George:** You need to see it to believe it.

 **Harry:** Based on what happened to Malfoy the other day, I'll believe it.

 **Lee:** Seriously, the guy's a god damn nutjob.

 **Harry:** His name is MAD-Eye Moody. I kinda figured.

 **Hermione:** HARRY! That's unfair stereotyping. Speaking of which…

 **Fred, George, and Lee:** We just remembered we have to be somewhere that isn't here *leave very quickly*

 **Harry:** I swear to God, if this is about what I think it's about…

 **Hermione:** It's about S. P. E. W.

 **Harry:** …what?

 **Hermione:** S. P. E. W. It's a group I've started for…

 **Ron:** That's not until the end of the chapter. We have a new teacher to check out *leaves*

 **Hermione:** He's enthusiastic.

 **Harry:** He's hoping you forget about whatever you're trying to recruit us to, as am I *leaves*

*later, in Defence Against the Dark Arts*

 **Hermione:** It's not often that we beat the teacher to the class.

 **Harry:** Really? That's what you're focusing on?

 **Hermione:** Just saying, don't you think it's kinda weir…

 **Moody:** *kicking in the door* Alright motherfuckers, who wants to do some learning?

 **Hermione:** Was there a reason you were late?

 **Moody:** *hiding a flask in his robes* That doesn't answer my question, but since you don't have a choice either way, the answer has to be yes anyway, so let's get to it. Today we're gonna be learning how to get your ass a one way ticket to Azkaban.

 **Harry:** That seems like an irresponsible thing to be teaching fourteen year olds.

 **Moody:** Do you have a problem with my teaching methods Potter?

 **Harry:** I didn't say that, I just said it was irresponsible.

 **Moody:** Excellent. Now, there are three Unforgivable Curses. What are they?

 **Hermione:** Err…should you be teaching us those? I mean, if they're illegal, wouldn't it be a better idea to NOT teach us them and hope that one day the spells are forgotten?

 **Moody:** Miss Granger, is it? I was told you were a smart one, so how about you think about this? If you know what the spells are, you can learn how to defend yourself from them. Why the hell do you think the class is called Defence?

 **Hermione:** But by getting rid of…

 **Moody:** I only have a year here, so someone give me a curse to teach you.

 **Harry:** At least this teacher knows he's going down.

 **Ron:** *raising his hand* Umm…the Imperius curse?

 **Harry:** Holy shit, you actually know something?

 **Moody:** Weasley, is it? I figured as much from the red hair.

 **Harry:** That's…racist? I think. Surely there are non-Weasley redheads in this universe.

 **Hermione:** Name one.

 **Harry:** …fuck. Well, at least they didn't replace the redhead minority with someone black.

 **Dean:** That better be a reference, or there'll be trouble.

 **Harry:** Just wait, the comments will be in an uproar over it soon enough.

 **Moody:** If you're done, Weasley has actually identified the first of the curses. Wanna see it in action?

 **Lavender:** On a student? I volunteer Neville.

 **Neville:** What?

 **Parvati:** Second.

 **Neville:** Why me?

 **Harry:** …third.

 **Moody:** Tempting, but I'm afraid I'm not allowed to use human test subjects anymore.

 **Seamus:** Should we be concerned about that last word?

 **Moody:** So instead we'll be using large spiders.

 **Ron:** May I be excused?

 **Moody:** Absolutely not *pulls out a jar of spiders and puts one on the desk* _Imperio_ *the spider got on its back legs and started dancing the Macarena*

 **Harry:** Wow, was not expecting that dance to have a spell for it. Or for it to be illegal to perform it.

 **Moody:** Oh yes, it's quite the crime to do that dance. However, the Imperius Curse is actually used for making people do whatever you want.

 **Seamus:** *pointing his wand at his dick* _Imperio_ *his dick suddenly gets ten times bigger* It works.

 **Moody:** Not how that's supposed to work, but whatever. Next curse. You there, Longbottom. What is it?

 **Neville:** I…I don't wanna talk about it.

 **Harry:** What's with Neville? He's the comic relief punching bag. It's not like he's got a tragic backstory or anything.

 **Moody:** What's wrong kid? It's not like it's gonna emotionally scar you to hear me talk about, in excruciating detail, what the Cruciatus Curse is.

 **Neville:** Please stop.

 **Harry:** Yes, please, before he gets a tragic backstory.

 **Moody:** *pulling out another spider* _Crucio_ *spider curls up in pain* Ah, yes, the Cruciatus Curse. A curse designed for the sole purpose of torture. If this gets used on you, you will be in extreme physical pain. Sometimes, if it's used on you for too long, it can cause severe mental damage, completely fucking your mind to pieces.

 **Neville:** Please…

 **Moody:** Oh, I haven't got to the part about how the mental damage can be so severe it can force a parent to forget about their own children. Hell, I remember this one baby back in the eighties who lost both his parents to… *realises who it was that this happened to* Err… *takes the spell off the spider*

 **Seamus:** *pointing his wand at his dick* _Crucio_ *his dick suddenly reverts to its normal size* NOOO!

 **Moody:** Alright, that's two of the three. The final curse is _Avada Kedavra_ …

 **Seamus:** *pointing his wand at his dick* _Avada Keda_ …

 **Moody:** …the killing curse.

 **Seamus:** *pauses for a moment, then carefully puts his wand on the desk and moving his hand away* Continue.

 **Moody:** *pulls out a third spider* _Avada Kedavra_ *there's a green flash of light, then the spider's dead* No-one who has ever been hit by this spell has ever survived, except for Scarface over there.

 **Harry:** I did it with the power of love.

 **Moody:** There is no counter curse to it, no way to block it, you can't even dodge it. If it's used, someone's dying.

 **Harry:** Except for all the times the plot demands otherwise.

 **Hermione:** But if it's so unavoidable, why even teach it? If we don't know about it, it becomes forgotten knowledge and won't get used.

 **Moody:** Kid, which of us has taken down more Death Eaters than you have I. Q. points?

 **Hermione:** Well that's just…

 **Moody:** That's right, me bitch. Now shut the fuck up and let me teach my class *bell rings* Shut the fuck up and let me dismiss my class.

*as they're leaving the room*

 **Hermione:** Neville seemed really shaken up about…

 **Harry:** NO! No more tragic backstories. He's had three books to have it revealed, we're not starting now.

 **Moody:** Longbottom? Sorry, I forgot you live with your grandmother because of a truly depressing reason. Come and have a cup of tea with me.

 **Harry:** God damn it.

 **Neville:** Gee, sir, I don't know…

 **Moody:** I wasn't asking *grabs Neville by the elbow* Come on, I hear you're good at Herbology. I'm gonna teach you about a magical herb that muggles use to get high.

 **Neville:** Muggles can fly?

 **Moody:** That's what they think. Come on *roughly drags Neville up the stairs*

 **Ron:** So…should we help him, or…

 **Harry:** Nah.

*later, in the common room*

 **Ron:** So, what are you gonna do for your Divination homework?

 **Harry:** I'm just gonna look up thirty different ways to die and say I die from each of them. She'll believe it no matter what, so I should be good.

 **Ron:** I'm gonna say I score with you every day, so I should be…

 **Harry:** Just…no.

 **Hermione:** Hey guys.

 **Harry:** I assume you're about to talk about house elves, therefore I will tell you that I am currently busy with homework, something that you, as a nerd, can respect and will let me get back to work.

 **Hermione:** Harry, it's only Divination. It doesn't count. Anyway, this about House Elf rights, something that everyone…

 **Harry:** Have you even asked the house elves if they want rights?

 **Hermione:** Of course they do. Everyone wants rights. In fact, I'm already campaigning to have them represented better in the media.

 **Harry:** …you mean like in TV and stuff? Not sure that too many wizards watch muggle TV, or that muggles will care much for…

 **Ron:** I think she's referring to The Happiest House Elf comic strip in the Daily Prophet.

 **Hermione:** Exactly. He's shown enjoying doing household chores. No-one should enjoy that. We need to seriously stop this horrible bias against…

 **Fred:** Can you guys shut up over there?

 **George:** We're trying to blackmail someone.

 **Harry:** That seems a little illegal to be talking about in a public space. Loudly at that.

 **Fred:** Do you see how many people are here right now?

 **George:** And we know you don't care enough to tell on us.

 **Harry:** …good point. Continue.

 **Hermione:** Hey, do you want to join…

 **Fred and George:** Nope *leave*

 **Hermione:** They'll come around. Anyway, you two are now the first official members of S. P. E. W. I'm thinking two Sickles for anyone who wants to join, and they have to wear their badges in support of…

 **Harry:** Hermione, I never thought I'd be asking you of all people this, but did you think any of this through? You want people to PAY for the privilege of wearing a badge that says spew for a cause that the people you're supporting don't care about?

 **Hermione:** Secretary Potter, if I didn't know better I'd think you weren't supportive of this noble cause.

 **Harry:** I really don't though. But since you're just gonna ignore that anyway, I'm just gonna wait and see how this chapter ends *Hedwig flies through the window and drops a letter on Harry's lap* About time you showed up *opens letter*

 **Sirius's letter:** Shit fam, that sounds bad. Be there soon. Also, no I don't care that you haven't told your aunt and uncle I'm innocent. They sound like assholes anyway. P. S., can you please pass this anthrax on to Ron for me.

 **Harry:** *passing Ron a bag* Ron, this is for you.

 **Ron:** Thanks *throws it in the fire*

 **Harry:** Also, Sirius is coming back.

 **Ron and Hermione:** WHAT?!

 **Harry:** Yeah, not the smartest move when you're the most wanted man in the country. Well, good night.


	15. Beautiful Sticks and Sturm und Drang

Chapter 15: Beautiful Sticks and Sturm und Drang

 **Harry:** *writing a letter* "Dear Sirius, why the hell would you think it's a good idea to come back? We still have your wanted posters around the school. Look, I'm sure nothing's wrong with my scar, it hasn't hurt since the night of the dream, so it's probably fine…if you don't count the thing with the Dark Mark, but that's probably a coincidence. Anyway, just keep hidden until we can…I dunno, fake your death or something so people won't suspect you. Sincerely, Harry." Okay Hedwig, take this to Sirius.

 **Hedwig:** *turning away from him* *thoughts* For God's sake, I just got back, now you want me to go out again? You didn't even give me anything for my last trip.

 **Harry:** Fine, I'll give the job to Pigwidgeon. I'm sure he'll be…

 **Hedwig:** *grabbing the letter* *thoughts* Don't you dare, asshole.

 **Harry:** That's what I thought. See you in a few weeks.

 **Hedwig:** *thoughts* Fuck you *flies away*

*a few weeks later, in Defence Against the Dark Arts*

 **Hermione:** I wonder when Sirius is gonna get here.

 **Harry:** Oh, don't worry about that. I wrote him a letter to tell him not to.

 **Hermione:** Harry! You know with forensic evidence and modern science we could prove that…

 **Harry:** That a man who's already been convicted as a murderer is innocent? Will that be before or after the dementors turn him into a vegetable? Because I have a sneaking suspicion it will be after.

 **Hermione:** I'm sure the Ministry will listen…

 **Harry:** They're the goddamn government. They don't listen to shit.

 **Ron:** He's right, you know.

 **Hermione:** Your dad's in the government.

 **Ron:** That's how I know.

 **Moody:** *bursting into the room* Who wants to be cursed?

 **Hermione:** That sounds incredibly illegal.

 **Moody:** Only if you tell your other teachers.

 **Harry:** Not helping your case, but I'm not objecting either.

 **Moody:** Excellent. Now, line up and I'll randomly select one of the Unforgiveable Curses to put on you, and you try and throw it off.

 **Dean:** Didn't you say the killing curse was unblockable, and an instant kill?

 **Moody:** Well, you better just hope you don't get that one then.

 **Neville:** Well, I'm screwed.

 **Seamus:** Nah, instant death would be a mercy. You're more likely to get Cruciatus.

 **Neville:** Oh God…

 **Harry:** Do you think he'll actually kill anyone off?

 **Ron:** Maybe, but I bet he'll just kill off a bunch a characters irrelevant to the story.

 **Fred:** *off in the distance* I'll take that bet.

 **George:** *off in the distance* Shut the fuck up.

 **Moody:** Alright, first victim is *pulls name out of a hat* Fay Dunbar.

 **Harry:** …who?

 **Fay:** Seriously? Check Harry Potter Wiki. I've been here the whole time you ha…

 **Moody:** AVADA KEDAVRA! *green flash, followed by Fay's body falling to the floor*

 **Seamus:** …me next.

 **Dean:** What the fuck is wrong with you man?

 **Seamus:** What are the chances he's gonna pick the killing curse twice in a row?

 **Dean:** One in three. The chance of it getting picked doesn't go down just because it's been picked once.

 **Seamus:** Oh…I'd like to…

 **Moody:** CRUCIO! *spell flies directly into Seamus's dick*

 **Seamus:** …sir, may I go to the Hospital Wing?

 **Moody:** If you can make it there like that, you have earned the right to be treated *Seamus waddles out of the room* Neville Fatass, you're up next.

 **Neville:** It's Longbottom, sir.

 **Moody:** That's what I said. Now, I think I'm gonna use…AVADA KEDA… *Neville faints* Well that's no fun. Potter, let's get to the only character here we actually care about.

 **Ron:** But what about me?

 **Moody:** Watch it, or Trelawney will see flashes of green in your future.

 **Hermione:** Aww, that's adorable. You think she's legit.

 **Moody:** You'd be surprised.

 **Harry:** I swear to God, If she's ever gotten anything right, I'll pretend to care about Hermione's stupid house elf cause.

 **Hermione:** …I'm conflicted right now.

 **Moody:** Now Potter, prepare yourself for…IMPERIO! *magic blasts into Harry*

 **Harry:** Well this isn't so bad. Huh, why do I feel like jumping on the desk? Well, better do it. Wait, that seems like a dumb idea. Probably should have realised this before I was airborne, but whatever *crashes into the desk*

 **Moody:** Huh…you tried to throw off the curse.

 **Harry:** Really? Sounds extremely plot convenient that the first time I get hit with one of the most illegal spells in the world, I'm strong enough to resist it.

 **Moody:** I'm gonna make you do it again, and see if you can actually throw it off completely.

 **Harry:** Please don't. I'm pretty sure both my kneecaps are currently broken. If I could just go to the Hospital Wi…

 **Moody:** IMPERIO!

 **Harry:** Guess we're doing this then.

*during Transfiguration*

 **Hermione:** How are you feeling Harry?

 **Harry:** He made me do things. Thirteen times he did that to me.

 **Hermione:** You gotta admit, he's very persuasive.

 **Ron:** Are you just saying to justify that he had you do a strip tease for the class?

 **Hermione:** Only until MI6 got wind of a dirty old man telling an underage girl to get naked.

 **Harry:** Then he killed them all. We know. Honestly, I'm amazed he hasn't exposed wizards before now.

 **McGonagall:** Will you three get back to turning a hedgehog into a pincushion?

 **Harry:** Do we ever use this shit? Like, ever?

 **McGonagall:** I'm the teacher, and I say work.

*later, in the Entrance Hall*

 **Hermione:** Why are there so many people here?

 **Harry:** Probably something to do with the Triwizard Tournament. But since we can't enter, it won't apply to us, so let's keep moving…

 **Ron:** Don't worry, I can check it.

 **Harry:** No Ron, that's not necessary *gets dragged through the crowd* Okay, guess this is happening.

 **Ron:** Look Harry, the delegations from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang will be here on Friday the 30th of October.

 **Harry:** For fuck's sake, the 30th of October is a SUNDAY! It's like J. K. Rowling doesn't even own a calendar.

 **Hermione:** Well that seems a bit dumb. We'll be leaving class early for their seven pm arrival. Classes end well before then, and even if we need to all help prepare the castle, the hundreds of students here could easily get everything ready in under four hours.

 **Harry:** Hermione, are you really gonna complain about less Potions?

 **Hermione:** …touché.

 **Ernie:** Better tell Cedric that he'll need to sign up soon.

 **Harry:** Oh yeah, he's in this fic. Guess he'll be the Hogwarts champion.

 **Fred:** Not if we have anything to do with it.

 **Harry:** You realise only one of you will get picked right? And that's assuming you can even sign up.

 **George:** That's why we switch which one of us goes in each time.

 **Hermione:** But there's three challenges, and only two of you.

 **Fred:** We're counting on one of us dying in the first two challenges, and the "grieving brother" finishing what his twin started.

 **Harry:** …that is just beyond stupid, even by your standards.

 **Ron:** Yeah, I highly doubt either of you would die while the other lives.

 **George:** Whatever, we've got some extortion to do.

 **Harry:** Who are you blackmailing?

 **Fred:** HARRY! We're not blackmailing anyone, we're extorting someone.

 **George:** The x makes it sound cool.

*morning of the 30th*

 **Harry:** *as the group entered the Great Hall* Huh…does something seem…different?

 **Hermione:** You mean those banners? Banners that would have had to have been put there by unpaid house elves.

 **Ron:** Or magic. Like what we've been taught for the last three and a half books.

 **Harry:** I've been meaning to talk to you about that by the way. Have you actually SPOKE to the house elves about what they want?

 **Hermione:** Of course not. They don't know what they want, and what they need is equal treatment, which is what I'm working to give them.

 **Harry:** Look, could you at least talk to them before we do anything else in the "club"?

 **Ron:** You could find out how brainwashed they are so we know how to proceed better.

 **Hermione:** That's not a bad idea Ron. I better do that *leaves*

 **Harry:** That's…actually not a bad idea by your standards.

 **Ron:** And now that I've helped you get away from her thing for the time being, how about you and me…

 **Harry:** No *owl mail arrives, including Hedwig* Ah, I've got a response.

 **Sirius's latter:** Too late Harry, I'm already here. Don't worry, I avoided the Ministry for months once, I can do it again…as long as you stop sending Hedwig. Sooner or later someone's bound to notice a snowy owl flying around the Scottish countryside, and we can't take the chance that it might be someone smart. See you soon, Sirius. P. S. Please apologise to Ron that I couldn't get him some more anthrax in this letter, and instead accept this container of pure syphilis.

 **Harry:** Ron, this is for you.

 **Ron:** Is it more anthrax?

 **Harry:** No.

 **Ron:** Excellent *drinks entire bottle*

 **Harry:** Wasn't exactly an upgrade though.

 **Ron:** *sees what's in the letter* …oh…I'm going to go see Madame Pomfrey. In the meantime, please resist the urge to sleep with me.

 **Harry:** *sarcastically* Oh, gee, however will I survive?

 **Ron:** I know right? *leaves*

*that night*

 **Harry:** Where the hell are these people?

 **Hermione:** You know they're coming from overseas right? It'll take them a while.

 **Harry:** They said they'd be here by seven. It's now seven o five…and a half.

 **Ron:** You know how unreliable the train can be.

 **Harry:** It's arrived on time every year we've been here.

 **Ron:** What about our second year?

 **Harry:** You know what happened that year.

 **Neville:** Guys, look!

 **Harry:** Nobody cares Neville.

 **Neville:** No, it's one of the schools *points at a horse drawn carriage in the sky*

 **Harry:** How fricken big do they need that thing?

 **McGonagall:** Oh, you'll see *carriage lands, and out steps the Headmistress, standing at about eleven and a half feet*

 **Harry:** …oh…Oh God, did we just introduce a love interest for Hagrid?

 **Dumbledore:** MINERVA! The Amazons are attacking! QUICK! Get the students to form a defensive barrier so I can escape.

 **McGonagall:** Albus, Madame Maxime is here for the Triwizard Tournament.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh…Get the students to form a defensive barr…

 **Maxime:** Albus, I see you are still a…how do you English say…senile old git.

 **Dumbledore:** She's French? That means I'm duty bound as an Englishman to kick her ass.

 **McGonagall:** *heavy sigh* We are honoured to have you, Madame Maxime.

 **Maxime:** Excellent. Now, who shall take care of our horses?

 **McGonagall:** That would be our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Hagrid.

 **Maxime:** And you are sure he will be up to the task? My horses will only drink single malt whiskey.

 **McGonagall:** Umm…he'll have enough.

 **Harry:** Wouldn't bet on it.

 **Neville:** Hey guys, look at the lake.

 **Harry:** Neville, stop trying to be important.

 **Ron:** He's right though *points at a ship rising out of the lake*

 **Harry:** Son of a bitch.

 **Dumbledore:** HOLY SHIT MINERVA! The Amazons brought pirates as backup. RUN! *jumps through a window into the castle*

 **McGonagall:** And somehow, he's the Headmaster here *turning to face the Durmstrang students and teachers* Welcome Igor.

 **Karkaroff:** Ah, hello Minerva. Tell me: is Albus around?

 **Dumbledore:** Tell Jack Sparrow to get lost.

 **Harry:** I thought he was Grindelwald.

 **Ron:** Guys…

 **Harry:** Nobody cares Ron.

 **Ron:** But…Viktor Krum.

 **Harry:** What… *sees Krum among the Durmstrang students* Well, guess we know their representative then.


	16. The Chalice of Flames

Chapter 16: The Chalice of Flames

 **Ron:** Holy shit guys. Guys? Guys! Viktor Krum is here. GUYS! Viktor Krum is…

 **Harry:** We heard you Ron. Maybe you can stalk him for the school year instead of me.

 **Ron:** Don't worry Harry, there's room in my heart for two.

 **Harry:** Is that so? Well, maybe this relationship can't work if that's the way you…

 **Ron:** Okay I choose you Harry.

 **Harry:** SON OF A FUCK!

 **Hermione:** What's the big deal? He's just a sports player.

 **Harry:** Yeah, and so is David Beckham, but guess what? Kieran's cousin David* is still extremely popular with the ladies.

 **Hermione:** Well, I know I'm not interested. Nope, not in the slightest.

 **Harry:** Good. Hopefully this other sub-plot that's about to start will distract you from the one you're currently in.

 **Hermione:** Wait, what other sub-plot?

 **McGonagall:** Alright, everyone into the Great Hall, and we'll begin the welcome feast.

 **Dumbledore:** Don't bring them in here. We didn't beat the French and the Germans in World War II to let them be welcome in our country.

 **Hermione:** I don't even know which inaccuracy to address first.

*in the Great Hall*

 **Ron:** Hey Viktor. VIKTOR! There's a seat over here. VIKTOR! VIKTOR!

 **Harry:** Ron, you do realise there are three hundred other students also yelling the same thing, right?

 **Ron:** Quick, use your influence as main character to bring him over him.

 **Harry:** Why would I do that for you?

 **Ron:** Because you could have prevented THAT from happening *Viktor sits down next to Malfoy, who looks smug*

 **Harry:** Aww, isn't that cute? Malfoy finally has a celebrity best friend. Too bad a muggle-born beat him to that.

 **Draco:** HOW DARE YOU! I'll tell my father that…

 **Hermione:** Oh, shut up ferret boy.

 **Viktor:** *looks at Malfoy, who's suddenly sweating nervously* Ferret boy?

 **Draco:** Err…it's an affectionate nickname? Yeah, that's it, because she loves me so much…

 **Hermione:** That is so not tru…

 **Harry:** Wait a minute Hermione *clears throat, and makes sure everyone in the Hall can hear him* Wait 'til your father hears you said that.

 **Draco:** *between his teeth* I…will…kill…you…Potter.

 **Hermione:** You know what Harry? I like your idea better.

 **Beauxbatons girl:** Excuse me, are you gonna eat zat?

 **Ron:** No, go ahead, you… *sees the girl* Uhh… *heart starts beating out of his chest*

 **Beauxbatons girl:** *ignoring this* Thank you *takes the plate and leaves*

 **Ron:** *heart finally stopping* What the hell was that? I normally only get a boner when looking at Harry.

 **Ginny:** Is that so? *aside* Mental note: there's something about that Beauxbatons girl. Figure it out, and exploit the shit out of it.

 **Dumbledore:** If I may have your attention please, I have a few announcements about our intruders.

 **Hagrid:** *bursting in through the front doors* I'll seh! Who the fock let their winged 'orses drink my focken whiskeh?

 **Maxime:** That would be me.

 **Hagrid:** Oh… *heart starts pounding out of his chest* Well, in that case, 'ave at it.

 **Harry:** You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

 **McFondles:** I heard something about fucking kids?

 **Harry:** And you can fuck off, you pathetic excuse for a running gag *McFondles leaves*

 **Ron:** What does he even teach here?

 **Hermione:** Pedimancy.

 **Dumbledore:** Anyway, I have been informed that they are here to compete in a kind of Olympics of Death, so we, and by that I mean you, will show them how good this school, and by extension me, is by winning this thing.

 **Bagman:** *entering with Barty Crouch Snr.* Don't forget the other two judges of the event.

 **Crouch:** Why the fuck did I agree to this?

 **Bagman:** Oh, come on, what's the worst that could happen?

 **Crouch:** I get stuck talking to you. And since that's already happening, I really wish someone would just kill me.

 **Dumbledore:** I'm sure that could be arranged. But for now, I must introduce the way that students and intruders get signed up for the Triwizard Tournament *waves wand to reveal the Goblet of Fire* Behold, an item that was made for the purposes of this one thing and will never be used again, the Goblet of Fire.

 **McGonagall:** That looks like solid gold.

 **Dumbledore:** It is.

 **McGonagall:** How did you afford…

 **Dumbledore:** Never you mind. On an unrelated note, thanks for taking a HUGE pay cut.

 **McGonagall:** God fucking damn it Albus.

 **Dumbledore:** Anyway, to sign up for the tournament, simply put your name and school on a piece of paper and throw it in the goblet. If you're not seventeen, the fire will simply burn your entry.

 **Fred:** Well that doesn't sound so bad.

 **Dumbledore:** And probably some other stuff that I won't tell you about because it'll amuse me to see you try.

 **George:** Bring it on.

 **Lee:** Damn, white people are idiots.

 **Dean:** I know right?

 **Dumbledore:** You have twenty four hours to enter. And to prove we're serious, you have twelve hours.

 **McGonagall:** No they don't.

 **Dumbledore:** Fine, whatever. But you know everyone knows the names of two of the three champions already, and can probably guess who the other one is.

 **McGonagall:** Alright, that's enough bullshit for one day. Everyone off to bed.

 **Harry:** Good, because this thing that will have no impact on us is taking up too much time in this book.

 **Karkaroff:** You boy. You're Harry Potter, right?

 **Harry:** So what if I am?

 **Karkaroff:** Hmm…Viktor, looks like you're not the only celebrity here. You'll have to try extra hard in the tournament, to prove you are the best celebrity here.

 **Harry:** The last guy to try that lost his memory.

 **Moody:** Hey Karkaroff, back off Potter, or I'll send your ass back to Azkaban. And I'm sure Bowling Ball Bag Bob will be happy that ass is back in there.

 **Hermione:** You were in prison, but they let you become Headmaster of a school?

 **Karkaroff:** Don't worry, it was only a minor offence.

 **Moody:** Minor my ass. You were a…

 **Karkaroff:** Anyway, off to bed *leaves with his students*

*the next day*

 **Ron:** Wonder who's put their names in the Goblet.

 **Third-year blonde Ravenclaw girl:** All the Durmstrang kids, though I think they all wrote Krum's name. Can I be a main character yet?

 **Harry:** Maybe next book.

 **Fred:** Hey guys, we made an aging potion.

 **Hermione:** Do you really think Dumbledore didn't think of that?

 **Harry:** To be fair, I don't think he did.

 **Lee:** I'm just here to laugh at their failure.

 **Harry:** Aren't we all?

 **George:** Here goes *drinks potion, and steps across the age line. Nothing happens*

 **Fred:** HA! Told you it would work *drinks potion and steps over line, ready to put name into the Goblet*

 **Goblet:** BEGONE CHILD! *the floor underneath Fred and George suddenly flings them into a nearby wall*

 **George:** Ow…

 **Harry:** Figured that was coming. Can we have breakfast now?

 **Ron:** What about later?

 **Harry:** I don't know, go to Hagrid's?

 **Hermione:** Great idea, I can ask him to join S. P. E. W. *runs to get her S. P. E. W. stuff*

 **Ron:** So, we're still going to Hagrid's, or…

 **Harry:** If only to warn him Hermione's coming.

 **Angelina:** Hey guys, I signed up for the tournament.

 **Harry:** Great. Watch as Cedric becomes the champion for Hogwarts instead.

 **Angelina:** You don't know that.

 **Harry:** Yes I do. Everyone knows it. And not just because this book is nearly twenty years old.

*later, heading down at Hagrid's*

 **Ron:** So…where do you think the other schools are sleeping?

 **Harry:** Why? So you can sneak into that Beauxbatons girl's room?

 **Ron:** What? No.

 **Harry:** Yeah, I didn't think you'd…

 **Ron:** I wanna sneak into Krum's room.

 **Harry:** Of course you do. Anyway, can't people in this world essentially make their own T. A. R. D. I. S. so that everything is bigger on the inside? Your own dad did it at the World Cup. They're probably sleeping in the cart and the ship they arrived on.

 **Ron:** Oh Harry, that's just ridicu… *sees students from the other schools leaving the ship/cart* …shut up.

 **Harry:** Anyway, here we are at Hagr… *sees Hagrid passed out drunk in his garden, surrounded by the Beauxbatons winged horses, also drunk* Yeah, that seems about right.

 **Hermione:** *running up to them, sees Hagrid* Oh…I'll just pin this on him. I'm sure he was interested in joining anyway *pins S. P. E. W. badge on him*

 **Ron:** How long do you think until he notices?

 **Harry:** Who said he would notice?

*later, at the Halloween feast*

 **Dumbledore:** Alright, time to find out who…

 **Hagrid:** *bursting into the Great Hall, holding the badge* HEY! I mighta bin drunk, but I didn' spew *crushes badge*

 **McGonagall:** Rubeus, are you admitting to being drunk around children?

 **Hagrid:** I ain't ever bin outdrunk by a winged 'orse before, and I ain't startin' now.

 **Manime:** A man after my own heart.

 **Dumbledore:** You won? Excellent. On with the ceremony *Goblet of Fire spits out a piece of paper* Okay, first name is…aww, they're not from Hogwarts *crumples it up and throws it away*

 **McGonagall:** *picking up paper* Viktor Krum from Durmstrang. It's not his handwriting, but it's his name, so come on down *Viktor Krum walks to the front of the Hall and through a side door as the next name comes out*

 **Dumbledore:** *grabbing the piece of paper* Aww, this one isn't Hogwarts either *throws it away*

 **McGonagall:** *reading it* Fleur Delacour from Beauxbatons *the girl from the previous night gets up and goes through door Krum went through as the final name came out of the Goblet*

 **Dumbledore:** Finally, the Hogwarts name *reads who it is* Aww, he's a Hufflepuff student *throws it away*

 **McGonagall:** *reading it* Cedric Diggory from Hogwarts *Cedric gets up and follows the other two*

 **Dumbledore:** Okay, now that we're disappointed with our three champions… *doesn't notice Goblet about to spit out another name*

 **Harry:** Oh no…

 **Dumbledore:** …let's get this feast starte… *sees Goblet spit out another name* …Minerva, am I going dumb, or did the Goblet spit out a fourth name?

 **McGonagall:** Both sir *picks up paper and hands it to him*

 **Harry:** *praying* Please don't be me, please don't be me, please don't be…

 **Dumbledore:** Harry Potter?

 **Harry:** MOTHERFU…

 ***Author's note: So, the reason I'm referring to David Beckham as my cousin is because of a running joke in my family. Basically, my dad's done a lot of genealogy stuff, and found some Beckhams living in England a while back. We joked about how we could be related to David, but then dad did a bit of digging into David's family history and, while he didn't find a direct connection, he traced David's family back to the same area as our Beckhams, in a time where long travel was extremely rare, so there's a not unreasonable chance that we're distantly related. On top of this, I actually put my picture into a thing to find out which celebrity I looked the most like, and guess what the result was? Go on, guess. Anyway, see you guys in the next chapter.**


	17. The Quadwizard Tournament Competitors

Chapter 17: The Quadwizard Tournament Competitors

 **Harry:** …CKER! *sees everyone staring at him* Oh, come on. Like we didn't see this happening the second the cup spat out an extra name.

 **Dumbledore:** Harry, get your ass up here.

 **Harry:** I suppose it doesn't make a difference that I didn't put my name in the cup?

 **Dumbledore:** You did now, and that's all that matters. By the way, you have lovely cursive.

 **Harry:** I don't know how to write in cursive.

 **Dumbledore:** You do now.

 **Harry:** THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!

 **McGonagall:** Look Potter, I believe you didn't put your name in the Goblet, so just come up here and we'll get this straightened out.

 **Harry:** Finally, a rational adult *joins them onstage before heading through the side door*

*in the side room, Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor sitting around a fire*

 **Cedric:** Oh, hey Harry, what are you doing here? Did they give the job of telling us the first challenge to our resident celebrity?

 **Viktor:** Obviously not, otherwise I'd already know it.

 **Fleur:** You're one of ze champions you idiot.

 **Viktor:** NO EXCUSES!

 **Harry:** As for why I'm here…

 **Bagman:** *running downstairs and making a spectacle of his entrance* Can we believe we have FOUR champions?

 **Harry:** …yeah, that.

 **Cedric, Fleur, and Viktor:** …what?

 **McGonagall:** Okay Ludo, we both know that's not official yet.

 **Bagman:** But…but his name came out of the…

 **McGonagall:** Oh, come on, we both know there's something nefarious going on here.

 **Bagman:** …you don't know that.

 **Harry:** It's me. When has something nefarious NOT happened to me?

 **Dumbledore:** So, now that the four champions are gathered…

 **McGonagall:** ALBUS! I already said that we'd…

 **Dumbledore:** Look, I'm glad you lied to him to get him to come up onstage, but…

 **McGonagall:** I didn't lie. I want to work out why the hell Potter's name came out of the Goblet when he obviously didn't put his name in there.

 **Moody:** Obviously a powerful wizard, maybe a follower of Voldemort *distant thunder crack*, jinxed the Goblet, and entered Harry under a fourth school so he'd definitely be picked in hopes that he, as an inexperienced wizard, would be killed.

 **McGonagall:** Hmm…strangely specific, isn't it Moody?

 **Moody:** Well, my job at the Ministry was to think like a Dark Wizard so I could catch them, right?

 **McGonagall:** I suppose it was.

 **Harry:** And therefore I don't have to compete because I obviously didn't put my name in the Goblet.

 **Dumbledore:** Like hell you won't, you're competing.

 **Harry:** What the fuck? You just heard that someone's trying to kill me.

 **Crouch:** There's no pressure for Potter to compete. We decided against putting a binding contract spell on the competing contestants, just in case something like this happened.

 **Dumbledore:** Don't care, he's in.

 **Karkaroff:** Well that's bullshit. If we knew we'd be allowed two champions, I'd have allowed one of my other worthless drones to compete so Viktor would have some backup.

 **Maxime:** I am sure that Fleur wouldn't mind a zecond Beauxbatons student competing either.

 **Dumbledore:** My school, my rules. Potter competes.

 **Harry:** I suppose I could just turn up at all the events and forfeit when they start…

 **Dumbledore:** And risk expulsion? I don't think so.

 **Harry:** Wait, WHAT?!

 **Dumbledore:** Oh yes, didn't you know? Not showing enough school spirit is against the school rules.

 **McGonagall:** Sir, that's not a rule.

 **Dumbledore:** It is now, because it's my school, and I do as I damn well please.

 **Harry:** You are literally the worst person ever. Then again, I shouldn't expect any better from a guy who hired the president of NAMBLA.

 **Dumbledore:** Harry, you know that's not true. Professor McFondles is only the vice president. Bagman, the rules.

 **Ludo:** Absolutely sir *pulls out a piece of parchment* We want to test your daring, so we ain't telling you shit. This will take place on November the 24th, and you will be watched by all the other students, who will be judging you as harshly as possible. And all you get is your wands.

 **McGonagall:** Don't worry Potter, I'll help you prepare for…

 **Dumbledore:** Don't even think about it Minerva. Potter put his name in…

 **Everyone else except Bagman:** NO HE/I DIDN'T!

 **Dumbledore:** …so he has to deal with the consequences. Dumbledore out *apparates out of there*

 **Harry:** Who the hell put him in charge of children?

 **Crouch:** The Ministry thought it was a good idea at the time.

 **Harry:** So did the people who elected Drumpf as a joke.

 **McGonagall:** Okay, I suggest we all go to bed, and try and process what happened today.

 **Harry:** And maybe figure out how to get me out of the tournament.

 **Bagman:** Nope, you're in. Congratulations *leaves*

 **Harry:** Fuck everything.

*heading back to the dormitories*

 **Cedric:** Be honest Harry: did you figure out how to put your name in the Goblet?

 **Harry:** Of course not. Why the hell would I?

 **Cedric:** Don't worry, I'll always believe you about that. You've had enough people try and kill you so far, I figure you're not trying to do something else to put yourself in danger.

 **Harry:** Thank God you're actually a reasonable person. Hopefully nothing bad happens to you in this tournament.

 **Cedric:** Uhh…thanks? Well, I gotta go to my dorm *starts heading towards the basement*

 **Harry:** Really? They put Hufflepuff in the basement? You guys really do suck.

 **Cedric:** Hey, at least it doesn't leak as much as it used to *leaves*

*back at Gryffindor tower*

 **Fat Lady:** Ahh, Harry. Congratulations on…

 **Harry:** Balderdash.

 **Fat Lady:** Hey, I'm just happy someone from Gryffindor got…

 **Harry:** Listen, I didn't want this. I'm pretty sure the person who wanted this wants to kill me. Therefore, just let me in so I can go to bed.

 **Fat Lady:** *sighs* Fine, but I wouldn't be expecting to go to bed if I was you *opens up*

 **Harry:** *entering the hole* Why would you say…

 **Fred:** There he is!

 **George:** Alright people, make a line. Remember, one sickle for an autograph, five to shake his hand, and fifteen to actually speak to him.

 **Harry:** When the hell did you have time to set this up?

 **Fred:** When there's money involved, we find the time.

 **Harry:** …I'm going to bed.

 **George:** Ooh, excellent. Everyone that wants to…

 **Harry:** STOP PIMPING ME OUT!

*in the dormitory*

 **Ron:** Hey.

 **Harry:** Oh, you're here.

 **Ron:** Yeah, and wondering why you didn't tell your best friend how you put your name into the Goblet.

 **Harry:** Ron, we both know I didn't. I am quite possibly in extreme mortal peril.

 **Ron:** How'd you do it?

 **Harry:** You know what? Can't deal with this shit right now. SECURITY! Someone's trying to get in my bed without paying!

 **Fred:** *kicking the door down, wand drawn* HANDS IN THE AIR MOTHERFUCKING!

 **George:** *handcuffing Ron* Trying to rob us hardworking people of their money? Despicable.

 **Harry:** I still didn't agree to any of this, but whatever *goes to bed*


	18. The Balancing of the Batons

Chapter 18: The Balancing of the Batons

 **Harry:** *waking up* Jeez, that was a weird day yesterday.

 **Colin:** What was so weird about it?

 **Harry:** Why the fuck are you in my bed?

 **Colin:** I paid Fred and George two galleons to…

 **Harry:** Son of a bitch.

 **Colin:** So, can I finish what I was…

 **Harry:** Make them give you a refund *shoves Colin out of bed*

*in the Common Room*

 **Hermione:** Harry, how'd you sleep?

 **Harry:** With half the house apparently. You don't believe I entered the tournament, do you?

 **Hermione:** Of course not. Someone obviously tampered with the machine so that it would spit out four names instead of three.

 **Harry:** I mean, it's a magical artefact and not a machine, but at least you believe me. Even Ron hates me.

 **Hermione:** He's jealous that you're being pushed into the spotlight again, while he's still the sidekick.

 **Harry:** Well then he can get himself a series of kid's books named after him if he wants to be a main protagonist. Unfortunately, I'm cursed with this shit for a few more years.

 **Hermione:** Anyway, you should probably tell Sirius that you're competing in the tournament.

 **Harry:** I should. Quick question: what will that accomplish?

 **Hermione:** He's your only good family. He deserves to know.

 **Harry:** No, I get that. But…he's a fugitive. He came back to England because my scar hurt. If I tell him about this, he's probably going to kick the door to the Main Hall down to see me.

 **Hermione:** Do you really think he'd be that reckless? *Harry stares at her* Good point, but you should still tell him.

*in the school owlery*

 **Hedwig:** *thoughts* Ah, master, you want me to deliver a…

 **Harry:** Sorry girl, but people tend to get suspicious when they see a non-native owl flying around. Why they even sell non-native owls in England when they're trying to keep our society secret is beyond me, but still…

 **Hedwig:** *pecks Harry* *thoughts* Screw you too.

 **Harry:** Oh great, you're against me too? This is just fucking terrific.

*in the Great Hall*

 **Fred:** *as Harry enters* There's our champion *entire Gryffindor table cheers, while the others are significantly less impressed*

 **Harry:** Still don't believe me that I didn't enter?

 **George:** Why would we do that?

 **Harry:** I'm an apathetic, sarcastic asshole who hates everything and wants nothing to do with danger. Seriously, surviving a killing curse to the face before I could even talk was enough thanks.

 **Fred:** But now you can get money for being in danger.

 **Harry:** I have money. Lots of it. I could buy the country of Peru if I wanted.

 **George:** You can get famous.

 **Harry:** You're seriously trying to use that argument on me?

 **Fred:** Killing Dark Lords is so last decade.

 **George:** You need something fresh, something exciting.

 **Harry:** That's not how that works.

*in Herbology the next day*

 **Justin:** Hey look Ernie, it's the spotlight stealer.

 **Ernie:** Don't look at him, he might try and make himself more famous off you.

 **Harry:** That doesn't make any fucking sense. How and why would I even do that?

 **Ernie:** No-one knows how you did it, we just know you did it.

 **Justin:** And we know you did it so that Hufflepuff couldn't have the spotlight.

 **Harry:** …Okay, I admit, that's a good motivation. Not that I…

 **Ernie:** SEE?! HE ADMITTED IT!

 **Sprout:** Settle down students, we can gang up on the spotlight stealer later.

 **Harry:** Great, even the teachers are against me now. Other than Snape.

 **Hermione:** We haven't even seen his reaction yet.

 **Harry:** What do you think it will be?

 **Hermione:** …good point.

 **Ron:** Hermione, who are you talking to?

 **Harry:** Oh good, we're doing this now too.

*Care of Magical Creatures*

 **Draco:** Potter…

 **Harry:** Okay, just get whatever snide remarks you want to say out of the way so I can retort with something that makes you go crying to daddy.

 **Draco:** How dare you! I'm gonna… *realises what he's about to say and composes himself* Actually, I was wondering if I could buy some of Granger's badges for that thing no-one cares about.

 **Harry:** *eyes narrowing* I'm gonna hate whatever you're planning, aren't I?

 **Draco:** *mock offended* Why Harry, I've never been so hurt in all my life.

 **Hermione:** Yeah Harry, he obviously wants to join this worthy cause. How many would you like?

 **Draco:** How many have you got?

 **Harry:** Hermione, you do know he used to have a house elf, right?

 **Hermione:** And now he's seen the error of his family's ways and wants to make up for it.

 **Harry:** Whatever. I just want you to know that whatever happens is ENTIRELY your fault.

*a few days later in Potions*

 **Draco:** Check it out Potter *shows him badge saying Support Cedric Diggory - The Real Hogwarts Champion*

 **Harry:** Like I said Hermione, entirely your fault. Though honestly, I was expecting far worse.

 **Draco:** And that's not all it can do. Watch this *changes badge to say Potter Stinks*

 **Harry:** There it is *pulls out wand* Time for a little trick I learned from Tom Riddle *changes it to say Kitten Sports*

 **Draco:** How dare you *changes back to Cedric side*

 **Harry:** Let me just fix that up for you *changes it to say Cruddy Piggies Proctor – Holographes Chairmen Twat*

 **Draco:** *glaring at him* PROFESSOR! Potter ruined my thing.

 **Snape:** That's detention Potter.

 **Harry:** Of course it is.

 **Snape:** And also for Weasley.

 **Ron:** But why?

 **Snape:** Because fuck you, that's why.

 **McFondles:** HEY! No fucking the children. That's my job.

 **Snape:** Get the fuck out of my dungeon.

 **Colin:** Mr. Snape, I've been sent by Mr. Crouch to get Harry for a photoshoot.

 **Snape:** I'm taking fifty point from Gryffindor for calling me Mr. instead of Professor.

 **Harry:** But what you're saying is: I don't have to sit through this class?

 **Snape:** *sigh* I suppose not. I guess I can poison you some other time.

 **Harry:** Why the hell did Dumbledore hire y… *realises what he was saying* Oh, wait.

*upstairs*

 **Colin:** I can't believe that I get to escort the great Harry Potter to his photoshoot for the Triwizard Tournament…

 **Harry:** Hey Colin, are you particularly relevant for the rest of the series?

 **Colin:** Well, no, not particularly, but…

 **Harry:** Excellent *pushes Colin over the railing of the steps, then sees everyone else at the photoshoot watching him do that* Did I just get myself disqualified?

 **Bagman:** Of course not. We didn't even hire him to do that, he just appeared out of nowhere and said he'd go get you. Seriously, I was going to go get you myself.

 **Harry:** Damn it. So, can we just get this over with so I can continue trying to explain that I didn't put my name in the Goblet?

 **Rita:** Oh, Harry darling, there's no need to be so bashful. We all support you.

 **Harry:** Who the fuck are you, and why do my instincts tell me to hate you?

 **Rita:** Rita Skeeter, world's sexiest and best journalist.

 **Cedric:** Don't you write gossip pieces?

 **Rita:** That's because there's nothing more important in journalism than gossip.

 **Harry:** I would have thought being fair and unbiased would have counted more than whether Taylor Swift is dating someone new, but…

 **Rita:** She's dating someone new? You must tell me everything *grabs Harry and drags him to a broom closet* Okay, let me just check my Quick-Quotes Quill. Ahem, Rita Skeeter, aged twenty two, super genius, extremely beautiful, and master reporter *her quill writes down everything she said, and continues writing the whole time*

 **Harry:** Pretty sure you're at least twice as old as that.

 **Rita:** *glaring at him* So, first question is: who is Taylor Swift?

 **Harry:** You're the one who dragged me in here as though you knew who she was.

 **Rita:** Look, I want to get the story on the Internet before anyone else does, I'll figure out the details later.

 **Harry:** Is the Internet even a thing in 1994?

 **Rita:** Is Taylor Swift?

 **Dumbledore:** *opening closet door* HEY! I'm supposed to be the only one in the closet.

 **Harry:** Say WHAT?!

 **Rita:** *Quick-Quotes Quill at the ready and leaning forward in anticipation* Care to elaborate?

 **Dumbledore:** By the way, they want Harry back for the photoshoot, and for an old guy to play with his wand.

 **Harry:** For the love of God rephrase that.

 **Ollivander:** Don't worry Harry, I'm just going to look at your wand and make sure it's developing correctly for a growing boy.

 **Harry:** God damn it stop wording things like that.

 **Ollivander:** Okay, first up is Miss Delacour. I dare say you've handled plenty of wands before.

 **Fleur:** Actually, this is ze only one I've had *hands him her wand*

 **Ollivander:** *taking her wand* Understandable. Play around with the wrong wand at the wrong time and suddenly you can end up with all sorts of nasty things in unfortunate places. Now, let's see…huh, Veela hair. Wasn't expecting that.

 **Fleur:** It waz my grandmother'z hair.

 **Harry:** You're part Veela? That explains why Ron was temporarily not interested in me.

 **Ginny:** *watching from under Harry's Invisibility cloak in a darken corner of the room* So that's it. Okay, time to make sure she stays close to us.

 **Ollivander:** *making a bouquet of flowers come out the end of the wand* Oh, well sometimes they go off like that, especially in the presence of beautiful young women.

 **Harry:** This is gonna be the rest of the chapter, isn't it?

 **Ollivander:** Alright, Mr. Diggory, let's see yours *sees Diggory's wand* Oh my, you polish this often, don't you?

 **Cedric:** Every day sir. Sometimes twice.

 **Ollivander:** Well, be careful with that. You don't want to accidentally make a mess.

 **Cedric:** Don't worry, I cover it with an old sock just in case.

 **Harry:** Do you guys even hear yourselves?

 **Ollivander:** Okay, Mr. Krum, whip it out please *sees Krum's wand* Hmm…not quite as long as Mr. Diggory's, but certainly more girthy. Though I suppose living somewhere so cold is bound to cause some shrinkage.

 **Viktor:** When handling a wand, I want the wood to fill my hand, so as to make sure I have a tight grip.

 **Harry:** Jesus Christ…

 **Ollivander:** And finally, Harry. Though I expect as the youngest you probably haven't worn yours out as much as the older ones.

 **Harry:** Just stop talking *hands him his wand*

 **Ollivander:** Ah, the spitting image of youth and beauty, unblemished and innocent.

 **Harry:** *taking his wand back* Okay, this has gone on long enough.

 **Rita:** Picture time.

 **Harry:** Do I have to?

 **Rita:** Come on Harry, you wouldn't deny a young…

 **Harry:** Middle-aged.

 **Rita:** …woman her request, would you? *realises what he said, and glares at him* Come on, shirts off, let's see those abs.

 **Dumbledore:** Okay, one moment *begins taking off his robe*

 **Rita:** NO! You stay clothed. VERY clothed.

 **Dumbledore:** Then when am I supposed to have naked time?

 **Harry:** There it is, we finally referenced Potter Puppet Pals. Okay, I'm outta here.

 **Rita:** GET BACK HERE! Damn it, little boy. I'll get a picture of you somehow.

*back in the dormitory*

 **Harry:** What else is even in this chapter?

 **Ron:** We're doing our detentions tomorrow night in Snape's dungeon.

 **Harry:** …is that it?

 **Ron:** Oh, and you got a letter *hands him a clearly opened letter*

 **Harry:** I thought tampering with the mail was a banishable offence *reads letter*

 **Letter:** Harry, be alone in the Common Room on the 22nd of November at 1AM so we can talk – Sirius.

 **Harry:** Yeah, because charging straight into the castle last time was such a good idea.


	19. Budapestian Beakwagger

Chapter 19: Budapestian Beakwagger

 **Harry:** So, how do we make sure I'm the only person in the Common Room on the 22nd?

 **Hermione:** Harry, it's at 1AM. Any normal person will already be in bed.

 **Harry:** Right. But if they're not?

 **Hermione:** I dunno, dung bombs?

 **Harry:** Okay, you are pretty much the last person I expected to say that.

 **Hermione:** Well, let's hear your brilliant idea.

 **Harry:** …damn it.

 **Neville:** Hey guys, are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

 **Harry:** No Neville, we definitely weren't talking about sneaking an escaped fugitive who is actually an innocent man into the castle.

 **Neville:** …that's not what I was referring to at all *hands them a copy of Witch Weekly, open on an article about Harry and the Triwizard Tournament*

 **Harry:** *reading through it quickly* Well this is bullshit.

 **Neville:** Yeah, I was getting a little suspicious when she said you cry yourself to sleep about your parents, even though we've slept in the same room for three years and I've heard nothing. I just thought the rest might be true.

 **Harry:** Why would you think that?

 **Neville:** …I mean, it's a celebrity gossip magazine. Why would someone lie in…

 **Harry:** I'm going to stop you right there. I'm going to ask you to rethink every word you just said, and tell me why you would think that.

 **Neville:** Are you saying that gossip magazines are fake journalism?

 **Harry:** Neville, these magazines claim someone's pregnant with photos where their shirt is folded in a way to make them look slightly fatter. Including for men. Anyone who gives much credit to them is a Grade A idiot.

 **Draco:** Cry yourself to sleep lately Potter?

 **Harry:** Wow, did NOT think you would willingly want to fall into the same category as Neville.

 **Draco:** Oh, I don't believe a word of it. I just want stuff to mock you about. Now tell me, is it true you and Granger are an item?

 **Harry:** That is…

 **Hermione:** *quickly covering Harry's mouth* …absolutely true. He's getting laid and you're not. Let that sink in.

 **Draco:** I… *tries to think of a comeback for that*

 **Harry:** Why would you say that?

 **Hermione:** Because Malfoy's reaction is hilarious to me. Plus, it's what J. K. Rowling always wanted.

 **Harry:** But is what she says REALLY canon? Besides, I'm more concerned about that *points at Ron, who heard what she just said*

 **Ron:** You're with her now? Does our time together mean nothing to you?

 **Harry:** No it doesn't. Whatcha gonna do about it?

 **Ron:** FUCK YOU HARRY! *runs away crying*

 **Harry:** I think he means literally, but I can't be sure. Anyway, why does it say we're a couple?

 **Hermione:** It says one of your close friends said it was true.

 **Harry:** But you only said it about ninety seconds ago.

 **Colin:** Hi Harry. Did you like what I said in the article?

 **Harry:** Why are you alive?

 **Hermione:** Thank you for your description Colin, but next time could you ask before you talk about me and Harry's relationship?

 **Harry:** Why are you playing along with this?

 **Hermione:** Because having a celebrity boyfriend will hopefully bring S.P.E.W. membership up. So far I've only managed to bully Neville into joining.

 **Harry:** Yeah, he's kind of a low-hanging fruit though. Besides, you still haven't even talked to the house elves about what they want, so your cause means nothing.

 **Hermione:** Harry, I get the feeling you're not committed to this worthy…

 **Harry:** I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not.

 **Hermione:** Come on Harry, make up with Ron. I can't afford to have members of S.P.E.W. fighting amongst themselves at this crucial formation stage.

 **Harry:** If it gets me out of a group I don't want to be part of, then I don't care.

 **Hermione:** Ugh, you're impossible *storms off*

 **Ginny:** *watching from nearby* Hmm, so they're not as together as that slut's article suggested.

 **A beetle on the wall next to her:** HEY! I take offense to…err, I mean…beetle noises?

 **Ginny:** *grabbing the beetle* Nice try Skeeter, but I knew you were there the whole time.

 **Beetle:** …uh oh…

 **Ginny:** Don't worry, I'm not gonna crush you. Yet. But you are going to work for me in exchange for me not doing that. Doesn't that sound like a good deal?

 **Beetle:** Why do I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter?

 **Ginny:** There's a good beetle *leaves*

*next week, right before a Hogsmeade visit*

 **Harry:** Finally, I get to go to Hogsmeade without sneaking there under the Invisibility Cloak.

 **McGonagall:** You did WHAT?!

 **Harry:** You heard nothing.

 **Hermione:** Okay Harry, we'll meet Ron at the Three Broomsticks…

 **Harry:** No.

 **Hermione:** But…

 **Harry:** I'm finally rid of him. Do NOT ruin this for me.

 **Hermione:** But you're best friends.

 **Harry:** Nope, not making up with him.

 **Hermione:** Fine, we'll just go to the only wizarding village for miles who probably all already know you and that you're a champion and will inevitably gawk all over you.

 **Harry:** …you know what? I might just grab the Invisibility Cloak for old time's sake *leaves to grab it*

 **McGonagall:** Why do we let him keep that thing?

*in Hogsmeade*

 **Hermione:** This is ridiculous. People are looking at me thinking I'm talking to myself.

 **Harry:** Then stop talking loud enough for people to hear you. Clearly that's the problem, not me making things awkward by being under the Cloak.

 **Hermione:** Oh for crying out…hey, there's Ron.

 **Harry:** Don't even think about…

 **Hermione:** RON!

 **Harry:** God damn it.

 **Ron:** Oh, Hermione. Where's your new best friend Harry? Being a traitor?

 **Hermione:** Ron, that's not…

 **Ron:** Meanwhile, I'm hanging out with two people who aren't going to betray me. They're my new best friends.

 **Dean:** We're not gonna betray you because we don't have enough page time to have much in the way of meaningful backstories.

 **Seamus:** Check out my bulge *indicates strangely shaped bulge in his pants*

 **Hermione:** What did you…

 **Dean:** He stuck his dick in a Butterbeer bottle.

 **Seamus:** No regrets. This just means someone has to tug on it until it comes off, and so will I.

 **Ron:** We're on our way to Madame Pomfrey. Hopefully this is just the first of many zany adventures.

 **Dean:** We figure it won't hurt our chances of becoming relevant characters. Anyway, see you later *leaves with the other two*

 **Harry:** Can't believe he thinks hanging out with Seamus is going to bring his status up. The guy only has one gag.

 **Hermione:** What about Dean?

 **Harry:** His gag is being black, and we hardly even bring that up, making his running gag even worse. Anyway, now that Ron's gone, how about that Butterbeer?

*in the Three Broomsticks*

 **Hermione:** Maybe I should try and recruit adults in the village to my cause.

 **Harry:** Hermione, if Greta Thunberg can't convince adults to deal with something that could potentially wipe out humanity, I doubt you're going to have much luck convincing them to help creatures go against their own nature. By the way, have you spoken to the house elves yet?

 **Hermione:** …I mean, it's on my list of things to do…

 **Harry:** You can't expect people to follow a cause that impacts a group you haven't even spoken to about what they want. That should be done somewhere before Step 0 in executing something like this.

 **Hermione:** But how else will they know it's a problem? That why people get Christmas banned in schools with a few Muslim or Jewish students. It's going to offend them anyway, so they might as well pre-empt it.

 **Harry:** How the hell are you one of the smartest students at this school?

 **Moody:** Hello Mr. Potter.

 **Harry:** Oh, hi Professor Moo…wait, I'm under the Invisibility Cloak, right?

 **Moody:** Special eye, Potter. I can see _everything_ *as he said everything, his eye rolled to the back of his head and back to the front*

 **Harry:** Of course you had to make that creepy.

 **Moody:** I was just telling my good friend Hagrid here about your first challenge.

 **Hermione:** You two are friends?

 **Hagrid:** We are noo, since 'e told me what the firs' challenge is. Oh, it's gonna be a good un'.

 **Harry:** Great, what is it?

 **Hagrid:** I can' tell ya tha' *yawns loudly, and slams his hand down on the table, and very obviously leaves a piece of paper there* Well, see yah tonight 'arry *leaves with Moody*

 **Harry:** He realises that most of the pub just saw him do that, right? *reads note* Meet me tonight at my hut, around midnight. And bring the cloak. Don't want anyone figuring out what we're up to.

 **Hermione:** At least he was subtle about giving you the note.

 **Harry:** We have VERY different definitions of subtle. But now I have to meet Hagrid AND Sirius in the same night.

 **Hermione:** Oh, dear, you get to meet with two father figures in one night who want to help you with the thing that's going to kill you.

 **Harry:** You really are no help today, are you?

*that night*

 **Ron:** Where are you going?

 **Harry:** *putting on Invisibility Cloak* Oh, you suddenly care, do you?

 **Ron:** Pfft, no. I'll be the main character with my new best friends any day now, you'll see.

 **Seamus:** Guys, I got my dick stuck on the fireplace.

 **Dean:** Dude, the fucking fire's still lit.

 **Seamus:** But there were two logs stacked to look vaguely like a butt.

 **Dean:** Fucking white people.

 **Ron:** See, we're already on another zany adventure. I'll see you later *leaves with the other two*

 **Harry:** I mean, it's just the same zany adventure as before, but whatever *leaves*

*Hagrid's Hut*

 **Harry:** Hagrid, are you still here?

 **Hagrid:** *opening door, pointing a shotgun* I don't want any.

 **Harry:** Hagrid, it's me. Harry.

 **Hagrid:** 'arry? But you're invisible. Oh no, yeh're not a ghos', are yeh?

 **Harry:** Sure, why not? Now hurry up and show me what you wanted to show me, I have to go meet a serial killer.

 **Hagrid:** Is that who killed yeh?

 **Harry:** Look, whatever advances this plot. For Christ's sake, there's thirty seven chapters in this book, we're in chapter nineteen, and we haven't even got to the first challenge yet. There are some serious pacing issues here.

 **Hagrid:** Alrigh', this way Ghost 'arry *walks straight over to the Beauxbatons carriage*

 **Harry:** I swear to God Hagrid, if you turn this into a date…

 **Hagrid:** Hush Harry *knocks on the door* Oh Madame Maxime?

 **Maxime:** Ah, Monsieur Hagrid. I take it you've already put the winged horses to bed?

 **Hagrid:** A couple mighta taken a crowbar, but yeh, they're all asleep.

 **Harry:** You've gotta be kidding me.

 **Maxime:** What was that?

 **Hagrid:** Jus' the grass. The noisy, noisy grass *kicks Harry in the stomach before heading off with Maxime*

 **Harry:** *wheezing* Asshole *hobbles after them around the side of the castle, until he sees what Hagrid wanted to show him* Oh, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

 **Hagrid:** Beautiful, ain't it?

 **Maxime:** Dragons are truly majestic creatures. It gives me such a *makes a weird noise* warm feeling, if you catch my drift.

 **Hagrid:** Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean *starts kissing her, and they begin removing items of clothing*

 **Harry:** And that's my cue to leave *turns to leave, and crashes into Karkaroff*

 **Karkaroff:** Don't mind me invisible person, I'm just here to cheat for my student. The live porn is a nice touch though.

 **Harry:** What the fuck is wrong with the adults in this series?

*back in the dormitory*

 **Harry:** So, how is Sirius going to get in here anyway?

 **Sirius:** *poking his head out of the fireplace* Right here buddy *sniffs air* Does it smell like jizz here?

 **Harry:** Better not to ask. How are you doing that anyway?

 **Sirius:** I've tied up a muggle family and they're watching me do this.

 **Harry:** DUDE?!

 **Sirius:** I'm kidding, I roofied them.

 **Harry:** Not an improvement.

 **Sirius:** But enough about me, how are you doing?

 **Harry:** Well, I'm being forced to compete in a tournament that's going to kill me, everyone assumes I did it on purpose including Ron, Rita Skeeter is a thot, and the first challenge has something to do with dragons. So, same old same old.

 **Sirius:** Harry, don't give up. You've got Dumbledore to prote…

 **Harry:** He's the one who forced me to compete despite the obvious set-up.

 **Sirius:** …you have Moody there, who's an expert in finding and defeating Dark Wizards. He'll get to the bottom of it.

 **Harry:** He seems a little unhinged.

 **Sirius:** Look, for every fake plot to kill him, he finds ten real ones. It'd drive anyone insane after a while.

 **Harry:** …okay, that's fair. Now, the biggest problem is the dragons.

 **Sirius:** Oh, those are easy. There's a very simple spell that I'm going to tell you that will make that whole ordeal a breeze. You better listen carefully though, because I don't want to repeat it. That spell is simply…

 **Ron:** *from upstairs* Who's that? *starts coming downstairs*

 **Sirius:** You didn't tell Ron you were talking to me?

 **Harry:** He hates me right now, and will probably get you arrested for all the anthrax you sent him. But about that spell…

 **Sirius:** Gotta go *disappears*

 **Harry:** God damn it.

 **Ron:** What are you still doing up?

 **Harry:** Trying to figure out how to survive in a death game, no thanks to you. The real question is: why are you naked?

 **Ron:** It was for our nightly make-up sex sessions until we're friends again.

 **Harry:** See? The fact that I didn't know about them is EXACTLY why we're not friends.

 **Ron:** STOP DENYING OUR LOVE! *runs away crying*

 **Harry:** Fuck my life.


	20. Challenge One

Chapter 20: Challenge One

 **Hermione:** So, what did you learn last night?

 **Harry:** Well, the first challenge involves dragons, Cedric's currently the only champion who doesn't know about them, Karkaroff was a Death Eater which Kieran forgot to include in the previous chapter, and Ron has the worst timing ever.

 **Hermione:** You're facing DRAGONS first?

 **Harry:** Did you not hear the part about Karkaroff being a Death Eater? As in, the followers of the guy who tried to kill me? And is therefore quite possibly the guy who put my name in the Goblet?

 **Hermione:** Oh, come on Harry, what are the chances that the guy who's villainous side is revealed halfway through the book is the actual villain?

 **Harry:** Well, who else is it gonna be? Moody, the dark wizard hunter? That's a stupid idea.

 **Hermione:** Look Harry, whether Karkaroff put your name in the Goblet or not doesn't matter at this point, since knowing that won't get you out of the tournament.

 **Harry:** I would think a confession would maybe help me out a bit, but whatever.

 **Hermione:** So, let's focus on the problem at hand: how do you get past the dragon?

 **Harry:** Well, Sirius was saying there was a simple spell for beating a dragon, but Ron appeared before he could say what it was.

 **Hermione:** Great, a starting point. If it's simple, we should be able to find it in the library.

 **Harry:** You seem to be pretty accepting of the whole dragon thing.

 **Hermione:** You mean the lizards they superglued wings to, and force-fed gasoline and a lighter? I'll be campaigning for them once I'm done with the house-elves.

 **Harry:** I feel like animal cruelty should come before willing volunteers, but whatever.

*in the library*

 **Harry:** Okay, let's see what we've got here…"Dragon Breeding for Pleasure and Profit"…eww, gross, why is this even here? "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" Who would ever be interested in that? "Men Who Loved Dragons Too Much" Jesus Christ, did Charlie write this?

 **Hermione:** If he did, he might have a lawsuit from Gilderoy Lockhart, since it sounds very similar to his book "Dating the…"

 **Harry:** I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW! Let's see what else we have here…scalping? Nah, World Cup's over, so it won't buy the tickets. Pepper breath? Nah, I don't want Digimon in this fanfic. Horn tongue? Why would anyone want that?

 **Hermione:** Viktor Krum?

 **Harry:** Hermione, I don't think I can convince him to be a meat shield for the task.

 **Hermione:** No, he's back *points him out*

 **Harry:** Oh…do you think his band of sluts are coming?

 **Slut 1:** Where did he go?

 **Slut 2:** He went in this weird room.

 **Slut 3:** What's a…lib…rar…ee?

 **Slut 4:** I don't know, but if it means we get to stare at Krum and giggle and gossip as loud as we want, I don't care.

 **Hermione:** …and now I'm torn between leaving to avoid them, and staying and watching Madam Pince skin them alive.

*the next morning*

 **Hermione:** Okay, was not expecting her to actually skin them, much less transfigure that flesh into a handbag.

 **Harry:** On the upside, Madam Pomfrey is getting some practice with reattaching skin before I get mine removed tomorrow *sees Cedric walk past* Hmm…Hermione, should I tell him about the dragons, just so all the champions are on even footing?

 **Hermione:** It would be the morally correct thing to do.

 **Harry:** You're right *aims wand* DIFFINDO! *splits Cedric's bag* That should even things out *runs up to Cedric* Hey buddy, are you okay?

 **Cedric:** Oh, hey Harry. My new backpack just broke. Really weird, since I even enchanted it with anti-ripping charms.

 **Harry:** Uh huh, yeah. Anyway, our first challenge is dragons.

 **Cedric:** …what?

 **Harry:** Look, don't ask why I know, but I do, and so do Fleur and Krum, so I'm just evening up the playing field.

 **Cedric:** Is it cheating to know this information?

 **Voice from outside:** Charlie, what are you doing to the Chinese Fireball?

 **Charlie, also outside:** You know I like my dragons a little exotic *as he finished speaking, a dragon is heard roaring*

 **Harry:** I mean, is there any doubt at this point?

 **Moody:** That was very noble of you Harry.

 **Harry:** How much of that did you hear?

 **Moody:** Only the last few words…

 **Harry:** Then how did you know…

 **Moody:** …luckily I learned to lipread with my special eye.

 **Harry:** …shit.

 **Moody:** Can I speak to you in my office?

 **Harry:** Oh, gee, I'd love to, nut I've got to get to Herb…

 **Moody:** I'll apologise to Professor Sprout for you later *grabs Harry and drags him away*

 **Cedric:** So, uh, can someone help me with my stuff? I need to get to Charms. *no-one responds* Hello?

*Moody's office*

 **Moody:** It was real sneaky of you, destroying Cedric's bag like that.

 **Harry:** …I guess…

 **Moody:** It was a great way to undermine the competition. But then you had to ruin it by telling him about the dragons.

 **Harry:** Just didn't want to be seen being too good, you know?

 **Moody:** Ah, balancing your good and bad karma, eh? I can support that. It keeps Lady Luck from thinking about screwing you over. But laddie, how do you plan on getting past the dragon?

 **Harry:** I don't. The dragon's gonna kill me, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.

 **Moody:** That's not what I want to hear. I need you alive.

 **Harry:** …what?

 **Moody:** Err…what I mean is, how good would it look if I indirectly helped the great Harry Potter survive the Triwizard Tournament?

 **Harry:** Considering that teacher interference is strictly prohibited, not good for you.

 **Moody:** Nonsense, cheating is part of every good competition. Why do you think muggles have performance enhancing drugs?

 **Harry:** They don't exactly approve of them.

 **Moody:** But if I'm vague about the advice I give you, no-one can be any the wiser. So, all you have is your wand. What are you good at?

 **Harry:** You mean, like, with spells? Well, I start off pretty much all the video games with Flipendo, but I'm not sure how that's going to…

 **Moody:** No, no, I mean…

 **Harry:** Then there's the Patronus charm, but that's not going to help either…

 **Moody:** If you would just let me…

 **Harry:** Expelliarmus might be useful, but what exactly would I disarm from the dragon? Unless it just takes the thing apart, which might be against the…

 **Moody:** DAMN IT BOY! What skills do you have outside of spell casting?

 **Harry:** Well, I'm Seeker for the Quidditch team, despite the fact I wear glasses and I need to find a fast-moving golden ball, often on sunny days where it can blend in very easily.

 **Moody:** Exactly. That takes some serious talent boy, and that is how you're going to get through this competition.

 **Harry:** But all I have is my wand, and I'm not allowed to have that during Quidditch…

 **Moody:** Then make yourself not just have that. Do you get me?

 **Harry:** Absolutely.

*later*

 **Harry:** Hermione, I need you to sneak my Firebolt into the challenge arena tomorrow.

 **Hermione:** Pretty sure that's cheating.

 **Harry:** Yeah, and so's all the champions knowing what the challenge is. So, are you gonna do it?

 **Hermione:** You could just learn the Summoning spell Accio.

 **Harry:** I don't know, my way sounds a lot easier.

 **Hermione:** Come on, I'm gonna show you how to make things fly at your head.

 **Harry:** That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

 **Hermione:** So does going up against a dragon, now let's go.

*in an abandoned classroom*

 **Hermione:** Now remember, just yell Accio and the objects should go to you.

 **Harry:** A thought occurs: I'm practicing this so I can get my Firebolt for the challenge, even though it's going to be all the way at the top of Gryffindor Tower. But this practice is just across the length of a classroom. Just getting a broom from the school's lockup is going to be difficult, let alone something at the highest point of the castle. Hell, why do I even need a broom? I've got an Invisibility Cloak which wouldn't be too hard to sneak out of the school, why don't I…

 **Hermione:** Learn to make these things fly to you, or I'll make them fly to you myself.

 **Harry:** Right, right, how hard can it be?

*fourteen hours later*

 **Harry:** Hooray, I got it. And it only took…where's the sun?

 **Hermione:** *waking up* What? Did you actually manage it?

 **Harry:** How long have you been asleep?

 **Hermione:** What time is it?

 **Harry:** Err… *checks watch* 2AM?

 **Hermione:** About four hours then.

 **Harry:** What's more concerning is I'M FIGHTING A GOD DAMN DRAGON IN ELEVEN HOURS AND HAVEN'T SLEPT!

 **Hermione:** Yeah, you should do that *goes back to sleep where she is*

*lunchtime the next day*

 **McGonagall:** Alright Potter, time for the…are you okay? You look tired.

 **Harry:** I was up until 2AM trying to make sure I survive this.

 **McGonagall:** You thought the best way to survive the most dangerous thing you've ever faced was to be sleep deprived?

 **Harry:** It's not my best decision, I'll admit.

 **McGonagall:** Try not to worry too much about it. If you die, I get to tell Professor Dumbledore "I told you so."

 **Harry:** Was kind of hoping for a little more than that.

 **McGonagall:** Like what? You'll be dead.

 **Harry:** Yeah, guess you're right. Hey, if I do die, can you do me a favour?

 **McGonagall:** Okay, what is it?

 **Harry:** Use as much of my money as necessary bribe Fudge into clearing Sirius Black's name.

 **McGonagall:** Umm, Harry? He's a mass murderer that wants to kill you in the name of the Dark Lord.

 **Harry:** He's also my only family, and somehow still a better parent than the Dursleys. Plus, you've already agreed.

 **McGonagall:** I suppose I did. Can I ask why?

 **Harry:** Talk to Hermione, she knows.

 **McGonagall:** Why do I feel like the answer is something that should be more widely known than it is?

*in a tent just outside the arena for the first challenge*

 **Cedric:** Hey Harry, are you ready for today?

 **Harry:** As ready as I can be. I had Trelawney saying I was gonna die today all yesterday, so I'm thinking my survival chance is at about 80%.

 **Cedric:** Yeah, I don't take much notice of what she says either. She told me I'm going to become a blood sucking vampire someday. I mean, can you imagine?

 **Harry:** Trust me, a lot of people can.

 **Krum:** I wonder how long until the boy who lived becomes the boy who's deep-fried.

 **Fleur:** You know he can hear you right?

 **Krum:** Shut up Frenchy. Just have your white flag ready for when you surrender.

 **Bagman:** *bursting into the tent* Hello, champions. I bet you're wondering what you're about to face out there, right?

 **Krum:** It's dra…

 **Harry:** *covering his mouth* …driving us crazy, all the anticipation.

 **Cedric:** It's dragons.

 **Harry:** Damn it man, we're not supposed to know.

 **Cedric:** Oops, sorry.

 **Bagman:** Oh, you saw us leading the dragons to the arena?

 **Harry:** Err…yes, that is exactly it.

 **Cedric:** No we… *Harry covers his mouth*

 **Bagman:** Damn it, I knew we should have brought them over earlier. Oh well, shove your hands into this bag and find out which one you'll be facing *the four champions reach in and grab their respective dragon models* Excellent. Now, the number around their neck is the order you'll go in, so that we go from least dangerous to most.

 **Harry:** *seeing number four around his dragon's neck* I shouldn't be surprised. I really shouldn't.

 **Bagman:** So Cedric, you're up first, then Fleur, then Viktor, and finally, Harry.

 **Krum:** It was nice knowing you Potter.

 **Bagman:** All you have to do is collect the golden egg that these nesting mothers are guarding.

 **Fleur:** You make it sound zo easy.

 **Bagman:** It shouldn't. Dragons are fiercely protective of their young, and will generally stop at nothing to protect them. Honestly, you guys should be terrified right now.

 **Harry:** I've just accepted death at this point. I know I've got three and a half books to go, but it'll be better if I just get eaten and burned right now. Possibly in the order.

 **Bagman:** Well, good luck. You're gonna need it. And some kind of plan *leaves*

 **Fleur:** Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't ze say they made ze challenges easier this time around?

 **Cedric:** I believe they did.

 **Fleur:** Then what ze hell were ze challenges last time if our first one is dragons?

*flashback*

 **Announcer:** Alright champions, your challenge is to run in a straight line…

 **Champion:** That doesn't sound so bad.

 **Announcer:** While all the staff cast the killing curse in your general direction.

 **Champion:** Wait what?

 **Announcer:** Challenge begins now *huge green flash* Ooh…we might be in for a lawsuit or three.

*end flashback*

 **Krum:** Who cares? No-one is going to stop me from crushing you puny humans.

 **Harry:** Do you think you're better than us?

 **Krum:** Do you think I'm not? *a whistle blows* What was that? *the champions go quiet, and after a couple of minutes, it sounds again* What is that abou…

 **Bagman:** *looking through the entrance* Damn it Cedric, I told you, you can start at the sound of a whistle.

 **Harry:** You said no such thing.

 **Bagman:** Oh…well, you just lost points.

 **Harry:** For what?

 **Bagman:** Pointing out judge stupidity. Now hurry up and get out here Cedric *leaves again*

 **Cedric:** Well, wish me luck.

 **Fleur:** Be a good warm up act for me.

 **Krum:** Please die.

 **Harry:** Better you than me.

 **Cedric:** …not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. Well, seeya *leaves*

*later*

 **Harry:** Okay, Krum's out there right now, and from what I can tell none of them have died. I'm up next, and have the most dangerous one to face. Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm… *hears whistle* About to fucking die. Well, here goes nothing *walks outside, and sees the Hungarian Horntail across the arena. Harry approaches it cautiously, holding out his hands to try and ease it* Okay, nice dragon, nice dragon, just let me grab your golden egg and… *dragon immediately throws a jet of flames at him*

*in the stands*

 **Draco:** Yeah, go dragon.

 **Fred:** TAKING ALL BETS! Will Harry survive?

 **Draco:** Isn't Potter your friend?

 **George:** And what kind of friends would we be if we didn't try and profit from his suffering?

 **Draco:** Huh, never thought of it that way. Crabbe, Goyle, pay me to punch you.

 **Crabbe:** Gah?

 **Goyle:** Duh *hands over five galleons*

 **Draco:** Wow, and I was planning to punch you once per knut you paid.

 **Goyle:** Duh?

 **Crabbe:** Gah!

*back in the arena*

 **Harry:** Alright, moment of truth *pulls out his wand* ACCIO FIREBOLT! *nothing happens for a while* Well, shi… *suddenly, his Firebolt comes up behind him, aiming to fly between his legs, but goes a little too high* Why do I feel like I just dropped the soap?

 **Bagman:** An interesting strategy: Harry is using his summoned broomstick as a dildo. Not sure how that's supposed to help him against the dragon, but let's see where he's going with this.

 **Harry:** *mounting his broom* Alright, let's go dragon *takes to the sky* Okay, that should be high enough, now to circle back and… *sees the dragon hasn't left the nest* Oh, COME ON! *flies back down* In the movie you were far more aggressive. You don't want the movie to do something better than the book, do you? Especially that movie.

 **Bagman:** His strategy has changed to taunting the dragon. Can't say it's a particularly smart move, since it's a FUCKING DRAGON, but whatever.

 **Harry:** FLIPENDO! *blasts dragon in the eye with it. Dragon immediately turns its attention to Harry* Yeah, that got your…oh SHIT! *dragon takes off after Harry* FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK… *flies away from the dragon*

 **Bagman:** The dragon is chasing after Harry now. What going to happ…

 **Harry:** *flying through commentator's box* Sorry, coming through, don't mind me, just running for my life.

 **Bagman:** What the… *sees dragon flying straight at him* SON OF A FUCK! *dives out of the way just barely in time as the dragon destroys the commentator's box*

 **Harry:** Okay, should be far enough away now, time to just turn around and grab the egg *circles back, but flies a little too close to the dragon, getting knocked off his broom in the process* Uh oh *lands in the dragons nest next to the golden egg* Well that's not so bad *sees dragon flying straight at him* That's not *grabs egg and starts sprinting away*

 **Bagman:** And Harry has got his egg and passed the first challenge, though for the last minute or so I've been wishing he didn't.

 **Charlie:** Hey Harry, congratula…

 **Harry:** *running past* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT…

 **Charlie:** Hmm…nah, I've got a better idea *slips a couple of pills into a bucket of chicken blood* Oh Mr. Hungarian Horntail…

 **Harry:** *still running* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT *crashes into Ron*

 **Ron:** Oh, hi Harry.

 **Harry:** *noticing who it was for the first time* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!

 **Ron:** Poor guy, he's still scared from the task.

 **Harry:** No, I know exactly who you are.

 **Ron:** Don't worry, I'll help you to bed, and the first aid tent.

 **Harry:** Not in that order, right?

 **Ron:** …maybe…

 **Harry:** *heavy sigh* I suppose this means you no longer hate me then?

 **Ron:** I've never hated you. I will always love you Harry.

 **Harry:** That's what I was afraid of.

 **Dean:** *watching this* Well, there goes our shot at being main characters.

 **Seamus:** Oh well, I guess I'll go back to what I do best *starts walking towards the dragon pen*

 **Dean:** Fucking white people.

 **Harry:** Hey look, my score *Madam Maxime shoots a number 8 into the air from her wand* Probably took off points for falling off the broom and hurting myself *Crouch fires a 9 out of his wand* Again, I got hurt, so… *Dumbledore fires a 10 out of his wand* Of course, because he wants his school to win… *Bagman fires out a 4* Asshole *Karkaroff fires a 9 out of his wand* Wow, that's unexpected from him of all people.

 **Karkaroff:** I just want to clarify, my score comes purely from the fact that you nearly killed Bagman. I would have given you a 10 if you'd been at Durmstrang, or if you'd succeeded.

 **Harry:** I guess nearly killing Bagman was pretty funny.

 **Hermione:** There you guys are. I just had the weirdest meeting with a couple of Durmstrang kids, who for some reason looked about fourteen and had English accents.

 **Harry:** Is that even canon? Whatever, let's go *starts leaving when someone jumps out at them*

 **Rita:** Hey, Harry, do you mind if we have a quick word?

 **Harry:** I'll give you two: fuck off *leaves*

 **Rita:** No, please, you don't understand, I need your he…

 **Ginny:** *appearing from the shadows* What are you doing?

 **Rita:** I'm…uhh…doing as you ask, milady of darkness.

 **Ginny:** Really? Because to me it looks like you're failing *Rita whimpers* But I'm feeling a tad benevolent today, so I'll let you off with a warning. Don't you DARE fail me again *Rita just nods as Ginny disappears back into the shadows*


	21. The Home-Fairy Emancipation Façade

Chapter 21: The Home-Fairy Emancipation Façade

 **Ron:** So Harry, what's been happening while I was hanging out with those losers?

 **Dean:** *from a distance* Hey, you're the one who chose us.

 **Seamus:** Hey Dean, did you know dragon farts burn?

 **Dean:** Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you white people?

 **Harry:** Well, seeing as I'm probably stuck with you again, and that you might be a useful distraction from the next person who wants to kill me, here's the short version: Karkaroff's a former Death Eater, he possibly put my name in the Goblet, I just beat a damn dragon, Sirius is back in the country…

 **Ron:** He's not getting his owl back.

 **Harry:** …and that's about it. By the way, I'm borrowing Pigwidgeon.

 **Ron:** What for?

 **Harry:** I need to let Sirius know I'm still alive, and I can't use Hedwig since she's kind of suspicious here.

 **Ron:** But he gave me it.

 **Harry:** We have different ideas about what 'gave' means. Also, while we were talking, I was actually distracting you so that Hermione could send the message.

 **Hermione:** Okay Harry, letter's sent.

 **Ron:** Fuck you two.

 **Harry:** You've unfortunately accomplished one of those. The fans are still waiting on the other. Come on, I think there's a party for me in the Common Room.

 **Hermione:** Shouldn't you have been the first one there then?

 **Harry:** My party, I show up when I want.

*in the Common Room*

 **Fred:** Hey Harry, congratulations on the win today.

 **George:** Especially since we convinced Malfoy to punch Goyle two thousand, four hundred and sixty five times because of it.

 **Harry:** Do I even want to know?

 **Fred:** Not really.

 **George:** Hey, you want some of the stuff we snatched off Hagrid?

 **Hagrid:** What do yeh me'n snatched? I lugged it up here to make sure you kids drink responsibleh.

 **Fred:** Eh, same difference. Want some?

 **Harry:** This seems VERY illegal.

 **George:** So you don't want some?

 **Harry:** I never said that *takes a glass of whiskey*

 **Seamus:** So, a clue to your next task is in that egg, huh?

 **Harry:** Yep.

 **Seamus:** Have you opened it yet?

 **Harry:** Not yet.

 **Seamus:** Do you want to do it? Like, now-ish?

 **Harry:** You want to stick your dick in it, don't you?

 **Seamus:** Duh.

 **Harry:** Alright, let's see how this goes *opens up the egg, only for a horrifying screech to fill the room, shattering all the glasses* OH GOD! *tries to close the egg, only for Seamus's dick to be in the way* DUDE!

 **Seamus:** Maybe I can pacify it like this.

 **Harry:** No you can't *pushes him out of the way and closes it*

 **Hagrid:** Well, no sense lettin' good booze go tah waste *pulls out straw and starts sucking up all the spilled whiskey*

 **Harry:** So…anyone know what the fuck that was?

 **Ron:** Banshee?

 **Neville:** Siren?

 **Dean:** Susan Boyle?

 **Hermione:** Well, we've got three months to figure it out. I'm sure we can work something out.

 **Harry:** Yeah, great, now we have to wait until that chapter comes out in, like, January or something.

 **Hermione:** Oh well. Hey Fred, how'd you get the food for this party?

 **Harry:** Don't ignore my dilemma.

 **Fred:** Oh, it was easy. We just went to the kitchens and asked the house elves for food for a party.

 **Harry:** Why is he willingly giving this infor… *sees title of the chapter* Oh, you've gotta be kidding me? We're dedicating a whole chapter to this bullshit subplot?

 **Hermione:** And how does one get into the kitchens?

 **George:** Just tickle the pear.

 **Hermione:** …is that a euphemism, or…

 **George:** It can be if you want it to be.

 **Hermione:** I'll take that as a no.

 **Harry:** And as main protagonist, I've decided to skip this scene. Let's see what's next, shall we?

*a month later*

 **Harry:** Holy crap, a timeskip? Why couldn't we do that to get to the first challenge?

 **Hagrid:** 'Coz how else would yeh learn aboot the Blast-Ended Skrewts?

 **Harry:** That is not important to the plot.

 **Rita:** But do you know who is important to the plot?

 **Harry:** Not you. You're just some random slut.

 **Rita:** Aww Harry, don't be like that. I'll let you touch them if you give me what I want.

 **Harry:** You literally just proved my point.

 **Hagrid:** Hey, didn' Dumbledore banned yeh from school grounds?

 **Harry:** Wait, really?

 **Hagrid:** Well, technicaleh it was McGonagall. And it wasn't so much 'banning' as 'if I see yeh again I'll make yehr eyes and ovaries switch places'.

 **Hermione:** That is…quite the image.

 **Harry:** What the hell did she do?

 **Hagrid:** She gave oot special 'favours' tah some of the kids to find out about yeh. But when McGonagall found oot…

 **Rita:** You know, I'm standing right here.

 **Harry:** We know. We don't care.

 **Ron:** She even asked me, but I said no.

 **Rita:** Actually, you said yes if I could make a Polyjuice Potion to make myself look like Harry. Speaking of which… *pulls out a hair*

 **Ron:** Not anymore, bitch. We're friends again.

 **Harry:** This man does not speak for me.

 **Rita:** So, I take it you're not going to tell me what I need? Even though my very life could depend on it?

 **Harry:** I think you mean your livelihood as a gossip writer, and honestly, I'll be happy if you go out of business or get fired anyway, so fuck you *leaves*

 **Hagrid:** Don't worreh, that boy has always bin like that.

 **Rita:** *looks up at Hagrid* Would you say you know him pretty well?

 **Hagrid:** Well, not to brag, but I'm the one that took him from the wreckage of his parent's hoose after the incident, and took 'im shoppin' for 'is school supplies in 'is first year.

 **Rita:** I didn't know You-Know-Who destroyed the Potter's place.

 **Hagrid:** Well…

*flashback*

 **Hagrid:** *riding in on the motorcycle at high speed* Don' worry 'arry, I'mma comin' *smashes through the front of the house, causing a fire to break out* Uh oh…

*back in the present*

 **Hagrid:** Yeah, he was a real monster that one.

 **Rita:** Right…so, what are these…things? They look like they have no mouth and two anuses.

 **Hagrid:** Oh, these little things? They're me Blast-Ended Skrewts.

 **Rita:** Hmm…you know, the Daily Prophet has a column each week about weird creatures. I could interview you about these…things, maybe talk a bit about Harry?

 **Hagrid:** And why should I do that?

 **Rita:** Drinks are on me.

 **Hagrid:** You got yourself a deal.

 **Harry:** *halfway back to the castle* Why do I feel like something bad just happened?

*that night*

 **Ron:** Where's Hermione? She wasn't at dinner.

 **Harry:** Judging by the title of the chapter, and the fact that it hasn't happened yet, I have a suspicion. Let's get back to the Common Room before she…

 **Hermione:** Hey you guys.

 **Harry:** RUN!

 **Hermione:** *grabbing the two of them by the collar* Come on, I've got something to show you.

 **Harry:** NO! I don't want to be part of this subplot.

 **Hermione:** Well, too bad *drags them away*

*at the kitchens*

 **Hermione:** Okay, all I have to do is tickle the pear…

 **Ron:** NO-ONE TICKLES HARRY'S PAIR BUT ME!

 **Harry:** Wrong type of pear, and please stop doing that.

 **Hermione:** …and *tickles pear in a portrait, opening a door* Here we go *drags the two of them in* See Harry, I am taking my cause seriously.

 **Harry:** And it's about time.

 **Dobby:** Harry Potter?

 **Harry:** What the hell? Why are you here?

 **Dobby:** Dobby was getting bored of selling his butt to random wizards in Diagon Alley. Especially since some of them offered to pay him.

 **Harry:** Oh, really? You mean you weren't even INTERESTED in making a living wage to support yourself, preferring to be abused and neglected and live in poverty?

 **Dobby:** Indeed Mr. Harry Potter. Dobby loves the pain of it.

 **Harry:** Hermione, did you hear…Hermione? *sees her talking to another familiar house elf* Is that Winky?

 **Dobby:** Yes sir. Dobby and Winky were fellow elf sluts in Diagon Alley, until we decided we wanted to be somewhere warmer for winter, and so that Dobby could repay Harry Potter for his kindness in freeing him from the Malfoys.

 **Harry:** And knowing that I'd be here, you never once came up to say hi?

 **Dobby:** Dobby got here the day Harry Potter was to fight the dragon, so I assumed you'd be killed anyway. Also, Professor Dumbledore said that 'slaves should be neither seen nor heard and just get back to work'. Then he started talking about the good old days when they could use ni…

 **Harry:** Dobby, you're not black enough to use that word.

 **Hermione:** Well, that settles it. We need to make sure these poor guys get paid for their work.

 **Dobby:** Hermione Granger, as I was telling Harry Potter just now, I don't want a…

 **Hermione:** Hush, poor misshapen man. I will fight for your rights *leaves*

 **Harry:** What did you talk to her about?

 **Winky:** I just told her that I liked my job, and that I didn't mind that I wasn't getting paid since it was better than prostitution, and that it was curing my depression brought on by being fired by Mr. Crouch.

 **Harry:** Well, Hermione's fucking deluded then.

 **Ron:** Was there any point to me coming down here?

 **Harry:** Wanna help me take some food for later?

 **Ron:** *his pockets already bulging with pastries* Hell yeah.


	22. The Surprise Challenge

Chapter 22: The Surprise Challenge

 **McGonagall:** Potter, Weasley, why aren't you paying attention?

 **Ron:** We finished everything, so we're goofing off. That's how it works, right?

 **Harry:** His words, not mine. Don't punish me for his idiocy.

 **McGonagall:** Don't worry Potter, I won't be punishing you. You'll have to suffer soon enough anyway.

 **Harry:** I already have to sit next to Ron. What more can you do to me?

 **McGonagall:** This Christmas, we will be holding a traditional part of the Triwizard Tournament: The Yule Ball.

 **Harry:** Pass.

 **McGonagall:** You know that suffering I just mentioned?

 **Harry:** Fine, I'll come in halfway through, pretend to dance, and leave.

 **McGonagall:** Did you really think it was going to be that easy?

 **Harry:** Can't it be? Just once, that's all I ask.

 **McGonagall:** The champions have to start the ball off with a dance…

 **Harry:** Well, I already moonwalked once in this fanfic.

 **McGonagall:** …with a partner.

 **Harry:** Do we still have that dragon lying around somewhere?

 **Seamus:** HEY! She is spoken for.

 **Charlie:** *poking his head in the door* Yeah, by me.

 **Seamus:** Fuck you Weasley, she's my woman.

 **Charlie:** Oh yeah? Bring it on kid *Seamus charges at Charlie, throwing him out of the classroom*

 **Dean:** They do know the dragons were shipped off the day after the challenge, right?

 **McGonagall:** Charlie should at the very least. He's one of the ones that removed the dragons.

 **Harry:** And by removed…

 **McGonagall:** Yes Harry, we know damn well what he did. Anyway, go get a date, or you're expelled.

 **Harry:** I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SIGN UP FOR THIS BULLSHIT! How is this even the least bit fair?

 **McGonagall:** You want unfair? Do you think I wanted to leave the man I intended to marry because I'd lose my prestigious ministry job?

 **Harry:** …what?

 **McGonagall:** Everyone has a backstory Potter. If you weren't such an arrogant, apathetic asshole, maybe you'd actually realise it. Now, get yourself a date, something that shouldn't be too hard for someone who's just beaten a dragon and is famous for destroying the freaking Dark Lord.

 **Harry:** …wow, that was…harsh.

 **McGonagall:** Yeah? You gonna do anything about it?

 **Harry:** Fuck no *leaves*

*the next day, in the castle*

 **Hermione:** So Harry, who are you taking to the Yule Ball?

 **Harry:** You seem to be under the impression that I'm going to go.

 **Ron:** It's okay Harry, you can ask me. No-one's going to mind.

 **Harry:** I'm not going to do that, because…er…

 **Hermione:** It's traditional to go with someone of the opposite sex?

 **Harry:** Yeah, that'll do.

 **Ron:** Oh. Well, in that case, wanna go with me Hermione?

 **Hermione:** No.

 **Ron:** Oh, come on. You're…moderately attractive.

 **Hermione:** What did you say?

 **Ron:** I'm just saying, you're not entirely ugly, so I thought… *gets slapped by Hermione so hard that Hagrid thought he heard something in his hut*

 **Harry:** I don't think you thought anything. But anyway, you turned him down because…

 **Hermione:** I'm already going with someone.

 **Harry:** Wait, what? When did that happen? It wasn't me making a lapse in judgment was it? *sees Hermione raising her hand* I meant as though I said yes when I don't even want to go.

 **Hermione:** *lowers her hand* Damn right that's what you meant. And no, it isn't you.

 **Harry:** Okay then. Congratulations, I wish you and him the best.

 **Hermione:** You're not even going to ask who it is?

 **Harry:** I really don't care. There's no-one at this school I'd care to… *sees Cho walk past* Err…what was I saying?

 **Hermione:** You were about to disappoint a legion of girls about to ask you out *points out a bunch of girls waiting nearby*

 **Harry:** Oh yeah *addressing the girls looking at him* Ladies, I've already got a date *girls look disappointed*

 **Hermione:** No you don't *girls look interested again*

 **Harry:** I mean I know who I'm going to ask *girls swarm around him* AND IT'S NONE OF YOU!

 **Girl:** Aww, come on. Why not?

 **Harry:** Because I haven't even met most of you.

 **Blonde haired Ravenclaw that keeps appearing:** You'll meet me next year.

 **Harry:** Look, just because you're the best character in this franchise doesn't mean you get to appear early.

 **Tall, fat girl:** Take me, or I'll eat you.

 **Harry:** I took on a dragon last month. Do you really think I'm scared of… *sees girl unhinge her jaw like a snake* …and now I leave *runs like hell, girls running after him* ACCIO INVISIBILITY CLOAK! *manages to outrun girls until it comes to him, then hides until they go away, and pulls off the cloak* Damn, girls are going crazy over this bullshit.

 **Cho:** Hi Harry.

 **Harry:** And of course I say that now.

 **Cho:** Say what Harry?

 **Harry:** Oh good, you didn't hear it.

 **Cho:** Uh huh…you're weird. Well, see you around.

 **Harry:** No, wait Cho *Cho turns around* So, uh, you know, there's this dance thing coming up, and…uh…well, apparently Dumbledore's going to expel me if I don't at least pretend to care…

 **Cho:** Oh no, that's terrible.

 **Harry:** I know, right? So uh, I don't know, did you want to…uh…you know…

 **Cho:** Know what?

 **Harry:** Oh, come on, surely you can figure out where this line of dialogue is going.

 **Cho:** I haven't the slightest idea Harry.

 **Harry:** *muttering under his breath* Son of a bitch *out loud* Would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me?

 **Cho:** Oh, that's what you want.

 **Harry:** Is that a yes?

 **Cho:** No.

 **Harry:** Oh, you're still deciding?

 **Cho:** No, as in I'm already going with Cedric.

 **Harry:** You couldn't just say that from the start?

 **Cho:** It was more fun to watch you suffer. Well, seeya *leaves*

 **Harry:** Fuck this whole situation.

*back in the Common Room*

 **Harry:** *seeing Ron being comforted by Ginny* What happened to him?

 **Ginny:** He tried to ask out Fleur Delacour.

 **Harry:** I take it that didn't go so well for him?

 **Ginny:** She claimed that she thought he was asking her to give him a matching handprint on his other cheek. All in perfect English, mind you.

 **Harry:** Sounds about right. Hey, I'm surprised you haven't asked me yet.

 **Ginny:** That's because I'm going with Neville. That's right, Neville. Doesn't that make you so jealous?

 **Harry:** Not really.

 **Ginny:** Yeah, I thought it…wait, what?

 **Harry:** It's none of my business who you go with.

 **Ginny:** Oh really? *gets up and starts leaving* Oh Neville…

 **Fred:** Hey Ron, I know it's a bad time, but can we borrow Pigwidgeon?

 **Ron:** He's currently delivering a letter to Si…

 **Harry:** …some real pieces of shit. My aunt and uncle. Because I'm trying to upset them that not even a dragon can kill me.

 **George:** Okay, well, when he gets back, can we borrow him? We're sending someone that anthrax that someone keeps sending you. That's okay right?

 **Ron:** Whatever. Everything sucks. I can't get a date for the Ball, because it's impossible to ask a girl anything.

 **Fred:** No it's not. I'm going with Angelina from the Quidditch team.

 **Harry:** What, really?

 **Fred:** Wait, hold on a sec *calls out to Angelina across the room* Hey Angelina, wanna go to the Ball with me?

 **Angelina:** Sure, why not?

 **Fred:** See, that easy.

 **Parvati:** Hey Harry, you got a date yet?

 **Harry:** Two questions: are you asking me? And have we ever spoken more than three words to each other?

 **Parvati:** Yes to the first question, no to the second. So are we going together or not?

 **Harry:** Look, whatever it takes to get this bullshit of a festivity out of the way *sees Ron moping still* I don't suppose Lavender would go with Ron, would she?

 **Lavender:** Eww, why would I ever go with someone like that?

 **Harry:** Yeah, I suppose pairing you two would be weird. So, who are you going with?

 **Lavender:** Seamus.

 **Harry:** Wow, can't believe Ron's sunk so low on the list that Seamus is beating him. So, do either of you know someone he can take? For some reason I actually feel sympathy for him.

 **Parvati:** How about my twin sister?

 **Harry:** You have a twin sister?

 **Parvati:** Yeah, Padma.

 **Harry:** Your twin sister is Princess Amidala? *gets confused stares from the girls* Oh, right, muggle reference. Yeah, ask her. It can't hurt his pride any more than it already has been *turning back to Ron* Hey Ron…

*meanwhile, in another room*

 **Ginny:** *pushing Neville against a wall* He's not jealous. He doesn't even seem to care.

 **Neville:** Wha…what do you think I can do about…

 **Ginny:** Force him to see how jealous he should be. The Yule Ball is going to be a magical evening, or else YOU'LL have no BALLs *Neville whimpers*


	23. The Christmas Dance

Chapter 23: The Christmas Dance

 **Fred:** Step right up and get your Canary Creams. Just seven sickles.

 **Harry:** These don't have actually canaries in them do they?

 **George:** No, of course not.

 **Neville:** Yeah Harry, that's just stupid. They're called that because they're yellow like a canary *buys several Canary Creams and starts eating one*

 **Fred:** Actually, we call them that because… *Neville is suddenly covered in feathers*

 **George:** That happens.

 **Harry:** Honestly Neville, I'd have thought even you would have figured out not to buy anything made by those two by now.

 **Neville:** *suddenly moulting* But they looked so tasty.

 **Harry:** Said every kid ever lured into the back of a windowless van.

 **George:** We really need to make a version of this that doesn't leave the victim naked.

 **Harry:** Actually, Neville just forgot to wear clothes today. Speaking of which, where's that Remembrall that you're supposed to use to remember stuff?

 **Neville:** I can't remember.

 **Harry:** Seems about right.

 **Ron:** Harry, Hermione won't tell me who she's going to the ball with.

 **Hermione:** I don't feel like it's any of your business who I'm going with.

 **Ron:** Come on, I told you who I'm going with.

 **Hermione:** I know, Padma Patil, who's going with you purely because she hasn't had a better offer.

 **Harry:** Really, any offer would be better than what she's ended up with.

 **Ron:** I know, the Patil girls must be disappointed that we're their only choices.

 **Harry:** HEY! At least I've done something with my life. What have you accomplished?

 **Ron:** I've been best friends with you.

 **Harry:** Very liberal use of the word 'friend' there.

 **Hermione:** Besides, Harry would fully support whoever I go to the ball with, won't you Harry?

 **Harry:** I really don't care.

 **Hermione:** Close enough.

 **Ron:** Ten sickles says it's Malfoy.

 **Fred:** I'll take that bet.

 **George:** I reckon it's Viktor Krum.

 **Fred:** Pfft, as if.

 **Draco:** Yeah, as if anyone would take Granger to the Ball.

 **Hermione:** Does anyone remember that spell Moody used to turn Malfoy into a ferret?

 **Moody:** I can teach it to you if you want. Just don't tell McGonagall I taught you it.

 **Draco:** Uhhhhhh…MUDBLOOD *runs away before anyone can retaliate*

 **Moody:** Well, guess I'm hosting another game of ferret tennis if anyone's interested *follows Draco*

 **Harry:** This should be… *Pigwidgeon flies in at that moment, skidding across the floor past Harry and Ron* Wow, Sirius actually sent him back *grabs the letter*

 **Sirius's letter:** Dear Harry, good work on kicking that dragon's ass. Unfortunately, you have two more tasks, and if dragons were only the least dangerous…well, it was nice knowing you. Keep an eye on Karkaroff, and try not to die. PS, since the anthrax wasn't working, I covered Pigwidgeon in Ebola. Hope Ron likes it.

 **Ron:** *rubbing Pigwidgeon's face against his* Say WHAT?!

 **Harry:** Great, we're no closer to solving the mystery. Well, might as well get to the point of this chapter.

*Christmas Day*

 **Harry:** Okay, let's see what today's gonna… *sees Dobby standing over him* WHAT THE FUCK?!

 **Dobby:** Good morning to you too, Harry Potter.

 **Harry:** Why were you watching me sleep?

 **Dobby:** Cedric Diggory said girls like it when you do that.

 **Harry:** First, I'm not a girl. Second, Cedric isn't even that character yet. Third, eww.

 **Dobby:** Dobby also brought Harry Potter a present.

 **Harry:** If it's your dick in a box, Ron already gave me that. Several times.

 **Ron:** Guess what your present is this year Harry.

 **Harry:** Is it your dick?

 **Ron:** No, it's some dungbombs.

 **Harry:** Oh, uh…thanks?

 **Ron:** AND my dick.

 **Harry:** GOD DAMN IT.

 **Dobby:** And from me sir, you get these *hands Harry a pair of mismatched socks*

 **Harry:** *sarcastically* Gee, thanks Dobby.

 **Dobby:** And what did Harry Potter get Dobby?

 **Harry:** You're assuming I got you anything *Dobby continues staring at him hopefully* You know what? Fuck it *opens his trunk and grabs a pair of old socks*

 **Dobby:** Does Harry Potter really think I'd be satisfied with a pair of old socks?

 **Harry:** Well, I…

 **Dobby:** I LOVE IT!

 **Harry:** Good to see you're happy with them. Now, off to give everyone else their presents. Not that I was ever shown to buy these things.

*later*

 **Harry:** Or we'll just skip that and go to the ball itself.

 **Dean:** How exactly did you two get dates?

 **Harry:** The plot demanded it. So, who are you going with?

 **Dean:** No-one yet. But I'm one of the only black guys in a mostly white continent, my natural exoticness will attract someone.

 **Seamus:** Good luck with that. Meanwhile, I've actually got a date. And you know what happens after big festivities like this, right?

 **Dean:** Dude, how have you got anything left there at this point?

 **Seamus:** That's my secret. There's either nothing left, or it's incredibly hard. Also it's difficult to destroy, OH!

 **Ron:** Neville's awfully quiet.

 **Neville:** Your sister scares me.

 **Ron:** Hey man, it's okay to be nervous before a big date. Just relax and you'll be fine.

 **Neville:** That's not what I…

 **Seamus:** Alright gentlemen, go forth and conquer *the others leave*

 **Neville:** *looking down at his crotch* Well, it was nice knowing you boys.

*at the Ball*

 **McGonagall:** Ah, Potter, good to see you actually decided to participate in the ceremony.

 **Harry:** Like I had a fucking choice.

 **McGonagall:** Yes, well, you and Miss Patil just wait over there with the other champions *points to where two of the other champions are already waiting*

 **Cho:** Hi Harry, sorry I couldn't go to this with you.

 **Cedric:** He asked you?

 **Cho:** Yeah, but it's no big…

 **Cedric:** Dude, I'm sorry. If I'd known you were going to ask Cho, I'd have…

 **Harry:** Look, it's fine. I…

 **Cedric:** No, it's not fine. I'll find a way to make it up to you, I promise.

 **Fleur:** Hey, it'z Viktor. But who iz zat girl wit' him?

 **Harry:** Can't say I know her, but then again I don't know everyone at this schooHOLY CRAP THAT'S HERMIONE! *George indicates to Fred to pay up*

 **Hermione:** Hi Harry, fancy meeting you here.

 **Harry:** I'm one of the champions! Of course I was going to be here.

 **Hermione:** You don't think I'm a traitor or anything for going with Viktor do you?

 **Harry:** I don't, but that'll be the first words out of Ron's mouth when he finds out.

 **George:** I'll take that bet.

 **Fred:** Pfft, that'll never happen.

 **McGonagall:** Get the fuck out of here you two. Champions only.

 **Fred:** We're just here to mock Harry for screwing up the dance moves.

 **George:** You know he will.

 **McGonagall:** Yes, I know, but you'll have plenty of time to do that once we actually start the Ball.

 **Harry:** Fuck all of you.

*sitting at the table waiting for dinner*

 **Percy:** Hi Harry.

 **Harry:** Oh, you're here, are you?

 **Percy:** Yeah, Mr. Crouch was feeling sick, so he sent me in his place. Plus, I get to announce the Cauldron Exhibi…

 **Snape:** Mr. Weasley, I can assure you, as Potions Master at this school, not even I give a shit about that. I am, however, fascinated to see if Mr. Potter can survive being murdered in one of the challenges.

 **Harry:** Of course you are.

 **Snape:** In fact, if you do survive, I will doing something that I've never done before: awarding a house point to a house that isn't my own.

 **Harry:** Wow, one house point. I'm sure Gryffindor will really appreciate that.

 **Snape:** Of course it's only one. I don't want to get carried away. And also, I'll be awarding it to Ravenclaw, for no other reason than spite.

 **Harry:** That'd be right.

 **Dumbledore:** Ahem *tapping his wand to his plate* Pork chops *pork chops appear on his plate*

 **Harry:** How the hell did the house elves know to prepare that in such a small period of time? And how bizarre can the meals get?

 **Parvati:** You're not gonna test it, are you?

 **Harry:** I've gotta, don't I? *tapping his wand against his plate* Umm…Fools Gold Loaf *the sandwich appears on his plate* I can't believe that actually worked.

 **Parvati:** Great, now everyone's ordering weird shit *indicates the entire Great Hall with weird dishes*

 **Harry:** *seeing a pair of woman's legs on Seamus's plate* Did he just order to eat out… *sees Seamus put his face between her legs* …yep. That's definitely not something I needed to see today.

 **Hermione:** Harry, I'm extremely disappointed in you. Just imagine how hard those house elves must be working in order to fill these orders.

 **Harry:** They're doing it extremely quickly though, so it can't be that bad.

 **Hermione:** Dumbledore just sent his plate back because it didn't have enough jellybeans in it.

 **Harry:** Sounds about right.

 **McGonagall:** Alright everyone, I'd like to introduce tonight's entertainment, the Weird Sisters.

 **Harry:** Isn't that a Discworld book?

 **Parvati:** Harry, that's our cue to dance.

 **Harry:** If you can call what I do dancing. But now, we're gonna see Kieran attempt to describe a dance scene.

*why the fuck would I do that?*

 **Harry:** Or skip right over it. To be fair though, that was probably for the best.

 **Ron:** But now people won't hear about how you tripped up Roger Davies, causing Fleur to be thrown into Cedric's back so he fell on top of Cho and tripped up Krum.

 **Harry:** He started it. Though it's weird that they haven't moved his body yet.

 **Parvati:** Come on Harry, we only had one dance. Surely you can't screw up that badly again.

 **Harry:** I beg to differ.

 **Parvati:** Ugh, you are the WORST! Come on Padma, let's find someone who'll appreciate us.

 **Dean:** *sliding in* Hello ladies.

 **Padma:** You'll do *lead him onto the dancefloor, Dean winking at Harry and Ron as he went*

 **Harry:** Well, that's that problem out of the way.

 **Hermione:** Hey guys, where are your…

 **Ron:** TRAITOR! *Fred glares at him from across the dancefloor*

 **Hermione:** Ron, Harry has already said he doesn't care who I go out with.

 **Ron:** Krum's the enemy. Harry's just being too polite to tell you how offended he is.

 **Harry:** First, didn't you get super excited when Krum first came here? Second, no, I really, REALLY don't care who anyone goes with. Hell, I can see Dean leaving with BOTH our dates right now.

 **Ron:** Well…he's still an asshole because he's against Harry.

 **Krum:** *standing behind Ron* That better be about Cedric.

 **Ron:** Err…Harry, let's go for a walk in the grounds.

 **Harry:** I didn't agree to… *gets taken outside*

*outside*

 **Harry:** Why are we even out here? There's nothing plot worthy out here.

 **Ron:** Look, it's Hagrid and Madame Maxime.

 **Harry:** Oh Christ, I'm still horrified by the last time I saw those two together. Let's go before they…

 **Hagrid:** *oblivious to the other two* So, which of yehr parents is the giant?

 **Maxime:** How dare you?! *slaps him and leaves*

 **Harry:** That didn't go the way I thought it would. But at least we didn't see them fu… *Dean, Parvati, and Padma fall out of one of the bushes in various stages of undress* …cking bullshit.

 **Dean:** You snooze you lose, Harry.

 **Harry:** Fuck this, I'm going back inside.

 **Ron:** Harry, are you not worried about the news that Hagrid's a half giant?

 **Harry:** I've literally never been less shocked by something in my life. Now, is there anything left in this chapter that's plot relevant?

 **Ron:** Looks like Fred and George are talking to Bagman.

 **Harry:** Nothing then. Good, I'm going to bed *heads back inside, but is stopped in the Entrance Hall*

 **Cedric:** Hey Harry, do you have a moment?

 **Harry:** I don't think I have a choice in the matter.

 **Cedric:** Listen, about that favour I owe you…

 **Harry:** You don't owe me anything.

 **Cedric:** I can help you with the egg. Since you warned me about the dragon, I figure fair's fair, you know? Just take it to the prefect's bathroom and take a bath. The password's 'pine fresh'.

 **Harry:** You know what? Thanks. You're a good guy Cedric. I hope nothing bad happens to you in this book.

 **Cedric:** Pfft, like that'll ever happen.

*meanwhile*

 **Ginny:** *holding out her wand* Harry didn't even look at me. Say goodbye to them *Neville cowers in a corner as the scene fades to black*


	24. Bitch 'Reporter's Exclusive

Chapter 24: Bitch 'Reporter's Exclusive

 **Hermione:** So Harry, have you figured out the egg yet?

 **Harry:** Uhh…totally.

 **Hermione:** *stern, mother-like voice* Harry…

 **Harry:** I mean, I've had a hot tip about what it is.

 **Hermione:** Great. Go pursue it and figure it out. What was it anyway?

 **Harry:** Cedric said to take a bath with it…

 **Ron:** What's this about naked Harry?

 **Harry:** I didn't even say naked.

 **Ron:** I heard you say you were taking a bath, which is close enough. Which brings me to my next question: can I come?

 **Hermione:** Ron, this is purely about Harry figuring out his egg, not about him taking a bath.

 **Ron:** Exactly, we're just trying to support him. And the best way to support him is to…

 **Harry:** NO!

 **Ron:** …I was going to say hand job.

 **Harry:** That's it, I'm going to Care of Magical Creatures *leaves*

 **Ron:** Don't we have Herbology first?

 **Harry:** *from far away* As if a plant is going to help me with the next challenge.

*at Care of Magical Creatures*

 **Grubbly-Plank:** Hello students, welcome to Care of Magical Creatures.

 **Harry:** Who the fuck are you?

 **Grubbly-Plank:** *squints eyes* In my class, naughty little boys don't speak unless spoken to first.

 **Harry:** I asked a perfectly reasonable question…except for the fuck part.

 **Hermione:** Excuse me miss, but who are you and where is Hagrid?

 **Grubbly-Plank:** Ah, an excellent question young lady. You see, we've…misplaced Hagrid, so I'm filling in until he comes back.

 **Ron:** How do you misplace him? He's the size of a bus.

 **Harry:** He's probably just passed out drunk in his cottage. Let him sleep off the hangover and he'll be fine.

 **Draco:** Is that really what you think, Potter?

 **Grubbly-Plank:** *casts a spell at Harry, Ron, and Draco* No speaking out of turn, boys.

 **Lavender:** *without raising her hand* So, what are we learning about today?

 **Grubbly-Plank:** An excellent question, dear child. Today, we will be learning about unicorns.

 **Harry:** I saw a dead one once.

 **Grubbly-Plank:** Of course you did, MURDERER!

 **Harry:** I wasn't the one who killed it. Also, do you have any idea who I am? You remember Volde…

 **Grubbly-Plank:** I know who you are Mr. Potter, and I don't care. Your mother did all the work in saving everyone, you were just the weapon. But does anyone acknowledge that? No.

 **Harry:** …I mean, I guess, but still…

 **Grubbly-Plank:** Now, everyone come up to the paddock here *leads class to a paddock with a couple of unicorns in it. Crabbe gets close to it, and a unicorn charges at him, stabbing him in the chest with its horn* Oh, I should warn you, unicorns don't like men particularly much.

 **Crabbe:** *looking at his wound, unfazed* Gah?

 **Harry:** He doesn't seem overly concerned that he's been stabbed.

 **Draco:** Yeah, it'll be a while before he realises what's happened to him. Speaking of unspeakably stupid, I'm sure you're wondering what happened to Hagrid.

 **Harry:** I was gonna say passed out drunk until you said that.

 **Draco:** Nope, better *hands Harry a newspaper article*

 **Harry:** "Dumbledore's HUGE mistake, by Rita Skeeter". Okay, I'm already sceptical of the quality of this 'journalism'.

 **Ron:** But Harry, she's a famous reporter. How can she possibly be bad?

 **Harry:** She's a gossip reporter. Nothing she says is accurate. By definition, it HAS to be wrong *reads to himself* Except the part that he's a half-giant. Which I'm pretty sure anyone who's ever seen him could have figured out.

 **Draco:** Oh, wait until you get to the good part of the article.

 **Dean:** It says here you were crying as you gave your statement about how terrified you were of the ponies he brought to class once.

 **Draco:** …what?

 **Seamus:** Yeah, says so right here, jackass *shows him the part where Draco was quoted*

 **Draco:** Whatever, it's all fake news anyway *throws it away* Wait, did I just agree with Potter?

 **Harry:** At least you've realised that no-one will take this seriously now.

 **Draco:** You forgot one thing Potter.

 **Harry:** Yeah? What's that?

 **Draco:** People are stupid.

 **Harry:** …Hagrid is screwed.

 **Grubbly-Plank:** Excuse me boys, we're still having a lesson here.

 **Harry:** We hear you, we don't care.

 **Ron:** But Harry, we were the only ones other than Madame Maxime to be in that garden when he revealed he was half giant. How did Rita Skeeter find out he was?

 **Harry:** Ron, he's eleven and a half feet tall. It wasn't a secret.

 **Draco:** What's wrong, Potter? Worried that big oaf is scared to show his ugly mug again?

 **Harry:** Not really.

 **Draco:** What? Why?

 **Harry:** This is Hagrid we're talking about. He's probably upset that Maxime rejected him, and is sleeping off a hangover. He'll be back, you'll see.

*several weeks later*

 **Harry:** Where the fuck is he?

 **Hermione:** Don't worry Harry. We're going to Hogsmeade today, we'll probably find him at the Three Broomsticks.

 **Harry:** We better, because we need him to start teaching again. Wow, can't believe Hagrid is a better option for teaching than someone.

 **Hermione:** I don't know, Professor Grubbly-Plank has been doing a good job so far.

 **Harry:** Hermione, she outright refuses to teach guys. And while I don't care much about the subject, I at least want to pretend I'm interested, if only for the man who got me away from the fucking Dursleys.

 **Ron:** Harry, are you implying you think he's your best friend?

 **Harry:** I'm sorry, but did you ever rescue me from those abusive assholes?

 **Ron:** Yeah. Twice.

 **Harry:** …okay, good point. Let's go to Hogsmeade.

*at the Three Broomsticks*

 **Hermione:** Wow, I'd have thought if Hagrid was anywhere, he'd be here.

 **Harry:** People can get just as drunk at home as they can at a bar. Maybe we should try…

 **Bagman:** Ah, Harry. How are you today?

 **Harry:** Not in the mood for you.

 **Bagman:** Great, I'll buy you a drink.

 **Harry:** That's not even close to what I… *gets dragged to the bar*

 **Bagman:** Two Butterbeers, please.

 **Rosmerta:** Sorry sir, we're out. The supplier said someone broke in and drank all their stock. Honestly, who's ever heard of a brewery that runs out of booze?

 **Harry:** I have a theory on that…

 **Bagman:** So Harry, if you need any help with the tournament…

 **Harry:** Are you even allowed to do that? You know, since you're a judge and all.

 **Bagman:** Well, no, but that…

 **Harry:** Well, as much as I should take this opportunity, I'm pretty sure I'll get expelled if I get caught cheating like this, so I…are those goblins?

 **Bagman:** Yeah, I made a bet with them and, long story short, they're gonna take my thumbs if you lose. So for the love of God, help me help you.

 **Harry:** You know what? No. This is far more entertaining.

 **Bagman:** Uh oh… *runs out of the bar, followed by the goblins. Rita Skeeter just happens to come in at that moment*

 **Rita:** Ah, Harry. What did Mr. Bagman want…

 **Harry:** Yeah, not talking to you.

 **Rita:** Please Harry, I need…

 **Hermione:** Didn't you hear him? Fuck off, bitch. Come on guys, let's go see Hagrid *leaves with the other two*

 **Ginny:** *emerging from the shadows* It seems you're not fulfilling your end of our little agreement.

 **Rita:** I'll get him, I promise.

 **Ginny:** You better, because do you know what these are? *holds out a couple of squishy looking balls* These belonged to a boy named Neville. *Rita whimpers as Ginny disappeared back into the shadows*

*at Hagrid's house*

 **Harry:** Hagrid, open the fuck up *shoves door open, and finds Hagrid passed out on the floor with Dumbledore standing over him* What are you doing here?

 **Dumbledore:** Some weird woman has been demanding a pay check, and saying that McGonagall would make a better Headmaster than me. Can you imagine?

 **Harry:** I absolutely can.

 **Dumbledore:** So to fix that, I'm bringing him back *waves his wand, and Hagrid wakes up*

 **Hagrid:** Sorreh, got a bit depressed over Christmas and drank a brewery. What day is it?

 **Hermione:** January 14.

 **Hagrid:** New hangover pass out record.

 **Harry:** So, you'll go back to teaching Care of Magical Creatures, even though everyone knows you're a half-giant?

 **Hagrid:** Fuck yeah.

 **Harry:** Excellent. Maybe next chapter something of substance will happen.


	25. The Shell and the Sight

Chapter 25: The Shell and the Sight

 **Harry:** *under the Invisibility Cloak* Off to take a bath to see if I can figure out this egg. Better check that Filch or Snape isn't anywhere nearby on the Marauder's Map…what the hell? Turns around and sees Ron*

 **Ron:** Hi Harry. How'd you know I was under your cloak with you?

 **Harry:** I'm literally holding the Marauder's Map right now. I can see you.

 **Ron:** But I'm under the Invisibility Cloak.

 **Harry:** So am I. It doesn't hide you from people sharing the invisibility.

 **Ron:** Oh…hey, you know what'll save you time when you're in the bathroom? Already being naked. Maybe I should help you with…

 **Harry:** *pushing him out from under the cloak* Get the fuck out of here.

 **Ron:** I'm just gonna come down there anyway.

 **Harry:** Petrificus Totalus *Ron falls to the ground* Try it now.

*in the Prefect's Bathroom*

 **Harry:** *in the tub* Well, here goes nothing *opens the egg, and it starts screeching* Yeah, no that did nothing *closes it again*

 **?:** Maybe you should open it underwater.

 **Harry:** Oh great, the only voice I wanted to hear less than Ron's.

 **Myrtle:** *coming out of the tap* Aww, Harry, don't be like that *floats closer to him, as Harry tries to inch away* I just want to help.

 **Harry:** Okay, can you help from, like, over there or something?

 **Myrtle:** Aww, but Harry, don't you want to find out why they call me Moaning Myrtle?

 **Harry:** This isn't a smut fic. And in any case, how the hell would that even work?

 **Myrtle:** Well, you see…

 **Harry:** I don't want to know.

 **Myrtle:** It's all about how you get inside me, which is remarkably easy…

 **Harry:** I'm going underwater so I don't have to hear any more of this *opens egg underwater, before going under himself*

 **Egg:** Hey loser, we're taking your shit and dragging it to the bottom of the lake. Have fun getting it back within an hour.

 **Harry:** *resurfacing* Fucking mermaids now?

 **Myrtle:** Would you like to practice on a ghost first?

 **Harry:** Get the fuck out of here.

 **Myrtle:** Cedric took my help.

 **Harry:** That's because I imagine he's too damn polite to say no. And anyway, I got what I came for…

 **Myrtle:** You haven't come at all yet.

 **Harry:** That's it, I'm outta here *starts getting out of the water, and notices Myrtle's eyes getting wider* Would you please just turn around?

 **Myrtle:** Nope.

 **Harry:** Whatever, I've got bigger problems to worry about *gets out and ignores Myrtle's squeals of delight*

 **Myrtle:** You know Harry, you don't have to hide from me. I know you and your friends have been making Polyjuice Potion again. Bit of a waste when you flush it though.

 **Harry:** You know there's a book for it in the library, right? God, it's like that's supposed to be important to the plot or something.

*on his way back to the dormitory*

 **Harry:** Okay, no sign of Snape or Filch anywhere nearby…huh, Crouch is here. And in Snape's office, looking around. That's suspicious. Well, as long as my main protagonist instincts don't kick in, I won't find out what that's abo… *sees his legs carrying him towards Snape's office* DAMN IT! Well, seeing as my legs are in control right now, hopefully they don't forget the trick step that Neville always forgets *falls through trick step, dropping the egg and the Marauder's Map* SON OF A BITCH! Why do we even HAVE trick steps?

 **Filch:** Who the fuck is out of bed at this time?

 **Harry:** …shit.

 **Filch:** And whose egg is this?

 **Harry:** …Shit.

 **Filch:** Wait a minute, this is a Triwizard Champion egg. And there's only two people in the castle who have those.

 **Harry:** SHIT!

 **Filch:** PEEVES! You're in so much trouble now.

 **Harry:** Oh thank God.

 **Snape:** Argus, what are you doing here?

 **Filch:** I've got evidence of Peeves stealing from a student *holds up the egg*

 **Snape:** Hmm…well, knowing Potter's lack of respect for the rules, and the fact that he owns an invisibility cloak…

 **Harry:** Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

 **Snape:** I wager he's here somewhere. I'll look for him, while you go down to my office and see if you can find out who was going through it. Though I suspect I may have the culprit right here…

 **Harry:** Come, plot convenience, do something for me.

 **Moody:** What the fuck is going on here?

 **Harry:** Not who I was expecting, but I'll take it.

 **Snape:** Potter's out of bed, and someone's gone through my office. I believe the two are connected.

 **Moody:** And what evidence do you have that Potter is out of bed?

 **Snape:** Can you not see the big golden egg in Argus's hands?

 **Moody:** And it can't possibly be Diggory's? Or someone just stole it from one of them and threw it down the stairs for some reason?

 **Snape:** Because Potter has an invisibility cloak, and has a habit of sneaking about at night, so it must be…

 **Moody:** My eye can see through invisibility cloaks. If Potter was here, don't you think I'd have seen him by now?

 **Harry:** He's protecting me. Why is he protecting me?

 **Moody:** Now, I suggest you go check who was in your office Severus, in case someone finds something you don't want them to find.

 **Snape:** *glaring* Fuck you Alastor *starts leaving with Filch*

 **Harry:** Thank fucking God.

 **Moody:** Oh, and it looks like one of you dropped some parchment.

 **Harry:** MOTHERFUCKER! *signals to Moody that it's his*

 **Snape:** Wait a minute, I've seen that. That's Pott…

 **Moody:** Accio Parchment *parchment flies past Snape and into Moody's hands* Sorry, it's mine. I was wondering where this went.

 **Snape:** But…but…

 **Moody:** Move along now Severus *Snape glares at him, but leaves with Filch* Okay Potter, I have no idea why you're out of bed at this hour, but it better be good.

 **Harry:** Oh, you know, just…hanging around. And solving the clue for the egg.

 **Moody:** Excellent work boy. Now, about this map…

 **Harry:** You're gonna confiscate it, aren't you?

 **Moody:** I was just gonna ask if you saw who was in Snape's office.

 **Harry:** Huh? Oh, Barty Crouch was in there.

 **Moody:** I see… *looks at the map* Well, he's not there anymore. But NOW I'll confiscate it. Seeya Potter.

 **Harry:** Wait, I'm still stuck in the stairs. Hello? Hello?!


	26. Challenge Two

Chapter 26: Challenge Two

 **Hermione:** Harry! Where were you last night?

 **Harry:** I just had to free my freaking leg from the trick stair since Moody left me there.

 **Hermione:** Oh…how about Ron? He said he was going with you.

 **Harry:** Huh? Oh, probably still petrified outside the Common Room.

 **Hermione:** I'll fix him later.

 **Harry:** There's no rush to do that, honestly.

 **Hermione:** Anyway, how'd your research go last night?

 **Harry:** Yeah, I've gotta go and retrieve something from the merpeople at the bottom of the lake, and have an hour to do so. Not that I know how to swim or anything.

 **Hermione:** Well, at least you know what you're doing. So, what's the plan?

 **Harry:** Right now, it's just drown, but I assume you know a spell to help me.

 **Hermione:** Nope.

 **Harry:** Great, what is it…wait, what did you say?

 **Hermione:** I don't know any spells for that. That would assume magic exists, which it doesn't.

 **Harry:** Fine. What rational, non-magical methods do you have for me?

 **Hermione:** None, but I'm sure we can find something in the library. Come on.

 **Harry:** I'm gonna send a letter to Sirius first, since some shit went down last night.

 **Hermione:** What shit?

 **Harry:** Like, I don't know, Barty Crouch being in Snape's office, even though he's supposed to be too sick to come in. And Moody sort of implied that Snape was a supporter of Voldemort *distant thunder* Okay, why does that keep happening?

 **Hermione:** Coincidence? But I doubt Snape is evil. He's just an asshole.

 **Harry:** You sure? I mean, putting my name in the Goblet would be a pretty effective way to get rid of me.

 **Hermione:** You're just saying that because he hates you. Come on, we've got research and letters to do.

*later, in the library*

 **Harry:** Okay, I've sent my letter to Sirius.

 **Hermione:** Did you tell him about the challenge?

 **Harry:** …FUCK!

 **Hermione:** Damn it Harry, we need every resource we can get our hands on at this point.

 **Harry:** Why? It's not like you can't find anything in all those books.

 **Hermione:** That's the thing. I haven't found anything.

 **Harry:** Great, what have you found for…wait, what?

 **Hermione:** I haven't found anything that will allow you to survive under freezing water for an hour short of stealing an aqualung.

 **Harry:** Not to mention I don't know how to swim.

 **Hermione:** Yeah, why is that?

 **Harry:** I think the Dursleys were hoping something like this would happen.

 **Hermione:** Of course they were.

 **Neville:** Hey guys, I heard you needed as much help as you can get.

 **Harry:** Nobody will ever be that desperate. Honestly, as if you'd know anything about staying underwater for an hour.

 **Neville:** I might.

 **Harry:** Fuck off Neville, you'll never be anything useful to the plot.

*the night before the challenge*

 **Hermione:** We've checked this whole fucking library, and all we've got is a letter from Sirius asking when the next Hogsmeade visit is.

 **Harry:** It's almost like they WANT us to die in this challenge.

 **Hermione:** There must be something, otherwise the challenge would be undoable.

 **Fred:** How do you know the challenge isn't undoable?

 **Harry:** What do you two want?

 **George:** Her. McGonagall wants to see Hermione and Ron.

 **Fred:** And we already found Ron *turns around to see still petrified Ron on his back*

 **Hermione:** Well, I guess I have to go with them. Will you be okay Harry?

 **Harry:** I'm sure I'll find something eventually.

*3am, Harry is asleep in his chair in the library*

*9am, and Dobby is prodding Harry awake*

 **Dobby:** Mr. Harry Potter sir has to wake up.

 **Harry:** Huh? Wha…? Dobby? Did I fall asleep?

 **Dobby:** Yes sir, and you only have half an hour to get to the next challenge.

 **Harry:** …oh shit.

 **Dobby:** Don't worry though, because I have something to help you: gillyweed.

 **Harry:** …seriously? Two hundred+ books, not one of which says shit about anything like this, and you just pull that out of nowhere?

 **Dobby:** Yes, now come on. We haven't got long.

 **Harry:** And you're sure that will work for an hour?

 **Dobby:** More or less.

 **Harry:** Good enough, let's go. Oh, and next time, please don't wake me up by poking me with your dick.

 **Dobby:** No can do, Harry Potter *leaves with Harry*

 **Neville:** *arriving right after Harry had left* Hey Harry, I found some gillyweed to help you with… *sees Harry's already left* Aww, man.

*out at the challenge*

 **Percy:** Ah, Harry, nice of you to actually join us.

 **Harry:** Crouch is still saying he's sick, eh?

 **Percy:** No, he actually is sick. There's a difference.

 **Bagman:** Quiet Weasel. We have a challenge to start.

 **McGonagall:** Potter, are you really going to go swimming in the lake wearing your school robes?

 **Harry:** To be fair, I was asleep in the library until about half an hour ago, so…

 **McGonagall:** You're going into ANOTHER challenge severely sleep deprived?

 **Harry:** Well, it worked last time.

 **McGonagall:** *heavy sigh* You're gonna fucking die.

 **Bagman:** *using his wand to project his voice* Alrighty folks, time for the second challenge in this Triwizard Tournament. During the night, something was taken from our contestants, and given to the merpeople of the lake. It's the contestant's job to rescue whatever it is, and make it back within an hour, or suffer the effects of frostbite in the lake.

 **Harry:** Yeah, why do we have to do this in the middle of winter?

 **Krum:** Pfft, you call this winter? Back home, we have three blizzards daily.

 **Cedric:** How on Earth do you people survive?

 **Krum:** Because you suck and we don't.

 **Fleur:** Screw you Vik, you're a jerk. I say we should Kick Vik…

 **Harry:** NO! We are NOT getting in on that trainwreck.

 **Bagman:** Contestants ready? If not, too bad, we're starting now *fires gun*

 **Harry:** Well, here goes nothing *eats gillyweed* Oh Christ, this is disgusting…why can't I breathe? *touches his neck, and feels some gills growing there* So that's why it's called… *falls into water, notices his hands and feet are webbed now* This better not be permanent.

 **Fleur:** For Krum's sake, I hope that isn't permanent either *points at him, now with a shark head*

 **Harry:** Well, that's horrifying…wait, what are you and Cedric doing?

 **Cedric:** Bubblehead charm, duh.

 **Fleur:** Why wouldn't we use it? It's such a simple charm.

 **Harry:** I've spent two weeks in the library looking for a fucking spell like that, thinking that nothing existed until less than an hour ago, AND YOU TWO KNEW A SPELL FOR IT?!

 **Cedric:** Don't see how you could be unaware of it, it's a common enough spell.

 **Harry:** Not in our library, apparently.

 **Cedric:** Oh…well, seeya *swims away with the others*

 **Harry:** This is some serious bullshit.

*later, deep in the lake*

 **Harry:** Okay, if I was a mermaid village, where would I be? *sees something swimming through the weeds in the lake* Getting a real horror movie vibe right now *sees something moving nearby* Listen, there's no black guy nearby to kill first. Go away *is suddenly surrounded by Grindylows* Well, shit *Grindylows charge at him* Double shit *Harry tries to swim away, but the Grindylows catch him* Fuck off, assholes *Grindylows swarm him* I warned you *pulls out wand* RELASHIO! *jet of hot water blasts Grindylows away*

 **Myrtle:** Well, I guess that's one way of doing it.

 **Harry:** Myrtle? Why are you down here?

 **Myrtle:** Making a cameo, of course. By the way, the merpeople village is just over there.

 **Harry:** Are you even allowed to tell me that?

 **Myrtle:** What are they gonna do? Punish me?

 **Harry:** Whatever, I better see what's going on over there *swims away*

*later, in the merpeople village*

 **Harry:** Huh, they're definitely a lot more human looking than I thought. Some of them even look like students…male students…

 **Merman:** Welcome competitor. You have reached us first, and get to take your friend home *shows Ron, Hermione, Cho, and a young girl who looks like Fleur floating in suspended animation behind him*

 **Harry:** What about the rest of them?

 **Merman:** Well, their friends better come and save them, or else they belong to us.

 **Harry:** *eyes narrow* In what way?

 **Merman:** Sexually.

 **Harry:** Including the little girl?

 **Merman:** What's your point here?

 **Harry:** Okay, definitely can't condone what you're planning then *pulls out wand and aims it at Gabriella's ropes* _Diffi…_

 **Merman:** *holding a trident under Harry chin* NO! You only get to take one. The one who loves you most *points at Ron*

 **Harry:** No, really, it's okay, you can have…

 **Cedric:** *grabbing Cho while the merpeople are focused on Harry* Thanks for the distraction Harry.

 **Harry:** …as I was saying, you can keep…

 **Krum:** *steals Hermione in the same way as Cedric* Thank Potter.

 **Harry:** …as I was sayi…

 **Merman:** I know what you were trying to say, and if you don't take him, we'll drag you back down here and take turns with you too.

 **Harry:** You realise that people need oxygen to survive, right?

 **Merman:** Not our problem. You humans have been polluting the lake for centuries with your semen, which ends up in the fish and creates us. But do you, our PARENTS, ever come to visit? No. Finally, we can exact revenge on you.

 **Harry:** Wait, does that mean…

 **Merman:** Yes *reveals a young merkid who looks like Harry*

 **Merkid:** Daddy?

 **Harry:** That's it, I'm done with this *aims wand at Mermen* RELASHIO! *blasts Mermen through Ron's ropes, releasing him as he slowly started floating towards the surface* Damn it, I was so close *aims at Gabriella's ropes* DIFFINDO! *cuts her ropes, and Harry grabs her and starts heading towards the surface*

 **Merman:** GET THEM! And stick things in their holes. They're supposed to follow the rules.

 **Harry:** Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit *feels something hard against his foot* That better not be what I think it is.

 **Merman:** Damn it John, stop trying to penetrate a human's feet. They don't have a hole there.

 **Harry:** God damn it *turns around* RELASHIO! *blasts back several merpeople, before continuing to swim* Huh, it's getting hard to breathe…damn it, is that gillyweed shit running out? Eh, whatever. I'm the main character, and there's still three books. I'll get the surface at the last possible moment, won't I?

*about a minute later, Harry bursts through the surface of the water*

 **Bagman:** INCREDIBLE! Harry's made it back to the surface at the last possible minute before his gillyweed ran out. And with TWO prisoners, no less.

 **Ron:** HARRY! I knew you still cared.

 **Harry:** No, I really don't. I, really, REALLY…

 **Bagman:** Now, let's look at those scores. Ooh, it looks Fleur, who didn't finish the challenge, is in last place. Krum's currently sitting in third place, and Cedric and Harry are tied for first.

 **Harry:** How the hell am I still in contention?

 **Bagman:** We'll be seeing you guys on June 24th for the final challenge. Coincidentally, that's also about the time this fanfic's predicted to end.


	27. Sirius Comes Back

Chapter 27: Sirius Comes Back

 **Ron:** …I coulda taken them, but I decided that, for the sake of the challenge, I'd allow Harry to rescue me *gang of girls 'ooh' at what he's saying*

 **Hermione:** For fuck's sake Ron, you were a willing participant in the challenge.

 **Ron:** She's just saying that because she doesn't want to admit she couldn't do anything to stop it.

 **Harry:** Ron, I petrified you a week before we even knew what the challenge was. Fred and George carried you to McGonagall's office, and then they sank you to the bottom of the lake, where the merpeople were planning to continually mate with you and the other kidnapped people.

 **Ron:** But that doesn't make sense. One of the captives was Fleur's eight year old sister.

 **Harry:** That's why I tried to rescue her and not you.

 **Ron:** See? You hear that? The great Harry Potter knew I'd be able to handle myself, so he took the liberty of saving the child. We're both heroes *girls 'ooh' again*

 **Harry:** For fuck's sake Ron…

 **Hermione:** All you have to take from this is: people are idiots.

 **Harry:** Yeah, I know *owl post arrives, including a letter for Harry* Probably Sirius with his reply.

 **Sirius's letter:** Harry, meet me in Hogsmeade during your next visit there. And bring a shitload of food if you could. It's not easy to steal enough for yourself and a hippogriff when you're an escaped convict.

 **Hermione:** How is he even able to hide in Hogsmeade if he's a wanted criminal?

 **Harry:** Did you forget about the whole animagus thing?

 **Hermione:** Harry, we both know that's false. He's just got a really well trained dog that does stuff for him.

 **Harry:** Pretty sure you've seen him transform, but whatever.

*later, in Potions*

 **Pansy:** Hey mudblood, recognise someone? *throws a magazine in front of Hermione*

 **Hermione:** Yeah, that would be me, in a gossip magazine, so already everything about it is questionable at best. What's more surprising is that you're dumb enough to believe anything in it.

 **Pansy:** HEY! I am trying to insult you, and you will BE INSULTED!

 **Snape:** Stand aside child, you're not a pro at insulting like I am *picks up the magazine* So Granger, you're into Potter AND Krum?

 **Harry:** To continue with what Hermione was saying about people who believe gossip magazines…

 **Snape:** Potter, I can insult you and remove house points. Do you really want to say what you're thinking of saying right now?

 **Harry:** What does it matter? You're going to take off house points either way.

 **Snape:** Hmm…fifty points from Gryffindor for assuming my intentions.

 **Harry:** Was I wrong?

 **Snape:** No, but want to make it clear to you who's in charge here. Speaking of which, I know you were in my office the other night.

 **Harry:** I have no idea what you're talking about.

 **Snape:** Don't lie to me Potter *puts a vial of something on the bench* Do you know what this is?

 **Harry:** Something you consider threatening, no doubt.

 **Snape:** It's called Veritaserum, though you might refer to it as Truth Serum.

 **Harry:** Then why not just call it that?

 **Snape:** Because the other name sounds classier. Anyway, three drops of this and you will tell me anything I want to know. You and your friends have been brewing Polyjuice Potion, which is why there's been boomslang skin and gillyweed missing from my stores.

 **Harry:** Pfft, gillyweed isn't even an ingredient in Polyjuice Potion.

 **Snape:** What was that?

 **Harry:** Err, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.

 **Snape:** *stares suspiciously at Harry* I see…

 **Harry:** So, that potion will only make me answer questions you ask me about the recent thefts in a truthful manner, right?

 **Snape:** That is correct.

 **Harry:** Great, I have nothing to worry about, seeya *gets ready to leave, when Karkaroff bursts into the room* Or something plot related can happen.

 **Karkaroff:** Severus, a word.

 **Snape:** You do realise there are students present, right?

 **Karkaroff:** But Severus, look *shows him something on his arm* Well?

 **Snape:** Karkaroff, fuck off. You too Potter.

 **Harry:** Already planning on it, since I really want to get out of all this main character bullshit.

*outside*

 **Hermione:** Rita Skeeter is an extremely petty bitch, but I do have one question: the article mentioned Krum asking me to spend the summer at his place.

 **Harry:** To be fair, most guys would love unrestricted access to Emma Watson for an entire summer…wait, was she legal in the film for this one?

 **Hermione:** The thing is, he did ask that.

 **Ron:** Are you saying that a gossip magazine got something right?

 **Hermione:** Weirdly enough, yes. Especially since Rita Skeeter has been banned from the school.

 **Harry:** She could just have an informant in the school.

 **Hermione:** Nope, she's definitely spying on me because she's being extremely petty that you won't talk to her, and I'm going to prove it *leaves*

 **Ron:** She didn't go that far from anyone after the challenge. Anyone could have overheard her.

 **Harry:** Look, if it distracts her from the house elves, I don't care at this point.

*Hogsmeade*

 **Harry:** Alright, keep an eye out for a shaggy black dog.

 **Ron:** What about Sirius himself?

 **Harry:** Ron, do you really think he's going to appear in person in a place consisting solely of wizards who want him arrested?

 **Hermione:** Yeah Ron, he's going to send his helper dog.

 **Harry:** I'm just not going to argue at this point *sees Padfoot* Ah, there he is *Padfoot begins leading them up a mountain path into a cave* Really? All the way up here? *enters cave and finds Sirius*

 **Sirius:** Sorry it had to be all the way up here, I just wanted to keep the locals from seeing me in human form.

 **Harry:** Doesn't your dog form resemble some kind of bad omen?

 **Sirius:** That hasn't stopped some of the local children calling me Snuffles.

 **Ron:** That's your name from now on then.

 **Sirius:** Call me that to my face and you will send super Ebola in my next letter.

 **Ron:** Well maybe you should give me my rat back.

 **Sirius:** DUDE! Your rat was a MAN! And an evil one at that. The one that got Harry's parents killed, remember?

 **Ron:** Oh…give me my rat back.

 **Sirius:** Okay, I'm going to try talking to the smart people here. Did you bring the food Harry?

 **Harry:** How would you and Buckbeak like an entire bag of chicken legs?

 **Sirius:** Would we? *Harry throws him the bag, and Sirius starts stuffing his face with them*

 **Hermione:** Harry, where did you get those?

 **Harry:** From the kitc... *sees Hermione's face* Just...found them lying around *Hermione looks at him suspiciously*

 **Sirius:** So, what can you tell me?

 **Harry:** Okay, so starting at the World Cup: someone stole my wand and cast a pointless spell to make it seem like Voldemort *thunder crack* is back, and they framed Crouch's house elf for it, so she got fired. Crouch also didn't turn up for the game like he was supposed to, and has been extremely sick lately, even though he broke into Snape's office the other day. Also, Karkaroff tried to show Snape something on his arm.

 **Hermione:** Not to mention Rita Skeeter has been sneaking onto school grounds to spy on me.

 **Harry:** That's a probably unrelated and thus far unproven issue.

 **Sirius:** These are some very concerning events, especially concerning Crouch. Not that I care about the asshole who threw me in Azkaban without a trial, but still…

 **Harry:** Wait, really? Isn't having a trial, like, law or something?

 **Sirius:** Not when the guy throwing you in prison is trying to get the Minister of Magic job, and allowing Aurors to use Unforgivable Curses if necessary.

 **Harry:** Okay, how the fuck are you alive? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you are, but it sounds like Crouch should have executed you on the spot given what you were accused of.

 **Sirius:** I know, right? Crouch was so against Dark Wizards he threw his own son in Azkaban just for hanging out with a few known Death Eaters, who were looking for their master at the time.

 **Ron:** That's sounds like something that's going to be a problem for us later.

 **Sirius:** Not likely. Crouch's son died in Azkaban back in '82, so there's absolutely zero chance he could possibly be involved in all this.

 **Hermione:** So, if Crouch had such a hard stance against the Death Eaters, how come Fudge is the Minister?

 **Sirius:** Well, around the same time that Crouch's son died, his wife died too, and all of a sudden people started realising Crouch was kind of an asshole and he lost a lot of popularity. How Fudge got the job is still a mystery to everyone, but whatever.

 **Harry:** Still doesn't explain how and why Crouch was in Snape's office recently. Especially since he's supposed to be sick.

 **Sirius:** Yes, that's a good point. If Crouch was still suspicious of Snape being a Death Eater it would be easier to spy on him by being here in person.

 **Hermione:** SNAPE WAS A FUCKING DEATH EATER?!

 **Sirius:** He was only suspected of it. He was only a known associate of some Death Eaters...

 **Harry:** Like Crouch's son?

 **Sirius:** …that bastard. Anyway, that's about all I know. The only way we can find out more is by finding out exactly what's wrong with Crouch. Can you do that Ron?

 **Ron:** Not until you give me my rat back.

 **Sirius:** Harry, can you forge a letter to Ron's brother?

 **Harry:** Will do. Anything else we can do?

 **Sirius:** Just stay safe. With Moody at Hogwarts, I'm not too worried, even if he is a paranoid asshole. Yep, extremely reliable, that Moody is. You should definitely, 100% trust him. Well, see you kids next time.

 **Harry:** Why do I have a sudden feeling of foreboding related to Moody?


	28. The Insanity of Bartemius

Chapter 28: The Insanity of Bartemius

 **Harry:** Now that we've sent that letter to Percy, time to give Dobby some socks as a reward for helping me.

 **Neville:** You know, I also found some gillyweed to give you.

 **Harry:** There is no proof that you've ever done that in any version of the story, now take your uselessness somewhere else.

 **Neville:** One day I'll do something useful.

 **Harry:** Good luck with that. Now, onwards.

 **Hermione:** We're not going to have them make extra food as well, are we?

 **Harry:** We need to send stuff to Snuffles, don't we?

 **Hermione:** I suppose...

 **Harry:** And if they're happy to provide, then I don't see why we shouldn't...

 **Hermione:** Harry! As a member of SPEW, I think you should...

 **Ron:** Hermione, you know that house elves like working, right?

 **Hermione:** I mean, I guess it's possible to like the job...

 **Ron:** And they're happy to do it for free, right?

 **Hermione:** Only because they don't know about...

 **Ron:** I'll take that as a yes. So, maybe if they just have good masters, they don't care about not making money? Did that thought ever occur to you?

 **Hermione:** It didn't, but it does make sense.

 **Ron:** So what are you gonna do about it?

 **Hermione:** Try and convince them they need to earn a living wage *leaves to go to the kitchens*

 **Harry:** That was surprisingly intelligent of you.

 **Ron:** I was trying to impress you. Did it work?

 **Harry:** Fuck no *follows Hermione*

 **Ron:** Someday... *follows the other two*

 **Ginny:** *watching from the shadows* Hmm...

*in the kitchens*

 **Dobby:** Harry Potter is too kind to Dobby.

 **Harry:** Look, you figured out something that literally no book in the school library had an answer too. And it's not even an illegal plant or anything, it's just a bit uncommon, so it doesn't make any sense for it to not even be mentioned, so I just wanted to say thank you.

 **Hermione:** Hey, where's Winky?

 **Dobby:** Over there *points out Winky, sitting in the corner drinking Butterbeer* I wouldn't talk to her right now though, she's a little drunk.

 **Harry:** There's no alcohol in Butterbeer is there?

 **Ron:** Of course there is Harry. Why would you think there wasn't?

 **Harry:** Maybe because they serve it to children at the Three Broomsticks.

 **Ron:** That's why Madam Rosmerta keeps erasing the minds of the safety inspectors, and why she's so popular with schoolkids.

 **Harry:** Jeez, the wizarding world pretty much lets kids do whatever the fuck they want. No wonder kids love these books.

 **Hermione:** Guys, focus. Winky.

 **Harry:** She's fine *Winky falls out of her chair* Okay, whatever *goes over to her* Hey Winky, how are you?

 **Winky:** Winky want to go back home.

 **Ron:** But Winky, this is your home now.

 **Hermione:** Don't you see Ron? Winky has Stockholm Syndrome. She's so traumatised by her time with Crouch that she doesn't even realise that he was abusive to her.

 **Winky:** NO! Winky was a good house elf. Mr. Crouch even trusted Winky with Mr. Crouch's deep, dark secret.

 **Hermione:** Oh? And what was that?

 **Harry:** NO! The less I know about a secret conspiracy, the better. If I just keep my head down and hope for the best, maybe I can get out of this fucking tournament alive.

 **Hermione:** Oh, for God's sake *stands up in front of everyone*

 **Harry:** No, Hermione, please...

 **Hermione:** Listen up house elves, you don't have to live your life in shame by not make a living wage. You can...

 **House elf:** How dare you imply we should make money from our work?!

 **Hermione:** I just think you should...

 **House elf:** Get out of our kitchen.

 **Harry:** Can we still get some extra food?

 **House elf:** Alright, you can have eight loaves of bread, twelves bottles of orange juice, two bags of apples, a bag of potatoes, three wheels of cheese, a gallon of milk, an entire roast chicken, a tub of butter, two cartons of eggs, and three deboned salmons. But THAT'S IT!

 **Harry:** I guess we'll have to make do. Come on guys, let's get this food where it's needed *leaves with the others*

 **Ron:** But Harry, don't they know what they gave us is quite a lot of food?

 **Harry:** Listen, we just got more food than a Big Smoke drive-through order. I think we'll keep this our little secret.

*the next morning*

 **Hermione:** So, I decided to subscribe to the Daily Prophet, so that I can find out what Bitcha Skeeter's saying about me before the Slytherins tell me.

 **Harry:** Fair enough. Hey, is that the delivery owl now? *grey owl flies in, but it's carrying a letter* Oh, maybe not *drops letter in front of Hermione* Mail from home?

 **Hermione:** My parents have never written to me, much less by owl *opens letter* Oh, real mature.

 **Ron:** Did Sirius mail anthrax to you too?

 **Harry:** Why would Sirius mail anthrax to her? She didn't steal his owl.

 **Hermione:** All I got was someone telling me to kill myself for two timing you and Viktor.

 **Harry:** Hey, it's internet trolls before the internet was a thing. Or maybe it was in 1995, the author was only four back then so he doesn't know.

 **Hermione:** It's okay, it's just one idiot *six more owls arrive* Or a few.

 **Harry:** What are you gonna do about it?

 **Hermione:** What everyone who gets trolls attacking them should do: respond to them as though they complimented you, and otherwise just be as polite as possible. They won't have any idea how to respond to that.

 **Ron:** You might want to respond to that Howler before it explodes.

 **Hermione:** Oh Ron, they're called letterbo... *Howler explodes, knocking Hermione over* On second thought, I think I need to be treated for a concussion.

 **Harry:** I'll let Professor Sprout know where you are.

*later, in Care of Magical Creatures*

 **Hagrid:** A'right kids, today we're learnin' 'bout Nifflers.

 **Draco:** Those platypus looking things from those pretend Harry Potter films?

 **Hagrid:** The vereh same. Now, you'll be lettin' 'em loose in that field over there, and they'll dig up some leprechaun gold.

 **Ron:** Can we keep the gold?

 **Hagrid:** Sure. It'll be gone in a few hours anyway.

 **Draco:** Then what's the damn point?

 **Hagrid:** Because I said so, and I'm biggeh than you. 'arry, where 'ermione?

 **Harry:** Dealing with hate mail.

 **Hagrid:** Pre-internet internet trolls attacking 'er now are they?

 **Harry:** Yeah, they...wait, how do you know what the internet is?

 **Hagrid:** Ah, here she is *Hermione arrives* Listen 'ermiione, if yeh're 'avin' trouble wit' those assholes, I'll beh happy tah sort 'em oot for yeh.

 **Hermione:** Don't worry Hagrid, I've got a strategy. I'm going to be nice and polite to them, confusing them.

 **Hagrid:** Killin' 'em wit' kindness then? Well, if that don' work out for yeh, my offer still stands.

 **Hermione:** Thank you Hagrid, but I think we'd much rather you didn't go back to Azkaban.

 **Hagrid:** I'd beh fine, I'm probableh still king there after what 'appened last time.

 **Hermione:** I'm more curious how Bitcha Skeeter's getting her information. I'm going to investigate this.

 **Harry:** I will literally pay you to focus all your energy on that rather than the house elves.

*around Easter*

 **Ron:** Hey look, Percy's replied to us *opens letter*

 **Percy's letter:** No, I haven't seen Mr. Crouch in months. Why do people keep asking this like there's some major conspiracy about it? Now if you don't mind, I have to write a report on why the Cauldron Exhibition was such a failure, and I have no idea why it was.

 **Harry:** Well, that's not helpful.

 **Ron:** At least mum sent us some Easter eggs.

 **Hermione:** Why are mine a fifth the size of yours?

 **Ron:** Because my mum reads Rita Skeeter's articles.

 **Hermione:** Who's Rira Skeeter? I know no-one by that name.

 **Ron:** How could you not know her? She's the one who's been writing those awful things about you.

 **Hermione:** No, that's Bitcha Skeeter. There's no-one named Rita Skeeter *sees something on a nearby wall* That beetle seemed a little irritated when I said Bitcha Skeeter *beetle freaks out again* Eh, whatever, let's go *leaves with the other two*

 **Ginny:** *emerging from the shadows* What have I told you about harassing Hermione?

 **Rita:** *changing back into a human* I swear, it's part of my master plan.

 **Ginny:** Oh really? Explain it to me.

 **Rita:** It's all part of keeping my cover as a gossip writer. Turn as many people against her as possible, until the only person she can turn to is Harry. Then, they'll open up to each other, I'll find out what kind of girls Harry likes, and pass the information on to you, oh sinister one.

 **Ginny:** *glares at her* I don't like this plan *Rita winces* But I'll let you proceed for the moment, since I haven't got any other pieces on the board. Just remember, I have uses for Hermione, and if something should happen to her, you'll be making a visit to Dr. Shoe *disappears into shadows again*

 **Rita:** How the fuck did I end up blackmailed by a thirteen year old? *turns into a beetle and leaves*

*May 24, evening*

 **McGonagall:** Potter, Bagman wants you at the Quidditch pitch to tell you and the other champions about the final challenge.

 **Harry:** Not making this one a surprise then?

 **McGonagall:** To be fair, none of you seemed surprised about the dragons. Almost as though you were forewarned about them a little while before they got here and you had time to prepare yourself for it.

 **Harry:** Funny how that works out. Well, seeya.

*Quidditch pitch*

 **Bagman:** Ah, Harry, great. Now that everyone's here, I will explain the final challenge.

 **Viktor:** It's a maze.

 **Bagman:** How did you...

 **Fleur:** We can see it growing behind you.

 **Cedric:** I don't get why you couldn't just use the growth charm on it a week before the challenge rather than start growing it now.

 **Bagman:** You know what that sounds like Mr. Diggory? Something we should have thought of earlier.

 **Harry:** So all we have to do is grab a broomstick, fly above the maze, and draw a map of the area?

 **Bagman:** No, it's going to constantly be changing. New paths will open, and old ones disappear. Plenty of dangers will be hidden throughout the maze that you'll have to overcome. The first one to the middle wins.

 **Harry:** So, the first two challenges served no purpose then?

 **Bagman:** I didn't say that.

 **Viktor:** You kinda did.

 **Bagman:** But...

 **Viktor:** Alright, I think we're done here. Harry, can I have a word in private?

 **Harry:** If it means being nowhere near here, yes you can.

*a little way into the Forbidden Forest*

 **Harry:** Going into the Forbidden Forest, with someone who I'm competing against, from a school where they practice the Dark Arts, whose Headmaster is a former Death Eater. Damn it, what have I got myself into?

 **Viktor:** *spinning around* Harry.

 **Harry:** Don'tkillme.

 **Viktor:** I just want to know one thing: are you and Hermione...

 **Harry:** Oh, that. No, we're just friends. Now, if we're done here *something rustles in the bushes* I think we should leave before whatever that is arrives *Crouch suddenly bursts into the clearing they're in* God damn it.

 **Crouch:** Dumbledore...I need Dumbledore...

 **Harry:** ...okay, not sure why you'd need him, but I guess I can go get...

 **Crouch:** *grabbing the front of Harry's robes* He's getting stronger, he killed Bertha Jorkins, my son...help me.

 **Harry:** You're making it a little difficult by holding the front of my robes.

 **Viktor:** Allow me *punches Crouch, knocking him out* Now, go get Dumbledore.

 **Harry:** That was probably a little much, but whatever *leaves*

*outside Dumbledore's office*

 **Harry:** I don't suppose the password is still 'sherbet lemon' *statue remains close* Didn't think so.

 **Snape:** Potter! What are you doing?

 **Harry:** Okay, maybe you know how to get to Dumbledore. Crouch just appeared in the Forest, and...

 **Snape:** No, as in you're up after hours, and...

 **Harry:** I had a fucking Triwizard meeting. Now I need Dumbledore for...

 **Dumbledore:** *coming out of his office* If you're gonna make me do work, then forget it.

 **Harry:** Great, you're here. Crouch is in the forest and wants to see you.

 **Dumbledore:** Did he bring the pizza I ordered?

 **Snape:** Sir, you can't order pi...

 **Harry:** Yes, he did. Come on.

*back in the forest*

 **Harry:** He should be somewhere around here *sees Viktor, unconscious* Oh shit...

 **Dumbledore:** I know. Crouch stole my pizza.

 **Snape:** For the last time sir, you can't order pizza to be delivered here.

 **Dumbledore:** Then why the hell did you drag me out here?

 **Snape:** That was Po...

 **Karkaroff:** VIKTOR! What the hell happened to him?

 **Harry:** Well, you see...

 **Karkaroff:** I knew it! You're trying to rig the competition in your favour.

 **Dumbledore:** Of course I am. I want my school to win. Any advantage I can get...

 **Karkaroff:** You asshole! I'm gonna... *suddenly gets lifted off the ground* Eh?

 **Hagrid:** Yeh're gonna what, exactly?

 **Karkaroff:** Um...err...

 **Dumbledore:** Okay Hagrid, I think he gets the point. Could you put him down now?

 **Hagrid:** I'll put 'im down 'ere *hangs Karkaroff from a tree branch*A'right 'arry, let's get you back to yehr dorm.

 **Dumbledore:** And don't write to whoever you sent that giant mound of food to.

 **Hagrid:** What's he talkin' about?

 **Harry:** Nothing. Let's go.


	29. The Fantasy

Chapter 29: The Fantasy

 **Ron:** And you're sure you understood Crouch correctly?

 **Harry:** I don't think anyone could have understood him. He was reduced to little more than a raving lunatic when I found him.

 **Ron:** Why would there be glowsticks and techno music when he arrived?

 **Harry:** And you've fulfilled your quota of stupid for the day. Hermione, any ideas?

 **Hermione:** We can only speculate at the moment. But since he has been sick lately, maybe the sickness in question is insanity? I don't really care after what he did to poor Winky, but...

 **Harry:** And mentioning a house elf is a sign to stop listening to you. Let's send this message to Snuffles, shall we? *tying a letter to a nearby owl* And now back to...

 **? 1:** Look, what you're suggesting is blackmail.

 **? 2:** Yeah, because regular mail hasn't worked. And any other reasonable request. Therefore, we have to resort to this.

 **? 1:** Okay, fair enough *Fred and George enter the Owlery*

 **George:** Oh, hi...did you guys hear any of that?

 **Hermione:** Every word. And we're going to...

 **Harry:** Completely ignore it as long as you don't ask who we were sending mail to.

 **Fred:** We weren't going to anyway, but you've got a deal.

 **Harry:** Great. Come on guys.

 **Hermione:** But Harry, they're breaking the law.

 **Harry:** Hermione, I've got enough other shit to deal with. I don't particularly feel like dealing with whatever problem they're having too. They'll figure it out themselves, probably in some hilarious and devastating way.

 **Ron:** Do you think it's connected to the joke shop they want to start?

 **Harry:** Don't know, don't care. Let's see if Moody found Crouch.

*in Moody's office*

 **Harry:** Hey, Professor? Can I ask you...

 **Moody:** No, I didn't find Crouch.

 **Ron:** Whoa, how did you know what Harry was going to ask? Does that eye make you psychic?

 **Moody:** Will you shut up if I say it is?

 **Ron:** Yes.

 **Moody:** The eye makes me psychic.

 **Ron:** That's so cool.

 **Moody:** How the hell do you put up with him?

 **Harry:** I don't. Well anyway, I just came here to see if you knew about Crouch, so if that's it...

 **Moody:** Wait, Harry. Can I give you some advice?

 **Harry:** You're probably going to anyway.

 **Moody:** Focus in surviving the third task. Crouch is the Ministry's problem now. Whoever wants to kill you is probably going to make their move now, since they've only got this one shot left. From what Dumbledore's told me, you should be able to handle this one pretty easily.

 **Hermione:** If he's referring to what I think he's referring to, that was mostly us breaking the rules.

 **Moody:** Oh, what's wrong with a little rule breaking here and there?

 **Hermione:** Professor, as a teacher, you should not be...

 **Harry:** Good talk Professor, we'll see you next lesson *leaves*

 **Hermione:** God damn it *follow him with Ron*

*the next day*

 **Harry:** Hey, Snuffles's letter is here *owl drops letter in front of him*

 **Sirius's letter:** Harry, as your godfather, I will always be proud of you. Which is why I have to ask why the HELL you were alone, in the woods, AT NIGHT, with Viktor Krum? Come on man, not only is he one of the most likely people to have any reason to harm you, but whoever kidnapped Crouch was probably waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. If I find out you've done anything that stupid again, I will march right into that school and slap you upside the head, I don't give a shit about getting caught.

 **Harry:** Yeah, I guess he has a point there, it was a stupid move on my part.

 **Ron:** You're not stupid Harry.

 **Harry:** Thanks, but what else are you supposed to call going into the woods with a guy you're competing against who also knows the dark arts and his teacher hates you?

 **Ron:** ...I'll get back to you on that.

 **Harry:** Exactly. Now, back to the letter.

 **Sirius's letter:** As for the challenge, it sounds pretty easy, so that means there's probably something super difficult about it. Disarming and summoning are your best bets, and maybe a few hexes. Now, in case I didn't make myself clear earlier in the letter, NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT STUPID AGAIN!

 **Hermione:** Well, you're pretty good at disarming and summoning already, so let's find some hexes for you to try.

 **Harry:** Great idea. Ron, feel like being my test dummy?

 **Ron:** Does that mean we get to...

 **Harry:** Whatever it takes to get to hex you legally.

 **Ron:** Yay *leaves with the other two*

*later, in Divination*

 **Harry:** Jesus Christ, it's hot up here.

 **Trelawney:** Oh, a little heat never hurt anyone.

 **Harry:** Tell that to the thirty four people who've died in the Australian bushfires.

 **Ron:** TOO SOON!

 **Harry:** Don't care *takes a seat near a window and opens it*

 **Trelawney:** Now today class, we'll be talking about an interesting angle Mars is making with Neptune...

 **Harry:** *thoughts* Man, the cool air from outside and the hot air from the fire make this spot extremely comfortable. It's so nice that I could fall asleep. But I shouldn't, because that would be a pretty rude thing to do in class. Eh, whatever. She always tries to convince me I'm going to get killed, fuck her.

 **Harry:** *dream* Whoa, that was fast. I'm flying on the back of an owl towards...a dilapidated house. Why does this house look familiar *flies in through the window and sees Wormtail* Ah, crap.

 **Voldemort:** Good news Wormtail, the little 'problem' we were having is no more.

 **Pettigrew:** Really? I'm so glad. So, all is forgiven?

 **Voldemort:** FUCK NO YOU FUCKING MORON! It's your fault we had to kill him. Now we have to wait another month to deal with Harry Potter.

 **Pettigrew:** See? It's all working out. So, about that forgiveness...

 **Voldemort:** CRUCIO!

 **Pettigrew:** *in agonising pain* HARDER DADDY!

 **Voldemort:** God damn it, of all the minions to find me first...

*back in Divination*

 **Harry:** AHHHHH!

 **Trelawney:** Dear child, what happened? You were passed out on the floor, clutching your scar. You must have been having a vision. You must tell me what happened. I have experience in this area.

 **Harry:** You are literally the person I trust least in these matters. Seeya.

*in the corridors*

 **Harry:** Okay, who should I tell about this? Sirius? He's probably the best bet. But he'll probably tell me to tell Dumbledore, which seems like a stupid idea. Because it is a stupid idea. And I somehow think McGonagall won't be allowed to help me under his rules, so...*sigh* Guess I better tell him *gets to Dumbledore's office* Sherbet lemon *gargoyle doesn't move* Guess he resets his password too. Umm...Chocolate Frog? Bertie Botts? Fizzing Whizzbees? Candy Corn? *gargoyle moves out of the way* You couldn't pick something good, could you? *goes up the stairs to Dumbledore's office*

 **Fudge:** *from inside* I refuse to believe that happened.

 **Dumbledore:** Unfortunately it's true. Crouch delivered the pizza I ordered, only to steal it when he got to the school grounds.

 **Crouch:** What an asshole. I didn't know he was so hard up for cash that he needed to take a second job, much less a muggle job.

 **Harry:** *from outside* On second thought, McGonagall will probably help me behind Dumbledore's back. Maybe I should...

 **Moody:** Gentlemen, Harry Potter is standing outside the door.

 **Harry:** Son of a bitch.

 **Author's note: Holy crap, this is coming out on the one year anniversary of me posting the first chapter of this thing. Happy birthday Goblet of Fire Abridged. Only eight chapters to go.**


	30. The Memory Reviewer

Chapter 30: The Memory Reviewer

 **Fudge:** Ah, Harry. How is it going my boy?

 **Harry:** Well, I...

 **Fudge:** Excellent, excellent. But right now, me and your Headmaster have some important matters to discuss, like the arrest of Madame Maxime.

 **Harry:** Huh? Why?

 **Fudge:** What do you mean why? You provided the evidence yourself. You said Crouch was with you and Cedric...

 **Harry:** Krum.

 **Fudge:** And when you got back, he was gone. Therefore Madame Maxime must be guilty.

 **Harry:** Do you really think I'd miss someone as big as her if she was there?

 **Fudge:** ...hmm, I guess she does have that defence. In any case, we've got to investigate the place where it happened.

 **Harry:** But...

 **Moody:** Don't worry Potter, we won't be too long...

 **Dumbledore:** Don't touch my shit *leaves with the others*

 **Harry:** Somehow, I expected this meeting to go much worse. Now, what can I do until he gets back? *sees a strange reflection coming from a nearby closet* I have to look at whatever that is, don't I? *the reflection seems to nod* God damn it *goes over to check out what's causing it* It's just a stone basin with weird looking water. Can I go now? *the reflection seems to shake its head* Well what am I supposed to do with... *looks into the basin, and falls in* Oh crap, I'm doing an Alice in Wonderland...or is this more Narnia because it's in a closet? *lands on a wooden bench* Great, where the fuck am I? *sees Dumbledore next to him* Professor? *gets ignored* Yo, Professor *still ignored* God damn it old man *tries to hit him, and his hand goes through him* Well that's disappointing.

 **Crouch:** *sitting at a judge's desk* Okay, bring in the prisoner.

 **Harry:** Great, I'm in the fucking past. That stone basin actually Inuyasha-ed me *sees who the prisoner is* Karkaroff? Yep, the past.

 **Crouch:** So, you decided you want to talk finally, have you?

 **Karkaroff:** Yes, I told you that when you caught me. Six months ago.

 **Crouch:** Don't sass me, douchebag. Just tell us what we want so I can throw your ass back in Azkaban and I can go back to banging my wife.

 **Karkaroff:** You know, that doesn't seem like appropriate language for court...

 **Crouch:** Names or get the fuck out.

 **Karkaroff:** *sigh* Okay, well, now that I've renounced my allegiance to Voldemort...

 **Crouch:** *cough*Bullshit*cough*

 **Karkaroff:** *glares at Crouch* The names I have are: Antonin Dolohov, Evan Rosier, Edward Travers, Randall Mulciber, Augustus Rockwood, Severus Snape...

 **Crouch:** Caught, dead, caught, caught, we'll look into, switched sides. Okay, seeya.

 **Karkaroff:** Wait, I still have one more...

 **Crouch:** I said goodbye.

*memory suddenly fades, and then comes back to the same courtroom*

 **Crouch:** Alright, bring in the prisoner *Ludo Bagman gets brought in, and the crowd in the courtroom starts cheering* Jesus fucking Christ.

 **Bagman:** Hey, what's up buddy?

 **Crouch:** I'm not your buddy, friend.

 **Bagman:** I'm not your friend, guy.

 **Moody:** And this isn't South Park, fuck knuckle. Why were you leaking Ministry secrets?

 **Bagman:** How the hell was I supposed to know what Rockwood was up to? He said, and I quote, "hey, can you get me some Ministry secrets? I'm not in league with the Dark Lord, I swear, I just want information."

 **Crouch:** That's literally the problem.

 **Bagman:** Hands up, members of the jury, who else would have believed someone who said that to them *everyone raised their hands* See? I'm completely innocent.

 **Crouch:** Fuck my life.

 **Harry:** Now you know how I feel.

*courtroom fades and reappears again*

 **Crouch:** I've decided you're all guilty, of the horrifying torture of Frank and Alice Longbottom.

 **Scary and psychotic looking witch:** Without even hearing the evidence?

 **Crouch:** Quiet Lestrange.

 **Harry:** Man, she looks creepy. I hope I never meet her in person.

 **Crouch Jr:** Father, please. I didn't do it.

 **Harry:** Doctor Who is that? HA! I got it in at the right place.

 **Crouch Jr:** Father, please. You've got to believe me, I'm your son.

 **Bellatrix:** Oh, don't lie little Barty. You enjoyed it more than any of us.

 **Crouch Jr:** FATHER!

 **Crouch:** Sorry, but the crazed lunatic said you did it, and I'm inclined to believe her.

 **Crouch Jr:** But father...

 **Crouch:** TO THE DEMENTORS WITH YOU!

 **Bellatrix:** *psychotic laughter* Come along Barty.

 **Crouch Jr:** FATHER! *gets dragged from the courtroom*

 **Dumbledore:** God damn it kid *drags Harry out of the pensieve* What did I tell you about touching my shit?

 **Harry:** Was I just in your memories?

 **Dumbledore:** WHAT?! Who told you?

 **Harry:** No-one, but else could it have been?

 **Dumbledore:** *narrowing his eyes* Okay, I'll believe you. This time. Yes, this pensieve is an interesting item. Simply remove a thought or memory that you want to examine, and throw it in the bowl. Like so.

 **Harry:** No, I don't really need to... *Dumbledore uses his wand to pull out a memory, and it starts projecting itself above the pensieve*

 **Memory Dumbledore:** Oh Gellert, take me. Take me now.

 **Memory Grindelwald:** As you wish, Albus *the sounds of clothes being removed is heard*

 **Harry:** STOP THIS SHIT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

 **Dumbledore:** *sigh* Fine, be a prude and miss the beauty of love *turns it off* So, I assume you came to me for a reason.

 **Harry:** Yeah, but I doubt you can really help me, so I'm gonna go now *starts to leave*

 **Dumbledore:** *grabbing him* Oh no you don't. You ain't leaving this office without telling me what's happening.

 **Harry:** I could probably wait for you to die *Dumbledore just stares at him, waiting* Fine, whatever. My scar started hurting after I woke up from a dream in Divination.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh, boohoo. Your scar hurts. Guess what? It's a scar, it's meant to hurt.

 **Harry:** It's only ever done that when something Voldemort *distant thundercrack* related happens.

 **Dumbledore:** Probably because he's getting stronger. Something you should have worked out when it was hurting you over the summer.

 **Harry:** ...how do you know about that?

 **Dumbledore:** From my pen pal Sirus. Weird that he spells his name with an S rather than a C, but whatever. I suggested that he start living in a nearby mountain since he's going through some hard times right now.

 **Harry:** I think you mean Siri...actually, no, you're right, it's Sirus.

 **Dumbledore:** Exactly. Now, unless you can tell me the link between the deaths of Bertha Jonkins, a muggle named Frank Bryce, and the disappearance of Barty Crouch and my pizza, get out of my office.

 **Harry:** Well, guess that's my cue to leave.

 **Dumbledore:** And it's about freaking time. Oh, and don't tell Neville you know about his tragic backstory.

 **Harry:** I didn't care in the first place *leaves office* Well, that went as well as could be expected.

 **Author's note: Well, I think we all suspected it for a while, but now it has been confirmed once and for all: Dragon Ball Z Abridged, one of the main inspirations for this series, will not be continuing. It's disappointing, but I understand what must be going through Team Four Star's heads. Burnout is a horrible thing, and anyone who remembers the fourth season of my Total Drama fic knows I'm not immune to it. I doubt anyone is. It's a creativity killer, and there's no good cure for it. Rest in peace Dragon Ball Z Abridged, and thanks for all the laughs over the years. I'll never forget the good times you gave us.**


	31. Challenge Three

Chapter 31: Challenge Three

 **Ron:** I knew it!

 **Harry:** You knew that Snape was a Death Eater?

 **Ron:** No, that Bagman was evil.

 **Hermione:** He's not evil though. He just didn't realise he was passing off information.

 **Ron:** Or so he says.

 **Harry:** What I'm amazed at is that neither of you are concerned that Voldemort *distant thunder* is getting stronger.

 **Hermione:** Should we?

 **Harry:** Have you seriously not noticed the thunderclap every time I've mentioned his name lately?

 **Hermione:** Clearly it's just stormy.

 **Harry:** THERE'S NOT A DAMN CLOUD IN THE SKY RIGHT NOW!

 **Hermione:** Look Harry, I highly doubt you're in any danger here. I mean, how would a crippled man even be able to sneak into the school without anyone noticing? Especially a school protected by the most competent Headmaster ever.

 **Harry:** But McGonagall's not the Headmaster.

 **Hermione:** I was referring to...

 **Harry:** I know who you're referring to, and you're wrong. Anyway, I need to start practicing more spells to defend myself. You guys coming?

 **Ron:** How many more times do I have to get thrown against the wall before you let me...

 **Harry:** As many as I feel like. Let's go.

*in the Transfiguration classroom*

 **McGonagall:** Here, the classroom's yours to use as you see fit. Try not to make a mess.

 **Harry:** Professor, I'm practicing spells to attack and defend myself. Things are going to be flying around this room, and probably breaking. A lot.

 **McGonagall:** *sigh* I know, it was wishful thinking. Just don't die in the challenge.

 **Harry:** Come on Professor, after facing dragons and merpeople, what's the chance someone's going to die in this challenge?

 **McGonagall:** Yeah, fair enough. Have fun breaking shit *leaves*

 **Ron:** *over at the window* Hey, what's Malfoy doing?

 **Harry:** *seeing Malfoy facing a tree with Crabbe and Goyle standing guard* Who cares? I have spells to cast on you.

 **Hermione:** Shouldn't we pay some attention to it?

 **Harry:** Look, if it's consequential to the plot, I'm sure we'll hear about it.

*the day of the task*

 **Hermione:** It's consequential to the plot *shows Harry an article*

 **Harry:** Let's see...Rita Skeeter's saying that I'm mentally disturbed...she witnessed me collapse in Divination...she knows it's because of the scar...knows I can speak parseltongue...I'm friends with giants and werewolves...I mean, she's got the BASICS of facts right at least.

 **Ron:** How'd she know about Divination?

 **Harry:** Well, I did have the window open.

 **Hermione:** Yeah, and you were also at the top of a tower, and Rita Skeeter is banned from school grounds.

 **Harry:** I guess it is a little weird she knows about it. Like she's got the place bugged or something.

 **Hermione:** Bugged...that gives me an idea *leaves in a hurry*

 **Ron:** She not going to tell us her idea?

 **Harry:** I'd be more concerned that you guys have an exam in a few minutes.

 **McGonagall:** Mr. Potter, your family is here to see you compete in the final challenge.

 **Harry:** You're kidding, right?

 **McGonagall:** And by that I mean your REAL family *leaves*

 **Harry:** You've clarified nothing *follows her to a side room*

 **Molly:** There you are Harry *hugs him*

 **Harry:** What the hell? What's this heart-warming shit doing in this fanfic?

 **Bill:** It was in the book, so it's in here now. By the way, who's that *points at Fleur*

 **Harry:** A seventeen year old girl, before you get any ideas.

 **Fleur:** Seventeen and two thirds, you mean *licking lips*

 **Bill:** So...round up?

 **Harry:** Okay, next scene.

 **Amos:** But Harry, I haven't mocked you by saying the Cedric's going to kick your ass in the challenge.

 **Cedric:** But dad, I like and respect Harry and don't intend to humiliate him in the challenge.

 **Amos:** You don't intend to, but you will anyway.

 **Cedric:** That's not what I...

 **Harry:** Next scene please, before Bill gets himself on some kind of watchlist.

*lunchtime*

 **Harry:** Thank God. So, where's Percy?

 **Molly:** Oh, the Ministry's got him under arrest because of the whole Crouch thing. They're hushing it up, but they're concerned that Percy's instructions either weren't Crouch's, or were sent under duress.

 **Harry:** And your thoughts?

 **Bill:** Well, given that several of the letters have randomly capitalised letters in the middle of words that spell out cries for help, we're inclined to agree with the Ministry.

 **Harry:** And you're telling me this because...

 **Molly:** You and your friends will just stick your nose in where it doesn't belong and find out anyway, usually doing something suicidally dangerous to do so, so I figured it's better to just tell you outright to avoid such an outcome.

 **Harry:** Most of the time, it's not my fault that shit happens.

 **Ron:** *arriving with the other Weasleys and Hermione* Yeah, it's like he's the main character of a book or something.

 **Hermione:** Hi Mrs. Weasley.

 **Molly:** Bitch.

 **Harry:** You do know what Rita Skeeter said about her was bullshit, right?

 **Molly:** Oh...then hello Hermione, how's it going?

 **Hermione:** Great, actually. I took care of our little Rita Skeeter problem.

 **Ginny:** *squinting eyes* What problem?

 **Hermione:** Oh, she wrote another horrible article about Harry this morning. But it's okay, because...

 **Ginny:** Where is that bitch?

 **Hermione:** Like I said, I took care of her.

 **Ginny:** Oh? *realises what it could mean* Oh... *smiles evilly* *thoughts* I would have preferred to do it myself, but what's done is done. Besides, this proves she has a dark side too. I can use that.

*that night*

 **McGonagall:** Alright champions, come with us to the Quidditch pitch. Everyone else, wait five minutes.

 **Ron:** Why? We're all heading there anyway, might as well have us all there now.

 **McGonagall:** Because I said so. Now shut up.

 **Harry:** Are you happy now? I'm not going into the challenge completely sleep deprived.

 **McGonagall:** That should not be something to be proud of.

 **Harry:** Yeah, so's forcing an underage wizard to compete in a dangerous tournament that he didn't sign up for, but here we are.

 **McGonagall:** Believe me, if it was up to me, you wouldn't be competing. Unfortunately, Dumbledore said he would freeze my assets if I didn't force you, so...sorry.

 **Harry:** Can he do that?

 **McGonagall:** From what I've heard, he once performed necromancy on a dog using an unrelated spell and suffered no ill consequences for it. If I had to guess, he'll either actually freeze my assets, or everything I own will be in a giant ice cube, both of which will be a massive pain in the ass.

 **Harry:** I hate that that makes sense.

*in the stadium*

 **Dumbledore:** Alright champions, here are the rules: since I'm biased, the two Hogwarts champions go in first, followed by Krum because he's scary looking, then Fleur because she's not here yet.

 **Fleur:** *entering the arena with messy hair and crooked clothes* I'm here now.

 **Bill:** *also with messy hair and crooked clothes* And it definitely wasn't my fault.

 **Harry:** *muttering* I fucking knew it.

 **Fleur:** We didn't say we fucked.

 **Harry:** I didn't say you did.

 **Bill:** Oh...because we didn't.

 **Dumbledore:** Ahem...anyway, first one to grab the cup wins. Anyone who decides to die will be disqualified. Other than that, have fun.

 **Harry:** What if we give up?

 **Dumbledore:** Send up some red sparks so we can find you and expel you.

 **Karkaroff:** I would never expel Viktor if he quit.

 **Dumbledore:** Than I'll expel him for you.

 **Karkaroff:** You can't...

 **Dumbledore:** Off you go *flicks his wand at Harry and Cedric, sending them into the maze*

 **Cedric:** Well, all the best Harry. If I lose to anyone, I would prefer it to be you.

 **Harry:** Same to you Cedric. Now, the sooner we get through this, the sooner I can find out who wants to kill me. Seeya.

*later*

 **Harry:** Well, other than the darkness and the twenty foot hedges, so far this hasn't been too bad.

 **Dementor:** *flying around a corner* Om nom nom.

 **Harry:** Yep, there it is. EXPECTO PATRONUM! *blasts dementor with it*

 **Dementor:** OW! Noms hurt me.

 **Harry:** Wait, why would we have dementors here? This is a boggart. RIDDIKULUS! *blasts the boggart*

 **Boggart:** Noms aren't fun anymore *floats away, sulking*

 **Harry:** Well, that was easy. What's ne... *sees a Blast-Ended Skrewt* Oh, this shouldn't be too horrifying.

*outside the maze*

 **McGonagall:** Hagrid, I've been doing some research, and I've found that it's physically impossible to make a fire-crab and a manticore breed like you claim to have done with your blast-ended skrewts.

 **Hagrid:** Yeah? What's yeh point?

 **McGonagall:** Hagrid, what the fuck did you do?

 **Hagrid:** Look, when I got kicked oot of 'ere, I went to a place called Amestris, met a guy named Shou, and...

 **McGonagall:** Oh no...

 **Hagrid:** Look, nobody's gonna miss the babies I used...

 **McGonagall:** Jesus fucking Christ.

 **Hagrid:** And they might get to meet Harry, whom I've taught them is their family.

*back in the maze*

 **Skrewt:** That person...Ha...rry. That person...Ha...rry. That person...Ha...rry. Big Brother...Ha...

 **Harry:** *absolutely horrified* Holy shit Hagrid, this is a whole new level of fucked up, even for you *hears Fleur scream* You know what? Whatever that is has nothing to do with me, but would be far less traumatising than whatever the fuck I'm looking at right now.

*further into the maze*

 **Harry:** Where is everyone? *sees Cedric and Krum* Oh, hey guys.

 **Krum:** *not paying attention to Harry* CRUCIO! *blasts Cedric with the curse*

 **Harry:** Oh, that's not good. Um...STUPIFY *blasts Krum with the spell, stunning him*

 **Cedric:** *getting up* Thanks Harry. I guess he got a little carried away with the competition.

 **Harry:** A little carried away? That was an Unforgivable Curse. He could have fucking killed you.

 **Cedric:** I know, he just panicked in the heat of the moment.

 **Harry:** Dude, your kindness will be the death of you. Well, seeya *leaves*

*later*

 **Harry:** Okay, where's my next challenge?

 **Sphinx:** *appearing in front of him* That would be me.

 **Harry:** Oh God, do I have to fight you?

 **Sphinx:** Only if you get my riddle wrong. I should mention that I am the shortest way to the treasure you seek. If you choose to go the longer way, you will have to face the Labyrinth guards.

*elsewhere*

 **Guard 1:** So, one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always tells lies.

 **Cedric:** But lying's bad.

 **Guard 2:** Not always. Sometimes it's...

 **Cedric:** *looking at Guard 1* I'm not listening to him, he's the liar.

 **Guard 1:** How would you know?

 **Cedric:** You explained how things work, then he said lying's not always bad. Therefore, you told me the truth, and he lied.

 **Guard 2:** You can't prove that.

 **Cedric:** What's two plus two?

 **Guard 1:** Four.

 **Guard 2:** Thirty seven...fuck.

 **Cedric:** So, which way do I go?

 **Guard 2:** Well, first you... *Cedric kicks him in the shins*

 **Cedric:** Shut up, liar.

 **Guard 1:** A bit excessive, isn't it?

 **Cedric:** Are you defending him?

 **Guard 1:** Err... *sweats nervously*

*back with the sphinx*

 **Sphinx:** So, what will you... *looks around, but can't see Harry* Huh, guess he chose to go with the guards.

 **Harry:** I hope the sphinx didn't notice me sneak past it *keeps moving*

*later*

 **Harry:** God damn it, is this maze a TARDIS? I'm positive the Quidditch pitch wasn't this big before. Surely I can't be that far away from... *sees the cup* Oh, that's convenient.

 **Cedric:** *coming out in front of Harry* Oh, hey, it's the cup.

 **Harry:** Hey, I saw it first.

 **Cedric:** Oh, hey Harry. Well, I guess if you saw it first, you should get it.

 **Harry:** DUDE! I was joking. We're in competition. You're supposed to try and win.

 **Cedric:** But that doesn't seem fair if you saw it first.

 **Harry:** Dude, get angry. Get mean. Make me earn the victory.

 **Cedric:** Are you sure?

 **Harry:** YES!

 **Cedric:** Well, okay, if you insist *starts running for the Cup, not noticing the giant spider crawling over the wall*

 **Harry:** Cedric, watch out for the... *Cedric blasts it with a spell without looking* Wow, that was pretty hardcore.

 **Cedric:** Oh my God, I just killed that spider!

 **Harry:** Keep running.

 **Cedric:** But I...

 **Harry:** *gets right in Cedric's face* Keep! Running! *practically drags Cedric to the finish line*

 **Cedric:** Well, it's a draw. So, I guess it goes to the one that saw the Cup first, right?

 **Harry:** *sigh* I actually feel sorry for your dad. How have you gone through your entire life without a competitive edge? Especially when you play Quidditch?

 **Cedric:** I...

 **Harry:** Don't bother answering. We're going to grab the Cup together, and you get the prize money.

 **Cedric:** But why?

 **Harry:** Because I don't need the money, you want me to win, and I want you to stop being afraid to stand up to people.

 **Cedric:** I'm not afraid to stand up to people. In fact, the next person we see, I'll stand up to.

 **Harry:** Great. But first, the Cup.

 **Cedric:** Okay *Harry and Cedric grab the Cup at the same time, and suddenly start getting transported somewhere else*

 **Harry:** OH SHIIIIII...


	32. Meat, Life Juice, and Cartilage

Chapter 32: Meat, Life Juice, and Cartilage

 **Harry:** ...T! *hits the ground with Cedric*

 **Cedric:** Harry, I don't think we're in Hogwarts anymore.

 **Harry:** No shit, we're in a graveyard. And somehow I don't think this is part of the challenge.

 **Cedric:** Really? Well, that's just rude. I should give whoever's behind this a piece of my mind *sees someone wearing a hooded cloak and carrying a bundle of rags moving nearby* There's someone now.

 **Harry:** Cedric, I don't like this. It's probably a trap, one designed to kill me. You know, because I was forced to enter the Tournament despite the fact I'm nowhere near old enough to be competing.

 **Cedric:** Don't worry, I'll handle this. I said I'd stand up to the next person I saw, and who better than the ones trying to kill you?

 **Harry:** That sounds like a suicidally horrible idea.

 **Cedric:** *ignoring Harry* Hey there, whoever you are. Did you bring us here?

 **Harry:** *scar suddenly starts hurting* AHHH! Cedric, get out of there!

 **?:** Who the fuck is this extra person? Kill him, he's unnecessary.

 **Hooded figure:** But sir, do we really need to leave another body? They might suspect that...

 **?:** DO IT! Nagini's hungry.

 **Hooded figure:** *pulls out wand* AV...

 **Cedric:** Oh, it's a fight you want? Well *pulling out his own wand* I'll be more than happy to...

 **Hooded figure:** ...ADA KEDAVRA! *blasts Cedric, knocking him to the ground, dead*

 **Harry:** Oh my God, they killed Cedric. YOU BASTARDS!

 **?:** Bind him, Pettigrew.

 **Harry:** Pettigrew? Oh, it's just you Peter. How's it going, rat boy?

 **Peter:** *glares at him* Fuck you Potter *blasts Harry with a spell that ties Harry to a nearby headstone*

 **Harry:** Oh, come on man, do you really think you're a threat?

 **Peter:** Me? No *points at the bundle* But he is.

 **Harry:** What do you... *sudden realisation* Oh God, that's not...

 **Peter:** It will be. I just need a few things *summons a stone cauldron and some water, before lighting a fire to boil it* First, I need a bone from the father. Would you mind moving a little to the left?

 **Harry:** What? *sees the grave he's tied to says Tom Riddle* Oh...what if I don't?

 **Peter:** Then I'll make the bone go up through your butt and out your mouth. I'm trying to be nice by doing the less painful thing.

 **Harry:** This coming from the guy who got my parents killed.

 **Peter:** That's it, I'm gonna bone your butt.

 **Harry:** Phras...AHHHH! *bone comes out of Harry's mouth, and floats into the cauldron* Was that necessary?

 **Peter:** Of course not. Now, next I need flesh from the servant. And since there aren't any other Death Eaters around... *Peter raises his hand above the cauldron, and swings the knife down. Unfortunately, it doesn't cut through his wrist* Wait, hold on *starts sawing through his wrist, much to Harry's horror* SWEET JESUS, this hurts. Oh, God, who'd have thought cutting off your own hand would hurt so much?

 **Harry:** EVERYONE! Everyone would think that.

 **Peter:** Hold on, nearly got it *sickening squelch, followed by the hand dropping into the cauldron* Well, at least the last one doesn't hurt. At least, not me.

 **Harry:** I'm filled with unease.

 **Peter:** Just need some blood of the enemy, and we can complete this.

 **Harry:** Well, I mean, Voldemort made a lot of enemies, so you could use anyo... *Peter stabs him in the arm, and collects the blood in a flask* FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

 **Peter:** *pours blood into the cauldron* There, perfect. Now, are you ready for a dip my lord?

 **?:** Wait, what? The book said I just had to drink some of it.

 **Peter:** *picking up the bundle* In you go.

 **?:** FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! *disfigured looking baby falls into cauldron*

 **Harry:** Come on, drown. Please let the baby drown...don't take this out of context *smoke erupts from the cauldron, with a figure standing within it* Oh, shit...

 **Voldemort:** I'M BACK, BITCHES!


	33. The Deceased Devourers

Chapter 33: The Deceased Devourers

 **Voldemort:** It is so good to be back.

 **Harry:** And you've learned your lesson from last time, right? So now you intend to turn over a new leaf and be...

 **Voldemort:** Oh Harry *gently brushing Harry's cheek* You know that's not going to happen.

 **Harry:** I need an adult.

 **Voldemort:** I am an adult.

 **Peter:** Don't mind me, just bleeding out over here.

 **Voldemort:** Oh, don't worry Wormtail, I have forgotten about you. Just hold out your hand...

 **Peter:** Oh, thank you master *holds out the bloodied stump where his hand was*

 **Voldemort:** YOU MORON! I said hold out your HAND, not your stump!

 **Peter:** But sir... *Voldemort yanks Peter up by the stump, rips the sleeve of his shirt up, and finds a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth tattooed on Peter's arm* AHHHHHH!

 **Harry:** Hey, isn't that that Dark Mark thing?

 **Voldemort:** Very observant, Harry.

 **Harry:** Maybe you can tell me why there's a spell to make tha... *Voldemort presses his finger into Peter's tattoo* Or you can just do that. That works too, I guess *nothing happens* Or maybe it doesn't work.

 **Voldemort:** Oh, it will.

 **Harry:** Dude, it's been thirteen years. Do you really think any of them are gonna come back to you after so long?

 **Peter:** I came back.

 **Harry and Voldemort:** You don't count, loser.

 **Peter:** Sorry.

 **Voldemort:** Now Harry, I suppose you're wondering why I brought you here.

 **Harry:** I presume it has something to do with the fact I practically killed you when I was a baby...

 **Voldemort:** It all started when my father left my mother when he found out she was a witch...

 **Harry:** Oh, God, you're not going to ramble on about your backstory, are you?

 **Voldemort:** ...then my mother died giving birth to me, so I got raised in a muggle orphanage...

 **Harry:** Can't you just be a generic "evil for the sake of evil" villain?

 **Voldemort:** ...so that's when I decided to kill him, and... *hears something* Ah, my followers are here. We'll continue this as soon as they're gathered.

 **Harry:** Can't you just kill me now?

 **Voldemort:** Hush child, my people need me *turns to face the mass of masked people who came to meet him* Ah, my loyal servants. Or at least that's what I'd call you if any of you had bothered to look for me in the last decade or so.

 **Peter:** I found you...

 **Voldemort:** After you fled the country in fear. Honestly, not a single one of you even tried to find me until there was literally no other option.

 **?:** To be fair, you didn't exactly advertise your presence to us, so we had no option but to assume you were...

 **Voldemort:** SILENCE LUCIUS! You should have at least looked.

 **Harry:** Wait, Lucius? As in Lucius Malfoy?

 **Lucius:** Oh, like you're really surprised by that.

 **Voldemort:** Yes, just like we have Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, and MacNair.

 **Crabbe Snr:** Bah?

 **Goyle Snr:** Glah.

 **Nott:** Wait, who the fuck am I?

 **MacNair:** Do we have any animals I can horribly torture and/or execute?

 **Voldemort:** You really take your job with the Ministry seriously, don't you?

 **MacNair:** It pays the bills. And I get to kill shit. It's the best thing ever, after serving you of course, milord.

 **Voldemort:** Very well, I forgive you, I'll be needing your murder boner to help fuck things up.

 **Harry:** Please call it something else.

 **Voldemort:** As for the six that aren't here, three of them are dead, one's a coward, one's left me forever, and one's already working for me at Hogwarts. THEY WILL ALL PAY!

 **Lucius:** Wait, even the one working for you at Hogwarts? And how exactly are you going to make the dead ones pay?

 **Voldemort:** SILENCE! They will all pay, especially the one at Hogwarts. I come back after over a decade, and he misses it? UNACCEPTABLE!

 **Peter:** Well, it was nice serving you master...

 **Voldemort:** Oh, quit your whining *casts spell on Pettigrew, giving him a silver hand*

 **Peter:** Oh, thank you master, I love it.

 **Voldemort:** I swear to God, if you EVER use that hand to jerk off, it will kill you.

 **Peter:** *gulps* Y...yes, master.

 **Voldemort:** Now, I suppose you're all wondering how I survived so long, and how I came back to life.

 **Harry:** Can't we skip that part? This feels like it's going to be needlessly pointless and stupid.

 **Voldemort:** Oh, what a tale it is. It all starts when I was hit with that power of love bullshit. I was left as basically a phantom...

 **Harry:** Did you know that nine out of ten villains who start monologuing are suddenly defeated by a deus ex machina?

 **Voldemort:** I know, I'm the tenth. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I began possessing the bodies of animals to survive, but none of them could contain my awesomeness...

 **MacNair:** You like torturing animals too? I knew I picked the right side.

 **Voldemort:** Thank you MacNair. Anyway, eventually I possessed the body of that Quirrell guy that everyone forgets existed, even though apparently everyone was told that I possessed him and I got within inches of securing immortality in what most people say is the most secure place on Earth.

 **Harry:** Who stopped you from getting that by the way?

 **Voldemort:** *glaring* CRUCIO! *Harry starts screaming in agony as Voldemort continues* So anyway, then this piece of shit came crawling back, which allowed me to kill Bertha Jorkins for no other reason than I felt like it, and now we're here. Any questions?

 **Nott:** That seems like an incredibly abridged version of what happened.

 **Voldemort:** Nobody asked you Nott. Now Harry, we're gonna fight *sees him still getting horribly tortured* Oh, right *undoes the spell* Come on Harry, wand out. We're duelling.

 **Harry:** You realise I'm still tied up, right?

 **Voldemort:** Oh, you're so picky *undoes Harry's ropes* There, happy now? We'll settle this here and now...NEXT CHAPTER!


	34. Reverse Spell

Chapter 34: Reverse Spell

 **Voldemort:** Well Harry, are you ready to settle this?

 **Harry:** If I say no, will you let me go?

 **Voldemort:** Oh Harry, I think we both know the answer to that. Now, duelling etiquette states that we bow before we start the fight.

 **Harry:** I'm not doing that.

 **Voldemort:** Harry, I'm being nice by allowing you to live...

 **Harry:** No you're not, you're going to fucking murder me in like three seconds from now.

 **Voldemort:** ...I said BOW! *blasts Harry with an Imperius curse* There we go, what a polite young man he is.

 **Harry:** You're...a...cunt.

 **Voldemort:** And now we begin. CRUCIO! *blasts Harry with the curse*

 **Harry:** Oh, come on. I wasn't even out of the Imperius curse yet.

 **Voldemort:** *holding the curse on Harry for a few more seconds* Okay, fine *cuts the curse, and waits a few seconds* You good?

 **Harry:** I guess...

 **Voldemort:** Good. CRUCIO! *blasts Harry with the curse again*

 **Harry:** GO FUCK YOURSELF!

 **Voldemort:** Oh, trust me, I am.

 **Harry:** What... *sees what Voldemort is doing while torturing him* OH GOD!

 **Voldemort:** Yes, that's right Harry. I want my first orgasm in my revived body to be to the sight of your dead body.

 **Harry:** Okay, enough of this absurdity. You do realise how fucked up it is that you're jerking off over a fourteen year old boy, and how much worse doing that to a corpse is, right?

 **Lucius:** I hate to admit it, but he has a point master.

 **Voldemort:** BITCH I KILL PEOPLE! Do you think I give a...where did he go?

 **Peter:** Don't worry master, the portkey's still here. He can't get back to Hogwarts without that.

 **Harry:** Thanks for the info, dumbass.

 **Voldemort:** Found him.

 **Harry:** FUCK!

 **Lucius:** Quick question: why did we make the portkey two-way? Surely one-way would have been just as easy to make, and if somehow Harry managed to get back to it, he wouldn't be able to easily escape.

 **Voldemort:** SHUT UP LUCIUS! This is MY plan, and we do it my way.

 **Harry:** Does your genius plan involve killing me at some point? Because that would be preferable to you blabbing on and on about nothing.

 **Voldemort:** How dare you?! I've got this all planned out...

 **Harry:** Yeah, talk me to death before any curse can do so.

 **Voldemort:** You're making me mad, Potter.

 **Harry:** Good. Get mad. Bring it on, Tom.

 **Voldemort:** THAT'S IT! AVADA KEDAVRA!

 **Harry:** EXPELLIARMUS! *spells meet in the middle, and start throwing out gold sparks in the middle* Well, that looks kinda cool.

 **Voldemort:** You idiot, haven't you ever seen a Priori Incantatem before?

 **Harry:** A what?

 **Peter:** It's what happens when two wands with cores taken from the same animal meet in battle, and the loser's wand produces echoes of the last spell it casted.

 **Voldemort:** Shut up dumbass, nobody cares.

 **Harry:** Yeah, that sounds suspiciously like a deus ex machina that I'm about to take full advantage of *gold sparks get extremely close to Voldemort* Like so *dark shadows start crawling out of Voldemort's wand* I'm starting to think this is a bad idea *dark shadows take the form of Cedric* ...huh.

 **Cedric:** Hi Harry. How are you?

 **Harry:** Well, you know, not bad, all things considered. Being dead must suck.

 **Cedric:** Yeah, but I've made some friends who are interested in helping you.

 **Harry:** Friends? *another form crawls out of the wand, turning into Frank Bryce*

 **Frank:** You're tryin'a fight him, boy? Feel free to head on up to the house and use ol' Betsy on him *another dark shape appears, this one Bertha jorkins*

 **Bertha:** Oh, wow, I actually get to be in this thing?

 **Harry:** Who the fuck are you? *another dark form crawls out of Voldemort's wand, this time Lily Potter* ...mum?

 **Lily:** That's right Harry. Your father's on the way too.

 **James:** *suddenly appearing* Heeeere's Jimmy.

 **Lily:** James, for the last time, nobody's going to call you that.

 **James:** ...sorry.

 **Harry:** So, what's the deal here? Are you guys ghosts, or...

 **Lily:** Nope, we're purely here for a distraction.

 **James:** Unless you think you can win.

 **Harry:** I don't think...

 **Voldemort:** You know I'm still here, and can hear and see you, right?

 **Harry:** Shut the fuck up Tom, I'm talking to my dead parents.

 **Voldemort:** Oh, sorry...wait, what the fuck am I apologising for? I'm trying to kill you.

 **Frank:** Get ready kid, we'll create a smokescreen, you run to the house and get ol' Betsy.

 **Bertha:** Actually, the portkey's closer. It'd be a better idea to get to that.

 **Frank:** Fine, whatever. But you better get him eventually.

 **Harry:** I will.

 **Cedric:** Hey, can you take my body back for my father?

 **Harry:** Yeah, sure. Who knows what these weirdos are gonna do with it.

 **Voldemort:** What are you implying?

 **Harry:** YOU WERE GOING TO JERK OFF OVER MY CORPSE! Get him, shadowy otherworldly figures!

 **James:** I'm gonna aim for his dick.

 **Lily:** We're trying to blind him to protect our son!

 **James:** Shh, watch this *flies straight at Voldemort with the others*

 **Voldemort:** AHH! My dick!

 **James:** *turning into a thick smoke* Got him!

 **Lily:** *turning into a thick smoke* God damn it James.

 **Harry:** Accio Corpse *Cedric's body lands on top of him* Should have done this the other way around. Accio Portkey *portkey flies into Harry's hand, allowing him to escape*

 **Voldemort:** GOD DAMN IT!

 **Lucius:** Remember what I said about the...

 **Voldemort:** CRUCIO! *Lucius collapses to the ground in pain* Well, I feel slightly better. Time to see if my guy at Hogwarts can get him.


	35. Truth Serum

Chapter 35: Truth Serum

 **Harry:** *landing back at the school after his adventure* Oof, that was a rough landing.

 **Ron:** HARRY! How could you?

 **Harry:** Hey, I didn't kill him.

 **Ron:** He's dead?

 **Harry:** What did you... *sees the position which he landed on Cedric* Oh, come on Ron. After all I just went through, THIS is what you're concerned about?

 **Hermione:** After what you went through?

 **Harry:** Oh, right, you haven't been here the last couple of chapters. You see...

 **Dean:** Hey guys, Harry's got the Cup. And he killed Cedric to get it.

 **Harry:** I did not.

 **Cho:** Cedric's...dead?

 **Harry:** *sees the audience start murmuring about Cedric's death at Harry's hands* Oh, COME ON!

 **Dumbledore:** Make way, make way, I need to be sure he's dead *stares down at the corpse* Okay Cedric, I'm going to count to three, and if you don't stop being dead, you're expelled. One...two...three...that's it young man, you're expelled.

 **Pale, blond haired man:** Give him here, I can make him walk again.

 **Amos:** You can bring my boy back to life?

 **Pale, blond haired man:** I never said that *runs off before anyway could stop him*

 **Harry:** Huh, I wonder what that was about. Eh, probably won't find out for a year or so.

 **Moody:** Boy, you should come with me.

 **Harry:** I don't know, I think I should stay here. I mean, I'm the only witness to a tragic murder, I think I should...

 **Moody:** *grabbing the back of Harry's collar* I insist.

 **Harry:** I mean, I guess. You're a former Auror that Dumbledore trusts...err, I mean McGonagall. Nothing bad could possibly come of...

 **Moody:** Shut up and tell me everything.

 **Harry:** Okay, I...wait...

*in Moody's office*

 **Harry:** ...then I grabbed the corpse and the portkey and got the hell out of there.

 **Moody:** Uh huh, and his followers? Did he punish them for ditching him?

 **Harry:** Well, no, he forgave them. I'm guessing because they make up a large part of his supporter base. Speaking of which, he's apparently got someone here at Hogwarts, probably the person who put my name in the Goblet. We should be...

 **Moody:** I know who did it.

 **Harry:** Oh, that's convenient. Now all you have to do is arrest them, and... *sees a piece of writing on his desk* Hey, did you write this?

 **Moody:** Yeah, why?

 **Harry:** You have some lovely cursive...wait a minute...OH CRAP!

" **Moody":** That's right Harry. I've been making sure you got as far through the Tournament as you did. And now, I'm going to put you through the thing you hate most in the world.

 **Harry:** You wouldn't...

" **Moody":** That's right, I'm going to make you hear my entire plan from the moment I got here.

 **Harry:** NO! NOT MONOLOGUING! YOU MONSTER! Can't you just kill me?

" **Moody":** Oh, I'm sure you'd like to hear my evil plan, that started with me stealing your wand at the Quidditch World Cup...

 **Harry:** Wait, how the fuck did you get there? I'm sure I'd have recognised someone like you there.

" **Moody":** Well, you see...

 **Dumbledore:** *blasting the door down* Knock knock *sees the door hit "Moody" and threw him to the ground* Oops...

 **McGonagall:** Actually, this is perfect.

 **Dumbledore:** Minerva, he could sue us for this.

 **Snape:** Sir, he's clearly not Moody. Moody would know better than to take a witness away from a crime scene before the authorities have a chance to interview them.

 **Dumbledore:** He can still sue u...

 **Harry:** He put my name in the Goblet...wait, what do you mean he's not Moody?

 **Snape:** *picks up Moody's flask and sniffs it* Polyjuice Potion. I guess I owe you an apology Potter, you weren't the one stealing supplies from my storage.

 **Harry:** Oh...well, apology accep...

 **Snape:** I didn't say I was apologising, just that I should.

 **Harry:** Eh, close enough.

 **McGonagall:** Can we get back on topic here? We need to know who this guy is.

 **Dumbledore:** And to wipe his memory before he calls his lawyer.

 **McGonagall:** Sure. But first, Severus, would you go get your strongest truth serum? And if this is who I think it is, could you get the house elf Winky?

 **Snape:** With pleasure, Minerva *leaves*

 **Harry:** So, I should get going, since this looks like it's adult business, and I probably need to get to the Hospital Wing...

 **McGonagall:** Don't you want to find out who tried to kill you?

 **Harry:** Wait, you're going to allow that?

 **McGonagall:** Potter, you've gone through four school years of taking matters into your own hands to save the school. It's time you see a competent teacher do the same.

 **Dumbledore:** Like what we're doing.

 **Harry:** She said competent.

 **Dumbledore:** *narrows eyes* What are you implying?

 **Harry:** Err... *Snape returns, with Winky* Professor Snape is back. Let's see what not-Moody has to say.

 **Snape:** Speaking of not-Moody *points out not-Moody changing back into his original form, Barty Crouch Jr.*

 **Winky:** Master!

 **Dumbledore:** Doctor Who is...

 **Harry:** I already did the joke.

 **Dumbledore:** DAMN IT HARRY, I've had that joke saved up for NINE MONTHS!

 **Harry:** You snooze, you lose.

 **Dumbledore:** *sigh* Severus, could you just...

 **Snape:** Force-feed Crouch a potion to make him tell us everything? Gladly *shoves a vial into Crouch's mouth until it's empty*

 **McGonagall:** Do you really need that much?

 **Snape:** No, this is just more fun.

 **McGonagall:** Jesus Christ... *turns to Barty Crouch Jr.* Are you going to answer all our questions?

 **Crouch Jr.:** *in a monotonous voice* I shall, though it will take up seven pages of the book.

 **Harry:** Fuck that, abridge it to the important details.

 **Crouch Jr.:** Or else what?

 **Harry:** Professor Snape, what's the most horrible potion you have that doesn't kill people?

 **Snape:** I have one that makes you shit out your mouth.

 **Harry:** Are you willing to force-feed him that one as well?

 **Snape:** I don't take orders from you. It just so happens that our intentions overlap on this occasion.

 **Harry:** Good. Now, tell us what we want to know.

 **Crouch Jr.:** I will, when you actually specify what you want to know.

 **Harry:** I thought we did.

 **Crouch Jr.:** No, you asked if I'd answer your questions. You never specified what those questions were.

 **Harry:** Is he allowed to be this snarky under the effects of truth serum?

 **Snape:** There's no rule against it.

 **Harry:** *sigh* Fuck it, how'd you get out of Azkaban? In ten words or less.

 **Crouch Jr.:** Daddy dearest used Polyjuice Potion to switch me with mother.

 **Harry:** *counting his words* Okay, and how'd you not escape before now? Again, ten words or less.

 **Crouch Jr.:** Father kept control of me with the bloody Imperius curse.

 **Harry:** *counts words again* Wait, are you...

 **McGonagall:** What happened to Bertha Jorkins?

 **Crouch Jr.:** *smirking* Well...

 **Harry:** TEN WORDS OR LESS!

 **Crouch Jr.:** Damn it... *realises he's already used three of his words* She found me, father charmed her senseless.

 **McGonagall:** And then?

 **Crouch Jr.:** Voldemort *very loud thundercrack* found her, tortured the absolute shit out of her.

 **Harry:** And your father? Ten words or less.

 **Crouch Jr.:** Found him, killed him, transfigured him into a bone, buried.

 **Dumbledore:** Why a bone?

 **Crouch Jr.:** Because I wanted to make a statement about him being boned, and by turning him into a bone, I made my point very clear. Because you see...

 **Winky:** *crying* But master, your father...

 **McGonagall:** You do know that since he's dead, he's not going to realise you made that incredibly lame joke?

 **Crouch Jr.:** ...fuck.

 **Snape:** Did you also know that, while under the effects of any truth serum, no matter how strong, you can say the words 'I don't wish to say', and since that's true, you can avoid telling anyone anything?

 **Crouch Jr.:** Fuck.

 **Snape:** And that what I fed you wasn't truth serum at all, but actually just regular water?

 **Crouch Jr.:** FUCK!

 **Harry:** As much as I hate to admit it, that was pretty clever.

 **Snape:** Quiet Potter.


	36. The Breakup of Courses

Chapter 36: The Breakup of Courses

 **Harry:** So, I guess it's off to the Hospital Wing then?

 **Dumbledore:** Well, yes, but actually no. My pen pal Sirus decided he wanted to meet me in person, and he's currently waiting for me in my office. Since he knows you too, he might be interested in meeting you in person for the first time too.

 **Harry:** Err...yeah, first time.

 **Dumbledore:** Of course, since sneaking a stranger into the school might be viewed by some as creepy, he insisted on coming in as a dog. Though I don't remember seeing his name on the Animagus Registry...

 **Harry:** Yeah, funny that.

 **Dumbledore:** Oh well, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for that *leads Harry into his office* Harry, I'd like you to meet Sirus.

 **Harry:** Hey Snuffles.

 **Sirius:** God fucking damn it.

 **Dumbledore:** Good, you already have a nickname for each other. Now Harry, I need you to tell us everything that happened tonight. And I mean EVERYTHING! Every, excruciating detail that's left you physically and emotionally drained, and should probably be in the Hospital Wing recovering from.

 **Harry:** Well, the Cup was a portkey, Voldemort *loud thundercrack* killed Cedric, Pettigrew brought Voldemort *loud thundercrack* back from the dead, he summoned his followers to the graveyard, he tried to duel me, I made something plot convenient happen, then I grabbed the Cup and Cedric's body and escaped.

 **Dumbledore:** You were gone for three chapters.

 **Harry:** And that's what happened. If you want more detail, just go reread those chapters. Oh, and also Moody was Crouch Jr.

 **Dumbledore:** I know.

 **Sirius:** Wait, what?

 **Dumbledore:** It's okay, Snape's getting Fudge to go arrest him. Yep, that's what Fudge will do. Arrest that man for his crimes. He won't do anything stupid that will allow Voldemort *loud thundercrack* to return more powerful than ever.

 **Harry:** Stop. Talking. Now.

 **Sirius:** Too late Harry, he's fucked it up for everyone.

 **Harry:** MOTHERFUCKER!

 **Dumbledore:** Now, would you like me to shed light on why you and Voldemort's wands reacted that way to each other?

 **Harry:** No, I want to go to the Hospital Wing and sleep.

 **Dumbledore:** Don't you want to hear about how Fawkes gave two of his feathers to make you and Voldemort's *loud thunderclap* wands?

 **Harry:** Is it important to the plot?

 **Dumbledore:** Not really.

 **Harry:** Then why bother mentioning it? *leaves with Sirius in dog form*

*in the Hospital Wing*

 **Pomfrey:** Okay, let me drug you.

 **Harry:** Shouldn't I be in bed first?

 **Pomfrey:** I mean, if you want to be comfortable, I suppose you could...

 **Hermione:** Harry, are you okay?

 **Harry:** Yeah, I'm fine. You know, other than the physical, mental, and emotional abuse I suffered over the last three hours or so.

 **Molly:** Give me their names. I will blast them into next week.

 **Harry:** I don't think...

 **Pomfrey:** Go to sleep *forces potion down Harry's throat*

 **Harry:** This seems like the opposite of medical care.

 **Pomfrey:** I'm sorry, who's the doctor here?

 **Harry:** Well, you, but...

 **Pomfrey:** Exactly. I didn't have my medical license revoked for nothing.

 **Harry:** Wait, what *passes out*

*later*

 **Harry:** Ugh, how long was I out?

 **Ron:** About twenty minutes. The plot demanded you be awake for what's about to happen.

 **McGonagall:** *entering with Fudge and Dumbledore* Fudge, you fucking moron.

 **Fudge:** Minerva, you shouldn't speak to your fearless leader in such a tone.

 **McGonagall:** Oh? You're going to stop me? Of course not, you fucking suck at your job. Asshole.

 **Ron:** Wow, you've never gone off at anyone like that before. Not even Fred and George have invoked this kind of wrath.

 **McGonagall:** That's because your brothers have never INTENTIONALLY screwed up the whole justice system.

 **Harry:** I do not like where this is going.

 **McGonagall:** This MORON...

 **Crouch:** You mispronounced fearless leader.

 **McGonagall:** Like I said, this MORON took a dementor with him to confront Crouch, and, well, I think we all know what happened next.

 **Harry:** Are you FUCKING kidding me?

 **Dumbledore:** So, what happened next?

 **Harry:** My main problem is the fact that you somehow got a dementor here so fast. Like, how close is Azkaban to here that you got one here in, like, an hour?

 **McGonagall:** You don't seem overly concerned about us losing a key piece of testimony in regards to Voldemort returning.

 **Harry:** Oh, I'm thoroughly pissed about that. It's just that we have another source of testimony in this very room...

 **Fudge:** What, you? After everything Rita Skeeter wrote about you?

 **Harry:** And now you shred any lingering doubt that McGonagall was wrong by telling us you not only READ tabloid trash, but you believe it too.

 **Fudge:** I don't understand. She's a published journalist, and everyone knows how fair and unbiased they are. Why would someone in the media lie about something? Clearly you're just trying to scare me so you can get the Minister of Magic job.

 **Dumbledore:** I'll answer this one.

 **Harry:** Professor McGonagall, stop him.

 **Dumbledore:** So what if I'm trying to get your job?

 **Harry:** God damn it.

 **Fudge:** There, that proves it. Well, I'll be leaving now to completely ignore the dementors and giants, as well as whoever decides to talk to them. But first *hands Harry a large bag of galleons* Your reward for winning.

 **Harry:** Really? You're still giving me this even though Rita Skeeter told everyone I'm a dangerous sociopath?

 **Fudge:** Probably poor judgement on my part, but I'm not paid enough to think about these sorts of things *leaves*

 **Molly:** He could have ended that sentence five words early and still been correct.

 **Harry:** He also didn't let me mention that we have Moody that could have testified to the fact that Voldemort's *loud thundercrack* back. Damn it, why is saying his name suddenly so much more ominous?

 **Ron:** Saying whose name?

 **Harry:** Voldemort *loud thundercrack* Jesus Christ, this is going to be terrifying for the next three books, isn't it?

 **McGonagall:** We have bigger problems Potter. Namely, how to deal with the situation at hand.

 **Bill:** Should I go tell my dad?

 **McGonagall:** Can he get people within the Ministry to believe us?

 **Bill:** ...maybe?

 **McGonagall:** Well, that better than nothing.

 **Harry:** That's very debateable.

 **McGonagall:** I'm going to have a word with Hagrid and Maxime, see if they can talk to the giants on our behalf. Then we just need someone to get the rest of the crew back together *Snape enters*

 **Snape:** So, I just saw the Minister leaving and talking about how you guys were full of shit for saying Voldemort *loud thundercrack* is back.

 **McGonagall:** And what did you say to him?

 **Snape:** I told him that he is back and showed him this *pulls up sleeve to reveal his Dark Mark*

 **Harry:** You let him teach at this fucking school with that?

 **Dumbledore:** Don't worry, he signed a contract that said he wouldn't harm any of the students.

 **Harry:** What about Professor McFondles?

 **Dumbledore:** Nah, he seems trustworthy enough.

 **Harry:** Sounds about right for you.

 **McGonagall:** Well, me and Mr. Weasley have to start recruiting for the Order. Could you round up some of the others? *leaves*

 **Bill:** Suppose I should see if Fleur's up for a farewell slam before I go *leaves too*

 **Dumbledore:** Well Sirus, I guess it's down to you and Severus to get the gang back together.

 **Snape:** Sirus?

 **Sirius:** *turning back into a human* He means me.

 **Molly:** Albus? Why is there a serial killer within three feet of my son, my adopted son, and my future daughter-in-law? And why aren't they horrified by this?

 **Hermione:** Wait, what did you...

 **Sirius:** Oh please, what I was arrested for was blowing up a street. That's not serial killing, that's terrorism. And I didn't even do that, since the guy I was supposedly trying to kill is still fucking alive. Also, why do I have to work with him?

 **Dumbledore:** And why does she think you're a serial killer? Just because you look a little like Sirius Black, and your name is just one letter away from being his, doesn't mean you're the same person. Now, you two kiss and make up *Snape and Sirius open their mouths to protest* I said KISS *forces their faces together* There, now get to work.

 **Snape:** Fuck everything about this *leaves with Sirius*

 **Harry:** Well, I'm going to go dwell on my guilt for making Cedric grab the Cup with me in my dreams. Peace out y'all *goes back to sleep*


	37. The Start

Chapter 37: The Start

 **Harry:** *sigh* Okay, it's been a few days, I suppose now's as good a time as any to talk to Cedric's parents *walks up to them* Uh...hey.

 **Amos:** Oh, Harry. Here to gloat about murdering my son?

 **Mrs. Diggory:** AMOS! You know that's not true. He's not that good of a wizard.

 **Amos:** Yeah, I know, I just wanted to try and make myself feel better.

 **Harry:** Kind of a twisted way of doing it, but okay.

 **Mrs. Diggory:** Harry, don't blame yourself for what happened...

 **Harry:** Kind of hard to when I forced him to grab the Cup and to stand up to people more.

 **Mrs. Diggory:** I'm sure you did everything you could.

 **Amos:** Except save our boy.

 **Harry:** Anyway, I was thinking, since I don't really need it, and you're currently suffering, and Cedric tied with me anyway, you should probably have this *holds out bag of Triwizard winnings*

 **Amos:** What? Do you think we're so hard up for cash that we need to take money from a child?

 **Harry:** ...I mean, you don't have to, but...

 **Mrs. Diggory:** It's okay dear, we'll just wait for that kind, shockingly white and somewhat sparkly man to bring us our boy back.

 **Harry:** Do you even know where he went with the body?

 **Amos:** No idea, why?

 **Harry:** Yeah, I expected as much.

*later*

 **Ron:** Harry, are you feeling better yet?

 **Harry:** Oh, sure. Just witnessed the most traumatic thing I can possibly witness less than a week ago...

 **Ron:** But Harry, your parents died when you were only a year old.

 **Harry:** *heavy sigh* Fine, second most traumatic thing, so I'm just fucking peachy.

 **Hermione:** Don't worry Harry, we'll be right here if you need us.

 **Harry:** Sorry, but I don't think either of you is a licenced psychiatrist. By the way, is it just me, or are lots of people avoiding me?

 **Hermione:** Oh yeah, Dumbledore asked everyone to leave you alone...

 **Harry:** Oh, that was nice of him. I wonder what's his reason for that...

 **Hermione:** Because he's the only one allowed to continue to traumatise you.

 **Harry:** There it is.

 **Ron:** There are also people who think what Rita Skeeter wrote about you is true.

 **Harry:** Are people at this school really that stupid?

 **Hermione:** Harry, you've been here four years. Surely you know the answer to that at this point.

 **Harry:** Yeah, I know. So, how do we want to spend our last day here?

 **Ron:** Go to Hagrid's?

 **Harry:** Since the plot demands it, yes.

*at Hagrid's*

 **Hagrid:** 'ello kids. What can aye do for yeh?

 **Harry:** *sees several suitcases packed and ready to go* Going somewhere?

 **Hagrid:** Aye *ten seconds of silence*

 **Hermione:** Are you going to tell us where you're going?

 **Hagrid:** Nay.

 **Ron:** Is it anything to do with giants?

 **Hagrid:** Maybeh. Or maybeh I'm jus' gettin' hitched tah Madame Maxime.

 **Harry:** Nah, Rowling wasn't that nice to you.

 **Hagrid:** Aye kno'. Well, have fun dealing with whatever bullshit comes out of this trainwreck.

*at the end of term feast*

 **Harry:** Wow, the halls aren't covered in the winning house's colours. Are we actually going to take Cedric's death seriously?

 **Dumbledore:** Your attention please *a hush falls over the Hall* Voldemort *loud thundercrack* killed Cedric, now we're all fucked.

 **Harry:** I shouldn't be surprised at this. Why am I surprised?

 **McGonagall:** What I think Professor Dumbledore was trying to say...

 **Dumbledore:** Is that we're fucked.

 **McGonagall:** ...is that we shouldn't panic, and try to remember that Cedric wouldn't want us to turn on each other in such hard times. That we should help each other, and...

 **Dumbledore:** Nope, I definitely just meant that we're all gonna fucking die. Let's eat.

 **McGonagall:** *sighs, then mutters to herself* Just a few more years Minerva and you can retire.

 **Snape:** I can take him out before then if you want.

 **McGonagall:** Can you make it look like an accident?

 **Snape:** Even better, I can make it look like a suicide.

 **McGonagall:** Hmm...I'll consider this.

*the next day, while waiting to leave*

 **Harry:** Well, this is it, another school year finished. I wonder how long it'll be before we start next year's adventure.

 **Hermione:** If the release dates of the real books are anything to go by, nearly three years.

 **Harry:** Wait, what?

 **Fleur:** Harry, may I have a word?

 **Harry:** *covering the front of his pants as she got closer* Uh, sure.

 **Fleur:** *hands him a piece of paper* Here'z my number.

 **Harry:** Oh, thanks.

 **Fleur:** Pazz it on to Bill for me. Okay, thankz, bye *leaves*

 **Harry:** Well, that happened *hands the paper to Ron* Here, you'll see Bill before the rest of us probably.

 **Krum:** Harry, may I have a vord?

 **Harry:** Are you going to give me your number to give to Hermione? Because she's right here, so...

 **Hermione:** HARRY! Do you know how expensive international calls are?

 **Krum:** I just vanted to say that I am saddened by Cedric's passing. He vas good, even if he vas a bit naïve, and I am sorry you had to vitness his death.

 **Harry:** Oh, uh, thanks. I wasn't expecting...

 **Ron:** CAN I HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH?!

 **Harry:** *as Krum starts signing a piece of paper* Of course Ron had to ruin it.

 **Hermione:** Isn't that the piece of paper with Fleur's number?

 **Ron:** ...oops.

 **Krum:** Vell, I vill be seeing you. Some of you hopefully sooner than ovvers *winks at Hermione before leaving*

 **Hermione:** And then we hardly talk again. On to the train.

*on the train*

 **Harry:** *looking through the Daily Prophet* Huh, there's only a very brief mention of me winning the Triwzard Tournament, and nothing at all about Cedric's death. And no articles from Rita Skeeter whatsoever. I don't know what you did to that bitch, but it worked.

 **Hermione:** Oh Harry, all I did was this *pulls a jar out of her bag that has a beetle in it*

 **Ron:** Is that...

 **Hermione:** That's right, one of Rita Skeeter's specially trained beetles that she attached a mini microphone to so she could spy on everything at Hogwarts.

 **Ron:** Oh, I thought you were going to say she was an unregistered animagus and that was her in the jar.

 **Hermione:** Silly Ron, you still believe in magic, don't you?

 **Harry:** Don't worry, the audience knows what's up. So, I'm guessing she's been given the ultimatum of shutting the fuck up or you go to the Ministry?

 **Hermione:** Yep. And just to be safe, I'm keeping this for the next year in an unbreakable jar.

 **Draco:** *entering the compartment* Oh, is that so? Well, we can't have that for our reporter friend that's been screwing with the lot of you all year, can we?

 **Ron:** Actually, she hasn't done anything to me.

 **Draco:** Enough talk, let's get them *drawing his wand*

 **Crabbe:** Gah *drawing his wand*

 **Goyle:** Duh *drawing his wand, but from the wrong end*

 **Harry:** Furnunculus!

 **Ron:** Puris Malusque!

 **Hermione:** Confringo!

 **? 1:** Locomotor Wibbly!

 **? 2:** Mucus ad Nauseam!

 **Draco:** What the... *five spells hit him, Crabbe and Goyle*

 **Fred:** *arriving with George* What's up? Having fun cursing Malfoy?

 **Harry:** Well, technically I jinxed them, but yes.

 **George:** Cool, cool, who wants us to wrap up our blackmail storyline?

 **Harry:** Oh yeah, there's that thing we haven't mentioned in twenty three chapters.

 **Fred:** Yeah, well, Bagman paid us in leprechaun gold at the World Cup when we won that bet, so we sent the goblin mafia after him. Turns out he owes them a lot.

 **Hermione:** How much does he owe them?

 **George:** However much you're thinking, it's more than that.

 **Harry:** You know what? That's pretty awesome. Have some money *hands them his Triwizard winnings* And before you try to refuse...

 **Fred:** Why would we refuse?

 **George:** This is more money than any one person could reasonably spend in a single lifetime.

 **Harry:** Excellent. Well, does anyone have anything else to say/do before we close this book out? *no-one says anything* Okay, well, seeya.

 **Author's note: And...done. Four down, three (four?) to go. Thank you all so much for reading, and I can't wait to get started on Order of the Phoenix. Unfortunately, that's not looking like happening until early next year due to my other fics taking priority (though with the current world situation, I have a shitload more free time, so maybe I can speed things up? We'll see). In the meantime, feel free to enjoy my other fics, like my current one The Marauders, or the fic that will be replacing this one, Death Battle Season 2. And keep voting on my poll to decide what my next fic will be. Until next time guys...**


End file.
